(Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.
Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.
[Yelling furiously] I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!
Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.
That's crazy, 'Course I love him.
Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.
What are you talkin' about?
I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.
Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!
CCotton
(shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!
Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.
Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...
Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?
Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.
I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?
Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)
He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?
BPBus Passenger
See what, twig-boy?
He looks like an angel. A dead angel.
(crying) Why, man, dang ol' why, why?!
It should have been Bill!
Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.
CEC. Everett Koop
Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.
CHCotton Hill
Goodbye, boy. See you in HELL!
CHCotton Hill
Mr. Kahn, I'll have a Mai Tai.
(offended) What- what you think?! I work for Hank?!
Uh, dad, this here's my new neighbor.
(sotto, to Cotton) He's Japanese.
CHCotton Hill
No he ain't. (visually inspects Kahn for a moment) He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
CHCotton Hill
[to Luanne] You will never know if you are attractive. It's up to a man to tell you that. You keep eating, and I'll tell you when to stop.
[Cotton slaps Luanne's rear end]
Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that cornpone, old man.
CHCotton Hill
Hoo-wee! Fiesty!
CHCotton Hill
Tilly! Did you make this Stuffin'? 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE!
(in a worried tone) Uh, Dad?
CHCotton Hill
Did I ever tell you about the time she tried to poison me with a baked Chicken?
THTilly Hill
(sighs) It was Chicken Almondine.
CHCotton Hill
IT WAS CYANIDE, WOMAN!
(exasperated) Dad, could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?
CHCotton Hill
You heard him, Bobby. Leave the room! (Bobby gets up to leave the room)
Grandpa, could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?
CHCotton Hill
Didi's your Grandmom too, Bobby..... Your pretty Grandmom! 'Course, bad as Tilly was in the Kitchen, she was even worse in the Bedroom! (Everyone is shocked, Tilly is especially mortified) I Said.... The Woman was lousy in the sack.
(tapping glass with knife then getting up to propose a toast) To the Stuffing! Might taste like Garbage, but it sure fills you up!
(out of breath) Grandpa! Dad! Mom!... It was... it was ME! (remorsefully) It's all my fault! I ate the Lutefisk! I got sick in the bathroom! I lit the matches! I burned down the church! I let everyone blame Grandpa!...
CHCotton Hill
I told you I didn't do it. Your boy is the Man with the Terrible Smell!
I knew it, I knew this was too good to be true.
[Peggy removes a cassette from an audio recorder and begins destroying the tape]:
(sternly) Bobby, you are gonna march down that hall and tell the police everything. See if maybe they will spare your grandfather's life.
[Cotton slams his cuffed hands on the table]:
CHCotton Hill
Nobody's goin' no place! Siddown Hank, Hank's Wife - (turns to Bobby) You too, Stinky!
Hey, don't call him that!
CHCotton Hill
(sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry! Did I hurt your feelings, Stinky?
CHCotton Hill
It don't feel so good, does it? Well, get used to it, 'cuz that's what everyone's gonna call you if you go blabbing to the po-lice...Stinky!
He's right. Oh Lord, and there are other names, too!
Yeah, how 'bout "arsonist"? That's what they'll be calling him in State of Texas v. Bobby Hill!
So many names...what are we gonna do?
CHCotton Hill
You'll do what I say is what are you gonna do. Now get the cops in here. Tell 'em I'm ready to confess.
CHCotton Hill
I'm an old man, everybody already hates me. But Bobby, he's just a child; he's got his whole life ahead of him!
(moved) ...Cotton, do you know what you're saying?
CHCotton Hill
If I can take a bullet for my grandson, I'll do it. But not in the face; that's how I make my livings.
CHCotton Hill
(interrupting) Send 'em in!
CHCotton Hill
I'm callin' him "Hank." I've always wanted a boy named Hank.
Uh... Dad, Hank is my name.
CHCotton Hill
Not anymore, I'm takin' it back! HE'S Hank!
You can't take away a grown man's name.
CHCotton Hill
All right, all right. I'm callin' him "Good Hank."
Dad, this isn't right. If you call him Good Hank, it's gonna make it sound like I'm Bad Hank.
CHCotton Hill
Well, you burnt my burgers, didn't you, B.H.?!?
[Hank and Cotton are forced to the edge of a cliff in the forest while being pursued by Vietnam veterans who are berserk from PTSD]
[sighs] I'm sorry, dad. It was a bad idea to try to get everyone together. I guess I just...
CCotton
GOD...DANG IT, Hank! Don't apologize! You did everything right... I screwed up. Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose; it ain't your fault. You gave it everything you had. That's all I ever asked of my men. Thanks for trying soldier.
[both men smile at each other, the Vietnam vets snap out of it and start crying]
OAOne-armed Vet
That's all we ever wanted to hear; 'You did your best [sniffles] thanks for trying.'
CCotton
Well I gotta say I'm surprised you fellas are as good as you is. [pause] Shoot, you captured Cotton Hill, the whole Nazzy army couldn't do that. As commanding officer of the local VFW Post, I would be honored to have you fellas join our organization. On the one condition: that you stop all this GOT DANG BAWLING!
OAOne-armed Vet
We'll uh... we'll do our best, colonel.
[Cotton salutes the vets which they promptly return. Cotton then sees Hank smiling at him]
CCotton
Oh, what're you smiling about? Oh, you think you're getting your propane bill paid? Well, you ain't! You're in a long line behind cable, hooch, and scooch. [goes to the One-armed Vet, Hank is still smiling]You ever get shot?
OAOne-armed vet
I got a metal plate in my head.
CCotton
No kidding?! I got no shins!
I've come to take the local bookseller to lunch! (realizes Peggy isn't here) Peggy? (hears gunshots) What the hell? (goes to the basement) Peggy? (finds Cotton Hill shooting the book) Dad!
CHCotton Hill
Well, look who's here! Shopping for my birthday? Get me something that shoots like that! (finishes shooting the book and drops it on the floor)
Excellent grouping, Colonel. Plus, those hollow points penetrated Shakespeare all the way into the so-called "Joyous Comedies". As you like it? Well, I like it plenty.
Dang it, Dale! Where is my wife?
Probably one of her smoking breaks. I try not too keep her too tight of a leash.
CCotton
(After kicking down a wall Hank just finished making) "That was in my way!"
It's okay. I'm here, you can go now. Go, go into the light. The light is good. You can just let go now.
CCotton
Mr. Reaper, I'd prefer that you put your hood back on.
CCotton
This was supposed to happen to you. You're worthless. You're not even good enough to be married to my worthless nothing of a loser son!
Enough! Your son has always loved you despite your constant torture. You want to die alone? Fine. You want to keep coming back and never die? That's fine too. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever as the unhappy person you are in the hell you have created here on this earth. I hope you live forever. I really do.
CCotton
Oh, do you, now? (cackles, then dies as his heart monitor goes off)
[in a flashback to G.H.'s birth, and Cotton Hill gives G.H. to Hank]
CCotton
You can only hold him for a second! I gotta stay alive so Good Hank doesn't come out as terrible as you did!
[flashes back to the present]
King of the Hill · 716 quotes
