Reese quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Lois

[looks at Hal] Was that "scramble" or "strangle"?

Reese

What are you guys talking about?

Lois

You know what we're talking about! Last week, you...

Reese

I can name Third World countries where stuff like that happens all the time!

Lois

What am I going to do with you, Reese?! I don't want to say this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge!

Lois

Reese, I really owe you some thanks for giving me some faith in myself. The next few days, I will be saying very little. I will be deciding on a punishment. Ideas are already popping into my mind, it's really very exciting! But I don't want to get hasty and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied!

Reese

Ow! Are you going to drag me all the way home?!

Hal

Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too.

Reese

Wait a second! You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me? I'm a year older than he is. Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?

Hal

Well...son...

Reese

[Laughs] I'm just screwing with you! Relax!

Reese

[to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!

Malcolm

There's one on your hand.

Reese

Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...

Malcolm

This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write our ticket to any college in the country.

Stevie

Then everyone... will pay.

Malcolm

Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated.

Reese

Maybe I can help.

Malcolm

That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.

Malcolm

I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.

Reese

Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!

Malcolm

What are you trying to do?

Reese

Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why's she being so nice to you?

Dewey

Because for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk; she does it because we do stuff that's bad. And if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her, it's us.

Malcolm

Fine, don't tell us.

[as she walks in] So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning! We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks now and they still haven't carted him off yet!

Reese

No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here like you own the place! Go back outside and knock...and then go away!

[pauses, then continues as if nothing has happened] Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants, rolling burning trash cans into the street!

Malcolm

[aside to the camera] The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block!

Lois

Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.

Reese

[offended] Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'd be throwing a parade for him, right now.

Reese

[shrieks] Noooooo.

Lois

It just took it.

Reese

That could've been me. [unplugs the vacuum] I need five minutes alone with the vacuum. [takes the vacuum and leaves]

Dewey

Reese just came up with the most fun thing to do. Riding your bike through the graveyard. With your eyes closed. He smashed into this one gravestone, flew through the air, hit another gravestone, and landed in an open grave!

Reese

Lying in that hole was surprisingly peaceful. I no longer fear death.

Reese

You are going to be so proud of me.

Malcolm

Why?

Reese

I spent the last five nights in a chat room reeling in this creep named Heinrich. I got his address and showed up at his house with a printed transcript of our conversations. He calls me "Sugarbuns" fifteen times on nine separate occasions.

Malcolm

Reese...

Reese

So, the guy starts crying, "What about my wife? What about my kids? I'll do anything." Entrapment. It's not just for police anymore.

Lois

[on the ground] OH MY GOD!

Dewey

Did you guys hear something?

Lois

What are you boys doing up there?!

Malcolm

It's Mom! [the boys try to flatten themselves against the billboard]

Dewey

How'd she know where to find us!?

Reese

I told you she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't be in this mess!

Dewey

Maybe she didn't see us.

Lois

[Yelling at the boys in the parking lot] Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant!

Reese

[bad Spanish accent] Misses, I don't know who you thinking we are. Your boys are very different boys than we are being.

Reese

[afraid] Where's the back door for this thing?

Malcolm

[scared] It's a billboard!

Dewey

[terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us!

Reese

Check out that pig!

Dewey

You don't have to talk about them like that. They've been really nice to us.

Malcolm

Yeah, they really believe in this stuff.

Reese

That is such a load. Every woman down there is just here because they're jealous.

Malcolm

Of what?

Reese

Of the fact that they're not hot enough to be strippers. They act like they're all offended, but really they're just mad about their own giant butts. Believe me, in their heart of hearts, every woman wants to be her. [Points to the billboard girl]

Malcolm

What about Mom?

Reese

We're not talking about moms. We're talking about women.

Malcolm

So all women want to be strippers? There are no women in the world who want to be doctors or lawyers, or anything like that?

Reese

Cut the act, Malcolm. They can't hear you. Just because they look like dogs doesn't mean they hear like dogs.

Dewey

I'm sleeping on the other side. [He and Malcolm move away from him]

Reese

Come on, I was just being honest! [Scoffs] So whipped!

Malcolm

What's wrong with him?

Lois

The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's psychosomatic. Apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up.

Malcolm

The waist up?!

Reese

Dad, what is it?

Dewey

I think he's thanking you.

Dewey

God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?

Malcolm

Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike you super-glued to the train tracks!

Reese

We don't know that! You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day! How do you know you didn't hit him?

Malcolm

[looks at Dewey] What about you? How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?

Dewey

You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time!

Reese

I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me. And here we are!