WRMr. Woodward, Reese's history teacher
I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
LoisYou don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
WWoodward
I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! (sobbing)
[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
WWoodward
Maybe we can work something out.
[upon learning that Malcolm took Reese's test for him]
Lois
[to Malcolm] You took that test, didn't you? You cheated! [to Reese] You let him cheat for you? [to Mr. Woodward] YOU GAVE SOMETHING HE WROTE AN "F"?! You are out to get him! Oh, I can't wait to see you expelled or disbarred or whatever it is they do to creepy little men who abuse their power!
WMr. Woodward
There is no need for name calling. I suggest we just leave things as they are.
Lois
Oh, I don't think so!
WMr. Woodward
Here's the situation: if you notify the school, then the school will find out Malcolm cheated and he'll be expelled.
Lois
Don't you threaten me!
WMr. Woodward
This isn't a threat. I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
Lois
[points to Malcolm] You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.
Lois
Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
WMr. Woodward
I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]
Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! [sobbing]
[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]
WWoodward
Maybe we can work something out.
[At the house on both sides. On one side is Lois watching T.V. with Dewey in a channel he isn't enjoying. On Hal's home side, Dewey is eating pizza and watching a movie. In both scenes, they see the car's flashing lights. On Lois' home side, she carries Dewey to his room and tucks him to bed. On Hal's side, he walks into his room and drags his father out of bed and onto the couch. Dewey hands Hal a pizza slice before heading back into his room. In both sides, Hal and Lois comes home with the boys.]
LHLois and Hal
[Home side] So how'd it go?
HLHal and Lois
[Bowling side] Next time, you take them.
Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.
Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.
[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]
You can go now, thanks for the ride.
Lois
Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
Lois
WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?
Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
Lois
[ignoring Reese] Ok, it's me.
Lois
What's the matter, Craig?
What does it say on this jar?
Lois
"Craig."
Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...
Lois
Are you counting the one in your hand?
(turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.
Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]
[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]
(non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!
[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]
(quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!
Lois
(runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!
[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]
[The phone rings]
Hello, it's Francis. Mom, dad, pick up. I'm in the emergency room and the doctors think they will save my leg when they...
Lois
Francis, are you okay?
Ha! Screening your own child. Fine parents you are.
Lois
Honey, what's wrong?
The fact that I have to resort to lies to get you to talk to me . That's what wrong.
Lois
What do you want, Francis?
I don't know, it's Saturday night. I thought I could call and say hi.
Lois
Can we call you later? Dad and I are kind of busy right now.
Alright, let me talk to my brothers.
Lois
They're not here.
Then what are you...ew...oh...
Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!...
Lois
Kitty, you have to leave a little room between your Stevies or you won't be able to hear him yell back.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I don't have as much experience with my child being in mortal danger.
Lois
Okay, just calm down. You have to focus on something positive like we're how going to punish them.
How can I focus on anything when Stevie's out there being lost and scared?
Lois
I understand how you're feeling, Kitty. I'm concerned. We're all concerned.
Abe, this van is a palace. How much was it?
Not as much as you think. When I bought the DVD player and the flat screen monitor in the GPS system for free.
Stevie!...Stevie!... Stevie...
Lois
[After Hal gets arrested and Malcolm refusing to help his father while talking to a girl] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender?! A registered sex offender! And for what? For some trampy girl? For...
Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's the worst thing I've ever done. We both agree, I'm a terrible person.
Lois
For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you showed your father.
Hey, maybe I'm the good one after all. [Giving a glass of tea to Lois] Here, mom, for your throat. I put a little honey in it.
Lois
That man gets one vacation a year and this is how you start it. [Phone rings] You go and make it right.
Lois
[on the phone with Francis] Absolutely not, Francis.
You're not listening, I could make $45 an hour. That's more than what you or dad make.
Lois
You are going to graduate from high school.
Why spend the tuition? It's a total waste of money and we both know I'm failing. [All is quiet for a moment.] Okay, now we both know.
Lois
Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that's all there is to it and if you FLUNK OUT then that's just another year you're stuck there.
You just can't stand the fact that i'll be making more MONEY THAN YOU! (slams the phone into the wall, it drops on his foot causing him to scream and pain and bump into the trophy case) whew that was close. (the trophy case loses a leg and falls on Francis).
Lois
[looking at a letter concerning Francis] Oh my GOD!!!!
Lois
It's Francis. He quit school. He's on his way to Alaska!
That's impossible. He can't take himself out of school. He has to have our permission.
Lois
No, he doesn't! [Shows Hal and the boys a legal document] He got himself legally emancipated!
[After Francis has spent the whole episode trying to talk to Lois, she is willing to listen]
Lois
Francis, I'm listening...
This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! [Lois looks stunned] I'm going to Alaska, you're gonna be left without a son, and the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!
Lois
[furious] I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!
You want pain?! I got your scars, baby; three and a half years in that horrible school!
Lois
We went without for that school!
[sarcastic] Oh, maybe I should thank you? Thank you, Mother, for making my life A LIVING HELL!
[Hal and the boys go back inside the house. The rest of the argument between Lois and Francis continues offscreen.]
Lois
"Living hell?" You've been nothin' but a problem since the day you were born!
Well your problems are over, lady, 'cause I'm outta here!
Lois
[Has just arrived home just in time by jumping over the fence to catch the boys with fireworks] BOYS!!! FIREWORKS!! FIREWORKS!!!
Lois
You boys are in so much trouble. I can't leave you alone for one second. I guess next time I go out, I'll have to chain you to the floor and tie you in the oven. You don't even pretend to listen. You might as well cut off your ears and throw them in the trash for as long as you use them. You are grounded for the next month!
[a police helicopter approaches Lois]
PPilot
GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!
[An arrested Lois continues punishing the boys as she gets on the ground.]
Lois
While you're being punished, I hope your friends are doing all sorts of fun stuff. BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE DOING ANY OF IT! YOU ARE GONNA SUFFER!
Malcolm in the Middle · 549 quotes
