TV show quotes
[At Francis' cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies].
Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
Francis [incredulous]: We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No one's crying for me!
Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.
Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.
Before we go any further, is there anything you want to tell me?
I want a beagle.
[angry]: Well, you're not going to get it, you little sneak!!
Yes.
That's 14-13.. We're up. Game point.
Well, I have to say you boys have put up a good fight which is just going to make it all the more painful when I crush you like bugs. Score, yeah! Whoops. Ha, tie game. Next basket wins. My ball.
We have to do the play.
We can't. We only practiced it once.
It won't work.
It will work. We just got to believe.
It's go time, ladies.
The future is now, old man.
[to Mr. Fisher] A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident fives both of us some much-needed clarity. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to wash my face and when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and if the mood strikes me, a hair clip, and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. Thank you. [Lois leaves. Mr Fisher stares at the man who approached Lois]
Well Steve, are you going to tell my sister or should I?
What do you think? This or this?
What are you doing?!
This is an important function. It's a company picnic. Attended by my new boss whom I haven't met yet. Gotta start off on the right foot.
You're making too much of this.
No, I am not! You have to make a good first impression. It sets the tone for the relationship.
[Hal's montage with new employers]
Hal, this is your new supervisor, Miss Plum.
Great to meet you, Hal. I'm looking forward to working with you.
Same here, and what do we have here?
My big fat stomach.
I'd like you to meet my staff, but I'm not sure where they are.
It is great to meet you, Mr.Jacobson. I want you to know I'm gonna do a terrific job for you.
Great, have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
No, I haven't .
Kelly? Steve? I want you to meet somebody.
Hi. I'm Hal.
Hi, so nice to... [Hal tries to shake her hand, but she hits her head on the catering table and falls to the ground.] Oh, my God! There's a toothpick in my eye!
She's gushing blood! Somebody put a tourniquet on her neck!
I'm outside of my body. I can see a light. Grandma, is that you?
You son of a bitch! I'll chew off your face, spit it out and dance on it! I'm gonna kill you! (The other employees start fighting to Hal) I'm gonna drag your carcass to the street. She's got a toothpick in her eye!
Malcolm, can I ask you something?
Sure.
if you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something?
I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
Me, too. But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
I like you, too, Laurie. I really like you.
Honestly, you have no idea.
I've liked you for years. I think about you all the time.
Oh, no!
What?
oh, my God! I am so sorry! I was talking about Gary Spindler! Oh, no!
It's okay.
No! This is so humiliating! It's all my fault. Malcolm, I am so sorry!
Really, it's not that. ..
Malcolm and Laurie. Remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours, so let's get hopping.
Hey, I want candy!
What did I tell you? Sit in that chair and wait until the picnic is over!
Excuse me? Are you Lois?
Yes.
Where do you get off talking to my wife about my mother?! I wet my bed every night until I was 16. Mt mother changed those sheets for years and never said a word! I don't care if they get along. My mother's important to me. I didn't say anything about your mother! By the way, I don't have a porn problem! She introduced it into our home! I don't have any interest. It was her idea and now I'm the pervert! I don't know what it is in porn. Maybe it's the safety of emotional distance.
Mom, you don't have to hold on to me, I'll be good.
OK.
Lois!
You don't have to thank me. Let me enjoy the rest of the picnic.
You told my husband I was insane and should be committed!
I didn't say that! How does letting him video-tape you in bed help our marriage?
What?! I didn't tell him!
You've gotta stop this! I don't have time for my own family's problems without listen to you two nutcases! So why don't you just... [Meg smacks Lois in the face]
Oh! I don't think you understood me. [Lois slaps Meg in the face, then they start fighting.]
[Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]
You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.
No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
[Hal hangs up]
[over pay phone] How many police cars are chasing you?
[over cell phone] I don't know; eight, maybe nine? What are we gonna do? There's no way out of this!
Hey, don't give up! Sometimes things look darkest right before the sun breaks loose-
[Five lumberjacks enter the room and stand behind Francis with their arms folded]
...and sometimes you have to realize that the game is over, and that you've lost. The-
[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]
...The only thing left to do is to stop running, stand up, and face the consequences like a man. And-
[Five more lumberjacks enter the room]
...And even if the outcome is gonna be more horrible than you could possibly imagine, you can hold your head up high, show some class, and end it with dignity!
[Francis puts down the phone, swallows, and turns to face the lumberjacks]
Class...
[over the phone] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! NOT THE STUMP ROOTER! NOOO!
[Reese hangs up]
He's just using you and what's worse is you're falling for it!
Leave me alone!
You heard her.
But... What's her name?
What?
What's her name?
I know what her name is and I am not going to dignify that with a response. And her name is...
[He fails to call out Cynthia's name and touches her breasts. Enraged she punches Reese in the face and he falls to the floor]
[beating Reese to a pulp] HOW CAN YOU BE SO CREEPY?! DON'T YOU EVEN HAVE THE REMOTEST SENSE OF DECENCY TOWARDS A FELLOW HUMAN BEING?! I HAVE FEELINGS! I WILL BE TREATED WITH RESPECT!
[Malcolm salutes jauntily and walks out of the room as Cynthia continues kicking Reese.]
[offscreen] I WILL NOT BE OBJECTIFIED!!!! I WILL NOT BE HUMILIATED OR DEMEANED!! NOW KISS MY SHOE! KISS MY SHOE!!!
[Francis is trying to make sense of a totem pole]
I have fasted, I have meditated, I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness! I just want to know what to do! What am I missing?! Okay, let's see, there's a wolf. What's that? Loyalty! And the eagle. Keen insight. Insight! And the frog is...bug-eating! BUT WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?! Please, just give me a sign or-or a signal or-or something! [The door bursts open and an Inuit man steps in] Oh, my God!
You the dirtbag that took my pole?!
Huh?
That's my pole. I want it back!
Oh, of course. I'm so sorry. Look, I didn't take it, but, please, I'm going crazy. Can you tell me what it means?
Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my carport.
What?! You use this as a wheel stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?
Sacred? It's a decoration. You know, like a coat of arms or a storybook. It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve on a nice Saturday afternoon.
But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy...!
You white boys are all the same. [sarcastic] I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears and listen to the spirit of the wind! [angry] I've got news for you. I work for a living! I'm a Baptist, and I'm proud of it!
But... are you sure?
And by the way, I have only one word for snow... SNOW!
Oh, by the way, I lived in your house while you were on vacation last month.
We didn't go on vacation!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
