Reese quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

[on Reese's attachment to the caterpillars] Crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you? Well welcome to my world! Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines! Ha, ha, see how you like it! At least yours'll be dead in a month.

Reese

Then I can keep them?

Hal

Throw them under the tarp with the old Playboys. And you'd better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise!

Malcolm

What's up with mom?

Reese

Mom saw my report card and I flunked all my classes.

Malcolm

What?

Reese

Every single one of my finals, I got all the questions wrong.

Malcolm

Oh my god.

Reese

[ecstatic] I know. Now I get to repeat my senior year! Isn't this great? I've been working so hard on it. I made sure I flunked every class so completely, I couldn't make it up in summer school. Now I don't have to move out, go to college or get a job for a whole 'nother year. This is the greatest achievement of my life.

Reese

Yeah, I know, mom.

Dewey

Oh, God, Burning Man again? Every year it's the same thing. "This time we're totally going!" "Oh, yeah, totally!" And every year you chicken out with some pathetic excuse. My personal favourite was last year's "really bad Slurpee headache."

Reese

See? That is exactly the kind of ignorant talk I'd expect from someone who doesn't have any appreciation for what Burning Man is. A week of freedom out in the desert! Naked women! Getting back to your primal nature! Naked women! People doing art! Naked women!

Dewey

Are all the women naked? [Reese punches him] Oof!

Reese

That is all you heard, isn't it?

Lois

What a great idea, Malcolm! [Reese glares at Malcolm]

Reese

[sarcastically] Yeah, maybe next year, we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras!

Malcolm

You think I enjoy having powers I can't control?! Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are!

Reese

Don't try sucking up to me now!

Hal

What's the matter with you boys? Don't you realize you could get killed?

Reese

Dad, I can't die.

Hal

What?

Reese

I'm seventeen.

Hal

And so you can't die?

Reese

I just don't see it happening.

Hal

I got news for you, Reese — seventeen-year-olds die all the time.

Reese

Come on, Dad, that's just something they tell you so you'll stay off drugs.

Hello McKendrick I heard from behind. I spun around, but standing there was ....

Reese

[voice recording] a stupid housewife who wouldn't let her son buy nunchucks even though they're totally safe.

Lois

[Enraged] REEESE!

Dewey

Hey, you're right. The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.

Reese

I'm telling you, it's the fear.

Malcolm

[bringing a soda] Here, I brought one for you.

Reese

Thanks. And now I'll take yours because you obviously shook mine up. [Switches cans] Wait a minute! You wanted me to do that! [Switches cans again] Of course you had to have known I was going to know that! [Switches again] Unless you didn't think I was smart enough. But I'm smarter than... You know what? I'm not smart enough to figure it out! So what? Big deal! [Goes to fridge and opens a different can which is shaken and sprays him with soda as he screams]

Malcolm

I'm not sure if I have the gift or he does.

Lois

Reese! You may think you're pulling some kind of scam but I'm onto you! You are getting a job starting tomorrow! And keep your dirty mitts off your father's toupee! [cut to Reese talking to Malcolm at the breakfast table the next morning]

Reese

I had the weirdest dream last night. This crazy witch with snakes for hair was screaming at me. It was like she was gonna kill me, but for some reason, it was really important to her that I get a job.

Malcolm

Did she have bugged-out, crazy eyes?

Reese

Yeah!

Malcolm

She shows up in a lot of my dreams.

Lois

Reese! Reese, get in here quick! Do you hear me? What is the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath! You think these stomach folds will scrape themselves out.

Reese

I'm gonna get a job! I'm gonna get a life of my own away from here! And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds.

Reese

You were right, Malcolm. She wants me bad. This is a disaster.

Malcolm

Why? You've got a girl that's crazy about you.

Reese

She's my buddy. The best friend I've ever had, but in a roll-around-on-the-floor-and-make-her-smell-my-armpit kind of way.

Malcolm

Everyone has their own kind of foreplay. The important thing now is how you feel about her.

Reese

It's hard to say. Now, when I think about her, I get all nervous in my stomach. Like my bowels could cut loose at any moment.

Malcolm

That's love, dude.

Reese

Wow. You'd think somebody would put that in a song.

Reese

This is great. I never knew old people could be nice. I thought you were all wrinkled bags of skin babbling about how stuff used to cost less.

No, some are like that, but there's a few of us who still have some life left.

Reese

What's Grandma doing here?!

Malcolm

You never said Grandma was coming!

Lois

I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, "What are you going to do about it"? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!

Reese

For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.

Malcolm

The waiting period?

Reese

Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.

Reese

[at the computer] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... [clicks a button on the computer's mouse] now.

Malcolm

I didn't kiss her; you saw it.

Reese

What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?

Dewey

It was disgusting.

Malcolm

[frustrated] She licked her finger and touched my face!

Reese

Spare us the perv details.