Malcolm in the Middle quotes

"...to break free of the atmosphere, a rocket must attain speeds of 25,000 miles per hour."

Reese

Bull! If they went that fast they'd be squashed in the back of their seats! They wouldn't float around!

Malcolm

You're confusing acceleration with velocity. You feel it at first, but once you're up to speed, you don't notice. Right now we're on a planet spinning at 1,000 miles per hour. We're also travelling around the sun at almost 67,000 miles per hour. The solar system is hurtling through the galaxy which is hurtling away from other galaxies cos the universe is expanding.

Dewey

Wheeeeee!

Okay, everyone clear out, you're all fired!

Francis

What?!

Camp's closing; they cut down the last tree today. The mining company bought the land; you've gotta be out of here by the end of today.

Francis

We're just out like that without notice?!

This is the circle of life up here! First, they cut down the trees. Then the mining company strips the land. Then with any luck at all, they turn whatever's left into a nuclear waste dump. It's the only way we're gonna wean ourselves off our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil!

What the hell are you doing?! I was waiting for that spot!

Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?

Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission from the zoo down the street!

Hal

Malcolm and Reese?

Lois

Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.

Malcolm

If nothing I ever do has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse! How am I supposed to be happy?

Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe, or go to hell.

Malcolm

See Dewey, there's a guy who understands.

Dewey

Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How could you be unhappy?

Malcolm

I wanted grape.

Reese

STOP! I won't let you do this! I would rather die than be left alone with Mom!

Malcolm

Get out of the way!

Reese

NO! You can run me over, I don't care!

Cynthia

Malcolm, if you do this, I will never have sex with you again.

Hey, Stainilator.

Bruce Spring-stain.

Francis

All right, everybody ready?

Dewey

I was born ready.

Malcolm

[to the camera] We had to get out of there pretty fast; for our own safety. It was unbelievable. We drove three blocks before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle!

Lois

I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?

Hal

Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences–Dire consequences.

Reese

Want some punch?

If I say 'yes', you're just gonna hit me.

Reese

I'm gonna hit you anyway, but it's funnier when you say 'yes'.

Stevie

What'd you get... for problem... 17?

Malcolm

I drew a tank.

Stevie

What's wrong... with you? For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.

Malcolm

No for two days, I've been like someone who's happy and relaxed.

Stevie

You're turning... into Reese.

Malcolm

I think it'd be cool if they took the $1 bill and changed it to the $1,000,000 bill. That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.

Yeah, that's such a cool idea; I want to help poor people too!

Malcolm

Wake up.

Reese

What do you want?

Malcolm

I just want you to know you're not getting last licks.

Reese

Huh?

Malcolm

I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.

Reese

Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just... [registers that his arm is glued to his forehead] Gaa! What'd you do?

Malcolm

I sunk to your level. And I have to say, it feels good.

Craig

Not so fast.

This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.

That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.

Craig

(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book) What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?

It's the first print, totally collectible.

Craig

Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!

What are you doing?

Craig

Fear not, it was only a 1993 reprint. If that had been an original, he would've thrown himself at it.

[He and Bob are now betrayed by Dean after hearing Craig out] Dude, you told me that was real.

Craig

Now, lets talk business!