Bobby Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Luanne Platter

[after finding Peggy hiding in the closet with a cigarette] I found her.

Peggy Hill

Close the damn door!! Can't you see that I am knitting!!

Bobby Hill

Mom. Hand over the cigarette!

Peggy Hill

Nooooo!

Bobby Hill

Mom this is not your son, this is your buddy!

Peggy Hill

NOOOOO!!

Bobby Hill

Hand it over!!

Peggy Hill

Okay. Women and children first. I take the first puff, Bobby here get's the second, if there's anything left...you.

Hank Hill

Who are you trying to kid? We all know there won't be anything left. Lets you and me split it Peg! It'll be romantic! You know like the old days, before he came along!

Bobby Hill

Momma. It's your son. Nine months inside remember? Those were good times too!

Peggy Hill

I don't know. Now this is just happening too fast, I just don't know.

Hank Hill

Well I do! Come on Bobby, you and I can take her! You go high, I'll go low!

Hank Hill

(Seeing Bobby freeing the practice head in the cabinets) Well that just tears it! I have tried to be patient, but now it's time for a little tough love! (snatches the practice head away from Bobby)

Bobby

No...wait!

Luanne Platter

What's going on?

Peggy Hill

I don't know.

Bobby Hill

NO, DAD, NO!

Peggy Hill

Hank? Stop Hank! Please!

Luanne Platter

Oh no! PLEASE DON'T UNCLE HANK!

Luanne Platter

(inconsolably screaming) MY TEST! WHAT ABOUT MY TEST?!

Bobby Hill

This gun is very nice.

Hank Hill

Yeah, they’re all nice guns and all guns are nice.

Bobby

Can I put a gun rack on my bike?

Hank

Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to ask me that?

Dale Gribble

This tornado's already registered a level two on the Fujisaki scale. A storm that strong will send an egg through a barn door -- two barn doors if one of them's open.

Bobby Hill

What about a level three, Mr. Gribble?

Dale Gribble

A level three tornado will blow an egg right through a brick wall. Twister chasers call it "Humpty's Revenge."

Bobby Hill

This is the chance I've been waiting for!

Hank

You're tough, Bill. You're the toughest Army barber I know.

Dale

Set your mousse to stun, there, Bill.

Bobby Hill

(about an athletic cup) This cup has holes in it. How am I supposed to drink out of this?

Hank Hill

No, Bobby. You don't...

Bobby Hill

Gotcha!

Hank Hill

Oh, heh-heh...

Hank

It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.

Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.

Hank

I've never even heard of that. Have you?

Peggy

Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.

Bobby

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?

Luanne

Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.

Hank

Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?

Bobby

Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.

Hank

So you've seen it?

Bobby

No.

Hank

How about you, Luanne?

Luanne

(shakes her head "no")

Bobby

Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.

Hank

No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.

I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.

Hank

I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!

I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

Hank

Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?

Peggy

(sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.

Hank

Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?

Make a left.

Hank

Okay. (realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror) BWAHHHHH!

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt

Mama got outta prison! (runs to the garage)

Peggy Hill

(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!

Luanne Platter

No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!

Hank Hill

Uh...she's coming here?

Luanne Platter

Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)

Peggy Hill

I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!

Bobby Hill

Whoa.

Bobby, I need a soda!

Bobby

Yes, Mr. Witchard.

Not that way! Just run across.

Bobby

But the track?!

Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!

Bobby

They're going too fast!

Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!

Hank

What the hell?! BOBBY NO! (Hank restrains Bobby.) What are you doing?

Bobby

I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.

Hank

That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?

Bobby

I'm giving 110%, Dad.

Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

There's a crazy man on the track!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!

You're up!

Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!

Ah! (laughing) You can't get me!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!! (breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)

(screams as Hank kicks his ass)

Bobby

[voice only, screams] No, not my eyes!

Hank

I thought he'd stopped having those nightmares.

Tilly! Did you make this Stuffin'? 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE!

Hank Hill

(in a worried tone) Uh, Dad?

Did I ever tell you about the time she tried to poison me with a baked Chicken?

(sighs) It was Chicken Almondine.

IT WAS CYANIDE, WOMAN!

Hank Hill

(exasperated) Dad, could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?

You heard him, Bobby. Leave the room! (Bobby gets up to leave the room)

Hank Hill

(frustrated) Sit down.

Bobby Hill

Grandpa, could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?

Didi's your Grandmom too, Bobby..... Your pretty Grandmom! 'Course, bad as Tilly was in the Kitchen, she was even worse in the Bedroom! (Everyone is shocked, Tilly is especially mortified) I Said.... The Woman was lousy in the sack.

Bill Dauterive

(tapping glass with knife then getting up to propose a toast) To the Stuffing! Might taste like Garbage, but it sure fills you up!

Hank

[seeing that some random kid on the street shot him] Bobby, stop playing dead! Get up before someone sees you!

Bobby

[weaker] What was that? Dad, is that you? Everything's so dim.

Hank

Bobby, get up.

Bobby

I'm not going to make it.

Hank

You're not injured!

Bobby

The gold is buried. [coughs] It's buried! [coughs]

Hank

[grabbing Bobby's back with his arm] Please stand up!

Hank Hill

Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.

Bobby Hill

Why do you hate what you don't understand?

Hank Hill

I don't hate you Bobby!

Bobby Hill

I was talking about soccer.

Hank Hill

Oh yeah, I hate soccer.