King of the Hill · Season 2
[last lines]
Hello, I'm Hank Hill.
And I'm Roger Sack.
Tonight's episode dealt with racial stereotypes, particularly the myth that white people do not have butts.
And as you can see from the man standing next to me, that is simply not true.
It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.
Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.
I've never even heard of that. Have you?
Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?
Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.
Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?
Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.
So you've seen it?
No.
How about you, Luanne?
(shakes her head "no")
Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.
No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.
I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.
I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!
I'm not calling you a liar, sir.
Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?
(sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.
Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?
Make a left.
Okay. (realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror) BWAHHHHH!
Nancy and John Redcorn happen to be at the video store, and see him run out, and shake their heads in disapproval. Hank shields his face and shakes his head in shame.
Yeah, man, talkin 'bout that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man, like when they come over to clean that pool, man, it starts goin' wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka...
Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop, desktop, mainframe, and supermarket scanner that collectively make up the global information conspiracy, otherwise known as... "the Beast".
Who's not a quitter? My dead friend Hank Hill or my new friend Rusty Shackleford?
(phone rings) Strickland Propane. "Taste the meat, not the heat."
Hank?
Speaking.
How ya doin'? It's Matt.
Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?
Pretty good. Pretty good.
Uh-huh.
So, how's, uh, Peggy?
Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?
Hank, if you like "Cuffs & Collars", you're gonna love "Rugburn", Too and by "Rugburn", Too I mean "Rugburn" also. "Rugburn II" isn't very good.
What?! But, who is this?!
You know, Matt, from "Consenting Adults", the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?
ZERO! God, please, watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line! How did you get this number?
Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.
What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, (Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps), who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.
[cackles] That's a good one, baby cakes!
Mama got outta prison! (runs to the garage)
(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!
No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!
Uh...she's coming here?
Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)
I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!
Whoa.
Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.
(spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.
Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.
I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"
Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.
[Bill plays with a vice, until part of it falls of and hits his foot]:
AAAAOW! OHH!! My foot! I think it's broken!
Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.
No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.
Don't be silly. Just let me - (tries to remove Bill's shoe) What the...?
Don't look at me! Don't look at me!
[Hank remove Bill's sock, revealing that Bill has a foot fungus. The rest cringe in disgust.]
I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.
It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. "Quick working" my ass.
What did the doctor say?
The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.
You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.
Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.
[Hank looks perplexed.]
Honey, marriage is about trust and she... well she betrayed him. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.
Oh, you have such a lovely home here. Of course if somebody turned on a fire hose it would all be ruined.
Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along?
Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.
We're engaged!
It was supposed to be a SURPRISE! (punches Bill and belches) I need a smoke!
This is the happiest day of my life!
I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller!
You're not my mama! Mama is my mama!
Luanne, you are never gonna see her for who she is. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for pain. The next time that woman breaks your heart, I'm not gonna be waiting there to say "I told you so."
Mama, please!
Will you quit callin' me that?! I might be 34.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
