[Reese is having a nightmare of himself in his 40s taking care of an elderly, obese and controlling Lois.]
LoisReese! Reese, get in here quick! Do you hear me? What is the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's time for my sponge bath! You think these stomach folds will scrape themselves out.
[She tosses her bedsheets and Reese wakes up, screaming in terror. He quickly runs inside Hal and Lois' bedroom to confront his mother]
I'm gonna get a job! I'm gonna get a life of my own away from here! And just in case I don't, you can clean out your own damn stomach folds.
AAbby
I have to confess, I'm a great admirer of yours, ma'am.
Lois
Me?
AAbby
Yes, ma'am. Reese told me so many amazing stories about you. Is it true you once made him cut the front lawn with a pair of manicure scissors?
Lois
I can't take all the credit for that. After all, he was the one who didn't refill the ice cube tray.
[Reese and Malcolm are horrified to discover they're being left with Ida]
What's Grandma doing here?!
You never said Grandma was coming!
Lois
I didn't? Then it's just a nice surprise for you boys. Remember last month when you came in after curfew and said, "What are you going to do about it"? Sorry it took me so long to get back to you!
FSFemale Security Agent
[to Lois] Ma'am, I need to touch your breasts.
Lois
You need to touch my what?
FSFemale Security Agent
I'm required to probe with the back of my hand. If you like, you can request up to 2 female witnesses. [putting on rubber gloves]
Lois
Let me understand this. Because I made a comment about first class, I am being singled out for a public feel-up?
[yelling] Oh, for God's sake, Mom, just let her touch your boobs!
MMale Agent
The kid makes a lot of sense, ma'am. Now do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way? [More security agents surround her as she becomes enraged]
[Several minutes later, they wait for another flight]
OK, the tickets are changed. The next flight leaves in 15 hours.
So I get no time to practice and no sleep tonight!
[Lois makes an embarrassed smile]
[Reese and Dewey are watching T.V, and Reese is poking Dewey in the head]
Lois
(uncaring) That's it, you two. Either side of the couch. Now!
[Reese continues to poke Dewey with a plastic baseball bat]
Lois
Resse, go to your room. I don't want you within 30 feet of him.
Lois
Are you trying to calm me down?
No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
Lois
[quietly] Get like what?
Lois
No, I don't know. How is it I get?
Lois
If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. [pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal]
You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.
Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...
Lois
You were afraid of mailboxes?
I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off. But I had something conquer my fear by ripping the lid off every mailbox in the neighborhood! I turned that fear into hate!
Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams. Lower your expectations. That's fine. I've had my fun. If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.
Lois
All right, Reese, you made your point. Let's give it a try.
No, I was really saying quit.
Lois
Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.
It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.
Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]
There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!
You better make that first swing count, princess!
[While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]
Lois
Hal...
Right. [Calming down Francis] Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.
[Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]
[furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!
Lois
Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!
How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Lois
Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.
Lois
Of the United States.
I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]
Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.
What if I don't want to be President?!
Lois
It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!
[sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!
Lois
That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!
Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!
Lois
Of course it did. We decided against it.
Lois
Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
I've been suffering all my life!
Lois
I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!
Lois
You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]
Malcolm in the Middle · 549 quotes
