Malcolm in the Middle · Season 4
Hey, are the two boys still stuck in the tiger pit?
[Panic washes over the crowd]
Uh, no, I must be picking up a transmission from the zoo down the street!
Malcolm and Reese?
Malcolm and Dewey. Reese wouldn't last thirty seconds.
If nothing I ever do has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse! How am I supposed to be happy?
Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe, or go to hell.
See Dewey, there's a guy who understands.
Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How could you be unhappy?
I wanted grape.
STOP! I won't let you do this! I would rather die than be left alone with Mom!
Get out of the way!
NO! You can run me over, I don't care!
[Malcolm revs the car's engine, Reese screams and jumps aside.]
Malcolm, if you do this, I will never have sex with you again.
[to Malcolm]
Hey, Stainilator.
Bruce Spring-stain.
All right, everybody ready?
I was born ready.
[to the camera] We had to get out of there pretty fast; for our own safety. It was unbelievable. We drove three blocks before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle!
I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?
Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences–Dire consequences.
Want some punch?
If I say 'yes', you're just gonna hit me.
I'm gonna hit you anyway, but it's funnier when you say 'yes'.
What'd you get... for problem... 17?
I drew a tank.
What's wrong... with you? For two days... you've been acting... like an idiot.
No for two days, I've been like someone who's happy and relaxed.
You're turning... into Reese.
[Reese whispers behind Malcolm's locker, Malcolm listens.]
I think it'd be cool if they took the $1 bill and changed it to the $1,000,000 bill. That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.
Yeah, that's such a cool idea; I want to help poor people too!
Wake up.
What do you want?
I just want you to know you're not getting last licks.
Huh?
I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.
Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just... [registers that his arm is glued to his forehead] Gaa! What'd you do?
I sunk to your level. And I have to say, it feels good.
Not so fast.
[Craig shows up to the comic book store in a heroic fashion. Hal is shocked and Dean is upset by his appearance.]
This transaction does not concern you, Feldspar.
That's Craig Feldspar, he's a level 45 Dungeon Master.
(confronting Dean for attempting to sell Hal a $50 mark up of a bad comic book) What cereal box did you shake this out of, Dean?
It's the first print, totally collectible.
Oh, should we check the Overstreet? Wait, we don't have to! 1997: First and only printing. 50,000 returns all in circulation. I keep this in my bathroom, but not for reading. This isn't a comic book store, it's a novelty shop!
[Dean attempts to sell Hal a "rare" comic book of Spider-Man fighting the Green Goblin by taking it out of it's plastic covering hoping to take advantage of his naiveté and get his money. Craig isn't buying it and spills soda on it.]
What are you doing?
Fear not, it was only a 1993 reprint. If that had been an original, he would've thrown himself at it.
[He and Bob are now betrayed by Dean after hearing Craig out] Dude, you told me that was real.
Now, lets talk business!
[A furious Hal and Lois are forced to miss Dewey's play by having to pick up an injured Reese and Malcolm from the hospital. Malcolm has a black eye, his head bandaged up and a broken arm. Reese has the worst of the injuries being in a body cast, his neck in a brace, and has a hard time walking in it.]
I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!
[Facing Malcolm and Reese] For all the good it does, you're grounded again!
Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!
Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on my birthday!
I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!
Well, there is such a thing as "Shut up"!
Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?
Nothing. I was grounded then, too.
[to Reese] And what about your birthday?
You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.
And your birthday before that?
Pretty much this.
[to Malcolm] Wait. When did you push me off the pony?
It can't be money day. There is no money day. I would know about it if there was a money day. Unless....maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.
[raking leaves around a perplexed Reese] Excuse me.
Beat it kid, I'm trying to figure something out.
He's my evil twin?
Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're his evil twin.
But I don't want to be an evil twin!
I don't make the rules, Dewey.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
