Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

The Army. What do you expect from people who would give Reese a gun?

Lois

Oh, that's right, it's the Army's fault that your brother gets killed.

Hal

Now Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.

Malcolm

Huh?

Hal

Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones and hideous self-involvement. They are all immoral little creeps.

Lois

Don't defend him, Hal. Just help me make dinner.

Dewey

Great, angry meatloaf. Thanks a lot.

Malcolm

[to audience] I don't have to worry about Reese. All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid... Oh, God.

Hal

Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny!

Thanks mister, but we can always be huger and shinier!

Dewey

[muffled yelling] Dad!

Hal

Dewey?

Dewey

Daaaaaad!

Hal

Dewey? Where are you?

Dewey

I don't know! My garbage fort collapsed!

Hal

Can you breathe?

Dewey

Yes. But I don't want to!

Hal

You know that jerk across the road who's got it in for me?

Dewey

Which one? 'Parking Jerk' or 'Lawnmower Jerk'?

Hal

No! 'Christmas Jerk', Bill Randall! Every year that guy waits to see what Christmas decorations I put out and then finds a way to top it. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?!

Dewey

Wait, which one's 'Call the Cops Jerk'?

Hal

That's like four of them!

Lois

[about Jamie] He is absolutely the worst kid we've ever had.

Hal

Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois, it's just the hand we were dealt. God doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.

Lois

Hal, get in this bed and go to sleep!

Hal

[grabbing a pillow and blanket] Oh, I'll sleep. I'll sleep where I'm wanted.

Lois

Oh, I remember this! This is Reese's fifth birthday!

Hal

And this must be Christmas that same year.

Lois

He grew up so fast!

Hal

Oh, he sure did. Here's Malcolm's first day at school.

Lois

Remember when we lost Dewey at the flea market?

Hal

[holds out wrist] Still keeps great time.

Lois

Want to go through the arrest reports?

Hal

I'll pour some more wine.

Hal

[on Reese's attachment to the caterpillars] Crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you? Well welcome to my world! Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines! Ha, ha, see how you like it! At least yours'll be dead in a month.

Reese

Then I can keep them?

Hal

Throw them under the tarp with the old Playboys. And you'd better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise!

Lois

[about Ida] She's lost her mind. She thinks she's back in her old village. I have to go up there.

Hal

Why?

Lois

Hal, she has one leg, she's demented, she could wander out on the freeway.

Hal

I thought we had agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life!

Hal

You think your dad being killed by a TV set is funny? I'll tell you what's funny! Being grounded for the rest of your lives!

Malcolm

[aside to the camera] After about an hour, he managed to spit a piece of glass into my lap. You've got to admire that kind of perseverance.

Hal

Your children and your children's children will grow up grounded in this house!

Malcolm

[to camera] I can't understand a word he's saying, but judging by his expression, I probably shouldn't ask for the car this weekend.

The dry cleaner

the drug store

Hal

where else? Tim?

there's a place you can go to have your shoes treated so they won't smell over time

hal

*writing down on whiteboard* so what do this all mean?

hal

(quitely) it means nothing.

Are these your boys?

Hal

You little monsters! How dare you get into trouble again? After all your mother does for you?

Lois

Apparently I’ve been entered in the Miss Tri-County Pageant.

Hal

What?

Lois

The boys entered me into this pageant.

Hal

[quoting letter] “Lucky to have her in our lives.” “Too special to be kept a secret.” “She suffers in silence.” Oh, can you believe this?!

Lois

I know. They do all these horrible things, and then they go and do something like this…

Hal

Yes, well, they’re good boys…

Dewey

We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.

Hal

You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believed her sons love her. What a moron!

Hal

It's going to be great. That's why I blocked out the next three hours to work with Dewey.

Dewey

Dad, I have homework!

Hal

Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.