You want to know the best part about childhood? At some point, it stops.
S1 E1Pilot
Hey, Francis, how's school?
Oh, couldn't be better, Mom. My new roommate showed me how to kill mice with a hammer yesterday. So, you know, between that and the general atmosphere of simmering homo-eroticism, I think I'm really starting to turn around.
Malcolm, Every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands
And its totally unfair. Everyone acts like Francis is this big troublemaker and he's not!
[Flashbacks with Francis being brought home in handcuffs by the police.]
Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I've done. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really, really sorry.
[Scene switches to Francis having sex with his girlfriend, BeeBee.]
I'm hoping against hope you would give me another chance.
[Scene switches to Francis destroying a neighbor's car by setting it on fire, which explained his eventual arrest.]
Which I admit I don't deserve, but if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know I can earn your trust back.
[Flashback ends as Malcolm faces the audience]
It's not like it was even "our" car.
[At Malcolm's school, Kitty Kenarban, is his teacher in his class. Her personality is more cynical and stern]
Those of you who are finished with your temper painting can bring it up here and start on your charcoal still life. You may take two pieces of fruit with you, but please be care with them, I bought them with my own money. My own money.
S1 E2Red Dress
[Lois appears holding a charred red dress.]
Fire? Fire? Fire?
Mom, what?
This is the most stupid, irresponsible, dangerous thing you have ever done! Is this what you want? Will we have to identify your charred little bodies through their dental records? I want a straight answer! Who did this?
Malcolm did it!
Reese did it!
I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!
We're going to the dentist?
[sits with Malcolm on the dinner table while she hands him a can] Go ahead. It's a name brand. [opens the can, then Malcolm drinks it] I know you didn't do this. You're a good boy. But I want you to help me with this. This is serious. One of your brothers could've burned the house down. [shows Reese, but at a different time] And for that he will be severely punished. But the one who helps me will be a happy, little boy. [shows Dewey, also at a different time] And I want that to be you. [back to Malcolm] Because you always been the best one. [back to Reese] You've always been the best one. [back to Dewey] You have always been the best one.
Mom, honestly, I don't know.
[different time] I don't know.
[different time] Don't know.
[calling] Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present? I have to meet your father at the restaurant in ten minutes!
S1 E3Home Alone 4
Hi! We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
He's...in the bathroom.
Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
He's...in the bathroom.
They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]
[After cleaning up the house]
It's never been this clean before.
Uh-oh. It's too clean.
You're right. She'll never buy it.
[The boys start messing up the house]
Dear... penthouse...
Yesterday, I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs.
Point... taken.
S1 E4Shame
What do you mean he's only seven?!
NNurse
What's not to understand? He just turned seven. I guess you were too busy beating people to notice!
He CAN'T be seven. He's bigger than I am!
NNurse
He's in second grade! [cleaning up Kevin] Look at all this blood...
That's not blood, it's pizza sauce! Well that's blood, but...
[Caroline Miller enters the nurse's office]
Oh my God... OH MY GOD! What happened?
KKevin
[bawling] I want my Teletubby!
A doll?! You can't play with dolls if you're seven... WHY ARE YOU SEVEN?!
You beat up a seven-year-old?
I didn't know!
Malcolm, I don't blame you. I put this squarely where it belongs... [close to tears] On me!
[to camera] Oh, man. This is the most horrible thing I've ever done! [to Kevin] Kevin, I'm sorry!
NNurse
I think you've done quite enough.
KKevin
This is the worst birthday ever!
I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin. I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you--you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
And yet...you keep...talking.
S1 E5Malcolm Babysits
Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think. Somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways?
Trust me, Dad, they're all looking down on us.
Mom, can I have a story?
Once upon a time, there was a little boy that made his mom so crazy she decided to sell him to a circus.
An evil circus?
No, a nice one with monkeys.
Thank you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.