Reese quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

You're the one who had his license taken away!

Reese

Because my public defender wouldn't even try the insanity defense.

Malcolm

All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.

Reese

They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.

Reese

Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.

Francis

[shouting after they destroyed the ATVS] You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's! That means go to your rooms until further notice.

Reese

How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?

Malcolm

Let's hope that was it!

Francis

Did it say when our vision would come back?

Reese

Box said two days.

Francis

Totally worth it!

Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!

Dewey

You owe me a new Spacefighter!

Reese

Shut up and get your own pen!

Give it to me!

Reese

Why don't you just die?!

Malcolm

Give me my pen! I'm warning you!

Reese

Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?

Lois

MALCOLM?!

Hal

[astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?

Lois

No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. [picks up Reese; Reese groans] Oh, my God, look at you! [Reese groans again] He better not need stitches! [Reese groans a third time] Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.

Reese

What do we need a babysitter for?

Hal

Because I want the house to be where I left it.

Dewey

Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...

Malcolm

Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!

Reese

[Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat] Every man for himself! [runs out]

Dewey

Oh.

Lois

[After realizing that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally] That money isn't yours. He was going to rebuild our bedroom wall.

Reese

But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.

Lois

No, it doesn't.

Reese

Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge?

Lois

Reese, this is helping you become a better person by building your self-esteem. Which you are obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS!

Reese

Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.

Malcolm

Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.

Reese

[thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?

[through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?

Stevie Kenarban

You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.

Malcolm

What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?

Right now. With us. In that.

Reese

[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!

[later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.

Malcolm

You want to make them jealous?

No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.

Malcolm

You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?

Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.

Reese

These girls want to fool around with us.

Malcolm

Only because we're losers.

Reese

Hey. We're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.

Malcolm

Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Stepanovich. If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's gonna kill you!

Reese

I know.

Malcolm

Then why are you...

Reese

Because anything's better than the way things are now! Look, I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said: "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does ANYBODY know who Reese is?", and everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody". And you know what? I was right.

Wow, that's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?

Reese

So tonight, I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are gonna say, "What happened to that guy's face?". And someone's gonna say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Stepanovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.

Reese

The Monkfish!! [searches drawer] Where are the oven mitts?

Piama

Do you want me to look?

Reese

No, keep stirring. No place mats, no tea towels. I need something.

Piama

I'll get a towel from the bathroom.

Reese

No, there's not enough time. It has to come out at exactly 5:38. Not 5:37, not 5:39.

Piama

Well, what are you gonna do?

Reese

There's only one thing I can do. [walks over to oven and opens it]

Piama

Reese, nooooo!!!

Reese

Yes! [grabs Monkfish with his bare hands, screams and pulls it out] Make me a space!!

Piama

Where?!?

Reese

Move the oven mitts! [Piama moves the oven mitts and Reese sets the Monkfish on the table and shakes his hands.]

Reese

Dewey, do you trust me?

Dewey

No.

Reese

[aggressively] Do you fear me?

Dewey

Not in the long run.

Malcolm

Who has the mustard?

Dewey

I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.

Reese

Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.

Malcolm

This is torture. The car's just sitting there and no one can drive it.

Reese

Yeah, it's like that hot nun who comes around every year for the toy drive.

Dewey

Oh, no! Mom and Dad are going to kill us!

Reese

I know what to do.

Hal

[reading note] "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers, or the Browns.

Lois

It's the Hacketts! Like this is going to bring their cat back to life?

Hal

Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.

Lois

I'll get the car.