Malcolm quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm

I think it'd be cool if they took the $1 bill and changed it to the $1,000,000 bill. That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.

Yeah, that's such a cool idea; I want to help poor people too!

Malcolm

Wake up.

Reese

What do you want?

Malcolm

I just want you to know you're not getting last licks.

Reese

Huh?

Malcolm

I'm sick of you always having an edge just because you're an idiot and I'm smart and I'm concerned about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.

Reese

Oh, yeah, I'm really scared. Why don't you just... [registers that his arm is glued to his forehead] Gaa! What'd you do?

Malcolm

I sunk to your level. And I have to say, it feels good.

Lois

I should've told the doctor to sew furs and tails on you boys because you're animals! Only animals are easier because then I can have you FIXED!

Hal

[Facing Malcolm and Reese] For all the good it does, you're grounded again!

Malcolm

Thanks a lot for getting me grounded on my birthday!

Reese

Oh boo hoo, I was grounded on my birthday!

Malcolm

I was just standing up for myself! There is such a thing as justice, you know?!

Reese

Well, there is such a thing as "Shut up"!

Lois

Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?

Malcolm

Nothing. I was grounded then, too.

Lois

[to Reese] And what about your birthday?

Reese

You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.

Lois

And your birthday before that?

Malcolm

Pretty much this.

Reese

[to Malcolm] Wait. When did you push me off the pony?

Lois

[incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a 60-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?

Malcolm

[finally loses his cool] For your information, I just spent the past 3 hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan?!

Malcolm

All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.

Reese

They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.

Reese

Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.

Francis

[shouting after they destroyed the ATVS] You stay away from the horses, the vehicles, and the ATV's! That means go to your rooms until further notice.

Reese

How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?

Malcolm

Let's hope that was it!

Francis

Did it say when our vision would come back?

Reese

Box said two days.

Francis

Totally worth it!

Reese has everything I want! I never have what I need! I don't even have my own bed! Why does everything in my life SUCK?!

Dewey

You owe me a new Spacefighter!

Reese

Shut up and get your own pen!

Give it to me!

Reese

Why don't you just die?!

Malcolm

Give me my pen! I'm warning you!

Reese

Ooh, I'm scared! What are you gonna do? What's the baby gonna do?

Lois

MALCOLM?!

Hal

[astounded] Malcolm, you can take Reese?

Lois

No one's taking anybody! I can't believe you boys. [picks up Reese; Reese groans] Oh, my God, look at you! [Reese groans again] He better not need stitches! [Reese groans a third time] Yeah, like you weren't beggin' for it.

Hey, Mom-

Lois

You did not already try on those clothes. And you do not have a term paper due, [looks at Dewey] and you are not gonna suddenly develop stomach cramps.

Malcolm

But how did you-

Lois

Please! Who did you think you were talking to? Now go! Try on those clothes!

Malcolm

Dewey, what are you eating?

Dewey

Carrot sticks. Jessica says we have to eat healthier. I don't know what company makes this, but I hate it.

Dabney

I know you think I'm a mama's boy.

Malcolm

No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.

Dewey

Malcolm, in school we learned the coolest thing: there were these people that did this broadcast to convince everyone that aliens were landing. So what we do is wait for Reese to fall asleep, then we flash some lights outside his window then we go to the TV, but we'll have already made a tape...

Malcolm

Dewey, you're totally over-thinking this. Reese, aliens landed down the street!

Reese

[Runs in wearing a helmet and carrying a bat] Every man for himself! [runs out]

Dewey

Oh.

Lois

I cannot wait until I'm old and senile. I'm going to be hooked up to life support in your attic, running you ragged with crazy old-person demands. I am going to cling to life for years just to make you suffer!

Malcolm

Fine, but I'm not staying here!

Reese

Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.

Malcolm

Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.

Reese

[thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?

This is a terrible idea.

Malcolm

No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life?

But why here?

Malcolm

Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a Hong Kong Phooey lunchbox.

Lois

I'm Because I Need To Stop Gaining Weight I've Turned Into A Gigantic Fat Cow.

Hal

Oh You Have Not.

Lois

Even The Doctor Said So.

[through crocodile tears] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?

Stevie Kenarban

You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens.

Malcolm

What do you mean, 'go out'? When? Where?

Right now. With us. In that.

Reese

[the boys rush to the window and see a stretch limousine] Oh my God. I bet it has a toilet! Dibs!

[later in the limo] OK, so here's the deal, freaks. Our boyfriends left us in the middle of the Fall Formal to go to some stupid party... So now we're gonna go to this party and make out with you guys in front of those inconsiderate jerks.

Malcolm

You want to make them jealous?

No, we want to make them puke! See, once they see us kissing losers like you guys, they're never gonna live it down.

Malcolm

You came over to our house and asked us out because we were the most disgusting guys you could find?

Actually, some kid with a hunch back and gills turned them down. Said he had too much pride.