Bobby Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Whatcha listenin' to, son?

Bobby Hill

I don't think you'd like it.

Well, why not? I like this new generation of music. [puts headphones on]

OWOld woman on tape

Hello?

[The tape erupts into sudden flatulence]

[takes headphones off] Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?

Bobby Hill

I bought it at the mall! It's the Funny Phone Jerks!

Let me tell you, Bobby, there's nothing "funny" about these sounds! What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, OK?

Bobby Hill

Yes, sir.

[leaving Bobby's room] That boy ain't right.

S1 E1 Pilot

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[The Hill family on the way to Bobby's baseball game]

So, are you ready to kick some Wildcat butt, Bobby?

Bobby Hill

Okay.

Nah, don't you worry, son. You just do your best.

Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you wanna win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.

Bobby Hill

How do I do that?

You gotta give a hundred and ten percent. That's what'll give you that winnin' edge.

Bobby Hill

But what if the Wildcats give a hundred and ten percent, too?

Well, then you gotta try even harder.

How about if Bobby gave a hundred and twelve percent?

Ahm ... sure, that'd work.

Bobby Hill

Or maybe a hundred and thirteen?

[Annoyed] Yeah, yeah, that's even better.

No, uh, I don't know. Thirteen is a very unlucky number.

Look, we're not talking about thirteen. We're talking about a hundred and thirteen, and even ... uh ... okay, give a hundred and twelve, what's the difference? Look, Bobby. Just do your best, okay?

S1 E1 Pilot

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Bobby, you can't make an omelette without breakin' eggs, and you can't get on base without takin' a swing.

Bobby Hill

The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?

Don't play lawyer-ball, son.

S1 E1 Pilot

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(Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.

Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.

[Yelling furiously] I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!

Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.

That's crazy, 'Course I love him.

Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.

What are you talkin' about?

I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.

Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!

CCotton

(shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!

Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.

Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...

Bobby

Uh-huh.

Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?

Bobby

No.

Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.

Bobby

I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?

Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)

Anthony Page

He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?

BPBus Passenger

See what, twig-boy?

Anthony Page

(sighs) Never mind.

S1 E1 Pilot

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Now, Bobby, you may have noticed that there is a difference between a man and a woman.

...a rather obvious difference.

Bobby

You mean the penis?

S1 E2 Square Peg

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Bobby Hill

Dad, look. Ladybird and Doggie like eachother.

Of course they do, Son, they're neighbors. [to Kahn] Y'know, Kahn, I just found a breeding partner for my Ladybird. If you're interested in having a real American dog, I can give-

[cut to Doggie mounting Ladybird]

What the hell?! Get him off! Get him off of her! [Hank grabs Kahn's watering hose and sprays Doggie and Ladybird]

[laughter] Your Ladybird, she real slut!

Ladybird is not a slut! She is in heat. Her hormones have overwhelmed her natural modesty.

[Hank goes to get Ladybird. She stubbornly refuses to move, and Hank struggles to pull her away by the collar]

For Pete's sake, would you tie up your dog?!

You tie your dog. She seduce my Doggie.

That's ridiculous, Ladybird can only love another purebred Georgia Bloodhound.

[tense music plays]

You know what I think, Hank Hill? I think you're a narrow-minded redneck!

Oh, I get it: Just because I'm from Texas, I gotta be some kind of redneck! Chinese and their stupid stereotypes...

Get off my property!

S1 E7 Westie Side Story

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Is this John occupied? ¿Es esta Juan occupado?

Bobby Hill

Sí.

Bobby?

[He rips the public bathroom door open to see Bobby and Joseph smoking a cigarette. Everyone is in shock]

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For God's sakes, Bobby, what nationality are you?

Bobby Hill

American.

Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?

Bobby Hill

Why does it matter?

That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.

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Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.

Really? Well, I better check that out.

[Hank goes into the bathroom, sees a cigarette, smokes a few puffs, then returns to the kitchen]

Heh-heh-heh. Well, I found the "tile" — thank you very much, Peggy — and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.

You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.

Bobby Hill

Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!!

[He stubs out his breakfast sausage as if it were a cigarette and leaves the table]

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KBKick the Butt Club Counselor

Is this your son? It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.

Bobby Hill

I'm a smoker, too.

Everyone gasps.

KBKick the Butt Club Counselor

Oh, no. How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?

Bobby Hill

Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.

Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.

[Everyone murmurs in anger, disgusted with Hank]

BDBill Dautrieve

Can I get a new buddy?

AMAudience member

What is wrong with him?

KBKick the Butt Club Counselor

You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!

Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!