Hal quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?

Reese

Dad, I can't die.

Hal

What?

Reese

I'm seventeen.

Hal

And so you can't die?

Reese

I just don't see it happening.

Hal

I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.

Reese

Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

Dewey

[Drinking Coffee] MMMMMM. Rich roasted goodness. Suddenly, I'm in a French café.

Hal

[smoking a cigarette] Well I'm with two girls in a speedboat sucking down a smooth blend of fine tobaccos. Mmm.

Lois

[Catches Hal smoking] HAL!

Hal

[takes out his cigarette] Dewey's drinking coffee.

Lois

I cannot believe they called me into work. I requested Halloween off eight months ago, and suddenly, Mary Beth becomes a Wiccan so she can take it as a religious holiday.

Hal

There will be more Halloweens... barring some tragic event.

Lois

[reminding Hal] But this is the good one, you know. There's such a tiny window where the kids are so sweet and adorable and you can dress them up however you want. [disgusted] Every year after that, Halloween's just another trip to the police station.

Dewey

Is that a bee?

Hal

That is how you know it's fresh. You won't find any bees in your store-bought honey, I'll tell you that much.

Dewey

Where did this come from?

Hal

Spoils of war, Dewey. You know that beehive in the tool shed I've been battling for months? Victory is mine.

Dewey

You did it yourself? [Hal nods]

Dewey

How'd you know how to do that?

Hal

It's instinctual. You see, human beings were born with everything they need to destroy bees. Except the poison. You have to buy that.

Dewey

I feel kind of sorry for the bees, though.

Hal

It's survival of the fittest, Dewey. If they had won, they'd be spreading us on toast right now.

Lois

[about Reese] What are we going to do about him, Hal? He shows absolutely no interest in his future.

Hal

I'm sorry, honey. I thought you had given up on him too.

Lois

[in the shower] Hal!

Hal

I paid the bill! It's the whole neighborhood!

Hal

You're here!

Malcolm

Kind of.

Hal

You lied to me! You're not drunk at all!

Malcolm

You said that if I called and said I was drunk, I would not get in trouble!

Hal

That only applies if you're actually drunk!

Hal

Okay, what you need here is some sort of romantic gesture.

Dewey

What do you mean?

Hal

Just off the top of my head, you could send her a nice box of expensive chocolates.

Dewey

I'm not sure.

Hal

Too late. You already did. You just dropped off a big box on her front doorstep, rang the bell, and ran like hell. You also trampled some of her rose bushes. Congratulations, son.

[to Lois] Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.

Lois

You need to touch my what?

I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. [putting on rubber gloves]

Lois

Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?

Dewey

[yelling] Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!

The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? [More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]

Hal

OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.

Dewey

So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!

Lois

Are you trying to calm me down?

Hal

No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.

Lois

[quietly] Get like what?

Hal

Well... you know.

Lois

No, I don't know. How is it I get?

Hal

Well...

Lois

If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. [pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal]

Hal

You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.

Piama

Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]

Francis

There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!

Ida

You better make that first swing count, princess!

Lois

Hal...

Hal

Right. [Calming down Francis] Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.

Malcolm

[furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!

Lois

Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!

Malcolm

How is being rich throwing my life away?!

Lois

Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.

Malcolm

What?!

Lois

Of the United States.

Malcolm

Dad...!

Hal

I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]

Francis

Thought you knew.

Hal

Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.

Malcolm

What if I don't want to be President?!

Lois

It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!

Malcolm

[sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!

Lois

That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!

Malcolm

Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!

Lois

Of course it did. We decided against it.

Malcolm

WHAT?!

Lois

Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.

Malcolm

I've been suffering all my life!

Lois

I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.

Hal

That's Dewey.

Dewey

[gleeful] Really?

Malcolm

This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!

Lois

You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]