Lois quotes from Malcolm in the Middle

Hal

(filled with rage since he can't finish the painting) Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it!!! (picks up some paint and splashes it around the board) How about some here... and there... how about there??? (suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it)

Reese

Awesome!

Lois

Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.

Hal

(happily) I did it!

Malcolm

Mom, do you...do you like your parents?

Lois

It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.

Malcolm

I know.

Lois

At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.

Malcolm

Back to their own home.

Lois

Yeah...that's what I meant.

Lois

(sees that the new refrigerator has been destroyed) WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!

Victor

We can't be sure.

Reese

(hysterical) Grandpa gave me a grenade, and it was going to blow, and I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm threw it in the fridge!

Lois

You gave my son a grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!

Lois

I am not taking traffic school.

Hal

Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.

Lois

I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.

Lois

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Lois

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

Lois

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...

You're right, mom!

Hal

I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?

Francis

Mom, just calm down.

Lois

I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?

Francis

It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.

Lois

You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.

Francis

This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!

Lois

Excuse me??!!

Francis

When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.

Lois

I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!

Francis

[sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the cops, you send me to military school! Ironic, isn;t it?!

Lois

That cop was out to get me!

Francis

Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?

Lois

Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.

Francis

Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.

Lois

Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Lois

Anything you break comes out of your allowance!

Reese

We don't get an allowance!

Lois

Well, now you know why!

Lois

Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.

Francis

Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.

Lois

You bring the yams. [hangs up]

Lois

The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)

Malcolm

Dad?

Hal

You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)

Lois

Dewey, it's going to okay. Mommy is...

Dewey

Can you turn on the siren?

Sure. (turns it on)

Dewey

Yeah! [imitates siren]

Reese

[as Lois is pulled over by a cop] Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the news.

Lois

[ignores Reese and pulls over] All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!

Malcolm

[To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.

Reese

Gimme that!

Lois

Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.

Hal

Well, there goes our summer vacation.

Dewey

So we have to pay, even though he was faking?

Malcolm

I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.

Reese

Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?

Hal

Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?

Malcolm

[To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm

Mom, my stomach hurts.

Reese

So does mine!

Malcolm

I'm not kidding, it's really sore.

Reese

Owwwww... it hurts.

Malcolm

Shut up, Reese.

Reese

I see spots! Mommy!

Lois

Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.

Hal

You know, now you mentioned it...

Lois

Everybody's going!

Malcolm

Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?

Lois

I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.

Reese

I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.

Lois

Reese, give your brother a hug.

Reese

Aw, mom?

Lois

Do it!

Reese

(gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.