Bobby Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Bobby

Coach, I think I swallowed too much mud.

Coach Sauers

Take a salt tablet.

Hank Hill

Boys, the Welton Wolves have already left their mark on this bridge. Now, what does a cougar do when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?

Bobby Hill

Beats him in football?

Hank Hill

Yeah, that's where I was gonna end up.

Bobby

Dad, I would like you to meet a new friend of mine and Luanne's.

Hey-hey, there partner, name's Rad Thibodeaux [thi-buh-day-OX-ss, ]. Pleased to meet you! Here you go, businessman to businessman.

Hank

Isn't that pronounced "Thibodeaux" [TI-buh-doh, ]?

Well y'know, sometimes, by mistake, but no damage done.

Bobby

[Bobby is presenting Jesus' miracles in the form of a magic show] Now, for my next trick, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Hank

[seeing the clouds in blue paint] Hey, that one looks like a propane tank; too! And you knoww what those little ones over there look like?

Bobby

Propane accessories.

Hank

Well, yes; but which one?

Bobby

A spatula.

Hank

Well, now you're just guessing! Peggy? [the screen cuts to black, names of executive producers appear]

Peggy

It's a grill brush.

Hank Hill

What's that smell?

Bobby Hill

[nervously] Nothing.

Hank Hill

Wait a minute. I know that smell. [Bobby gasps.] Fire!

Bobby Hill

(out of breath) Grandpa! Dad! Mom!... It was... it was ME! (remorsefully) It's all my fault! I ate the Lutefisk! I got sick in the bathroom! I lit the matches! I burned down the church! I let everyone blame Grandpa!...

I told you I didn't do it. Your boy is the Man with the Terrible Smell!

Hank Hill

(crestfallen sigh)

Peggy Hill

I knew it, I knew this was too good to be true.

Hank Hill

(sternly) Bobby, you are gonna march down that hall and tell the police everything. See if maybe they will spare your grandfather's life.

Bobby Hill

(resigned) Okay...

Nobody's goin' no place! Siddown Hank, Hank's Wife - (turns to Bobby) You too, Stinky!

Hank Hill

Hey, don't call him that!

(sarcastically) Oh, I'm sorry! Did I hurt your feelings, Stinky?

Bobby Hill

Grandpa?

It don't feel so good, does it? Well, get used to it, 'cuz that's what everyone's gonna call you if you go blabbing to the po-lice...Stinky!

Peggy Hill

He's right. Oh Lord, and there are other names, too!

Hank Hill

Yeah, how 'bout "arsonist"? That's what they'll be calling him in State of Texas v. Bobby Hill!

Peggy Hill

So many names...what are we gonna do?

You'll do what I say is what are you gonna do. Now get the cops in here. Tell 'em I'm ready to confess.

Hank Hill

No, Dad, you can't!

I'm an old man, everybody already hates me. But Bobby, he's just a child; he's got his whole life ahead of him!

Peggy Hill

(moved) ...Cotton, do you know what you're saying?

If I can take a bullet for my grandson, I'll do it. But not in the face; that's how I make my livings.

Hank Hill

How you make your-?

(interrupting) Send 'em in!

Bobby Hill

Push! Push!

Didi Hill

What's his name?

Didi Hill

Bobby... could you buy me some lottery tickets?

Bobby Hill

(Outraged yelp) I AM A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD BOY! I AM THIS CHILD'S NEPHEW! I CANNOT DO THIS! I CAN NOT DO THIS!

Bobby Hill

If anyone makes any dinner, I'll eat. BUT THAT'S IT! ALL I'LL DO IS EAT!!

Bobby

Well, I need a window seat because this flower is wiltin'.

Hank

Oh, Lord. All right, everyone in the car now.

Bobby Hill

Dad! Dad, the police are lookin' for you!

Hank Hill

(whispering to himself) Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin' narcotics!

Peggy Hill

Haaaank!

If you people are just about finished, I'll tell you who killed Debbie. (everyone sits down) Debbie's phone record showed she called Mr. Hank Hill a short while before her death, which means she was home at 6pm. Now, what would she have seen if she had looked out her window at 6pm, hmmm? (Luanne shrugs) Normally, she'd see Sheriff Mumford stuffing some Sugarfoot's ribs into his face. (Sheriff Mumford glares at Payton) But on this night, she saw Mr. Buck and "Miz Liz" Strickland entering the restaurant, (Buck and Miz Liz lovingly look at each other, holding hands) which, according to the Sugarfoot's reservation book, occurred at…

Bobby

(reads from the reservation book) 6:03, Mr., and 6:04, Mrs..

Seeing Buck and Miz Liz back together must've thrown that pretty little tank wipe into a jealous rage, so when she went down to Sugarfoot's, she—

Peggy

AH! Peggy's Sugarfoot's, at the time it was.

Yeah… The point is, she went there to kill Buck Strickland with the 12 gauge shotgun he had stashed in her apartment, (positions two slices of bread to represent a car and a dumpster, the scene fades to a flashback depicting the events leading to Debbie's death) so she climbed in the dumpster right next to his Cadillac to lie in wait. Now, sitting in a dumpster full of half-eaten barbecue can make you hungry…

(sniffs the scent of the trash) Hmmm… (cut to a convenience store across the street)

…and sure enough, (cut back to present time) Debbie went across the street to… the Get In Get Out. (winks to Sheriff Mumford, who keeps glaring at Payton, cut to security footage, depicting Debbie making a purchase with the rifle under her arm) According to the store's security video tape and a written deposition from Mr. Freddie Hakime, she purchased a Big Gulp and a 99¢ nacho plate. By buying them together, she saved 23¢. (cut back to present time)

Bobby

My God, that is one heck of deal!

When Debbie returned to the dumpster, (cut to Debbie walking past Buck's Cadillac with the rifle and snacks in her arms) she saw Mr. Strickland's car and assumed he was still there. (cut back to present time) What she didn’t know was that the Stricklands had already left together in Mrs. Strickland's car, having reconciled physically in a store room. And again, in the meat locker. (pan over to Buck cuddling with Miz Liz) And once more, in the slop sink. (cut to Debbie climbing back into the dumpster) She had difficulty juggling the three items as she attempted to negotiate her way back into the dumpster. She put the gun in first. She wouldn’t let go of that junk food. (cut back to present time) And that was the source of her demise, for as Debbie climbed into that dumpster, her foot accidentally tripped the hammer on the gun. (cut to Debbie, with the snacks still in her hands, climbing into the dumpster, the rifle suddenly goes off and shoots her dead, the impact of her body hitting the bottom of the dumpster causes the the cover to fall down and close with her leg sticking out, cut back to present time) So, Debbie Gund's killer… was Debbie Grund.

Joseph

Why don't your doors have keyholes?

Bobby

You're really starting to creep me out, now go home!

Luanne

Bobby, it's perfectly natural to want to see a woman naked, but I am your cousin. Now, the first time was an accident, but if I catch you again, you are going to hell.

Bobby

Are you crazy? We're going to get caught. I could go to hell!

Joseph

I can't help myself. I've got a monkey on my back and it wants to see Luanne naked!

(yelling in Laotian)

Bobby

I know a couple of those words. I better go. (kisses Connie goodbye)

Bye.

I see you! KAHN SEE EVERYTHING!

You know, you're not too big to be spanked, you dirty little hillbilly!

Luanne Platter

Aunt Peggy, Mister Kahn saw me naked!

Joseph

(driving by on his bike) Oh man!

Hank

Where do I register to run for the zoning board?

Fill out this form.

Hank

When will the election be?

There is no election. There has been a vacancy on the zoning board for the past three years. The seat is yours.

Bobby

We won!

Hank

No Bobby, Arlen won.