BVBoone Vincent
The here and now is a special, special gift. That's why I call it "the present".
S5Vegas
No one expects you to be perfect. If I wanted perfection, I would have hired a robot... or a Swede.
S5Watching the Baby
PPolly
Oh, my God. I'm supposed to be in court today.
Look, Lois will pay for these tomorrow when she comes in.
You can't take those! That's shoplifting!
Fine, then I'm shoplifting, What are you going to do about it?!
Vernon!
KKathy
[through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?
You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.
[Stevie takes a hit from his inhaler, then from his breath spray]
What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?
JJoanne
Right now. With us. In that.
[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!
JJoanne
[later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.
You want to make them jealous?
JJoanne
No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.
You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?
LDLimo Driver
Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.
These girls want to fool around with us.
Only because we're losers.
Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!
I know.
Then why are you...
Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right.
LDLimo Driver
Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?
So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.
S5Goodbye Kitty
AKAbe Kenarban
Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago.
What on earth are you doing?
I have to practice being in a wheelchair...
I suppose that makes sense. You'll never know... all it takes is one horrible accident and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.
Just for basketball...
That's the spirit!
Thanks, Malcolm, that is what I really needed to hear.
Oh, good.
[about the computer] This thing sucks at sarcasm.
S5Thanksgiving
[buzzer]
The Monkfish!! [searches drawer] Where are the oven mitts?
Do you want me to look?
No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels. I need something.
I'll get a towel from the bathroom.
No, there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.
Well, what are you gonna do?
There's only one thing I can do. [walks over to oven and opens it]
Reese, nooooo!!!
Yes! [grabs Monkfish with his bare hands, screams and pulls it out] Make me a space!!
Where?!?
Move the oven mitts! [Piama moves the oven mitts and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.]
Dewey, do you trust me?
No.
[aggressively] Do you fear me?
Not in the long run.
S5Malcolm Films Reese
Do I try to keep on buying new clothes?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.