Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Anthony Page

Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.

Hank Hill

Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!

Anthony Page

Please, Mr. Hill? Loud is not allowed.

Hank Hill

What the- "Loud is not allowed"? Now you listen to me, mister. (patriotic music starts to play as hank gets increasingly angrier) I work for a livin', and I mean real work, not writin' down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard earned tax dollars goin' ta pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna ... oh ... oh God ... it just ... (record scratch)

Peggy Hill

Hank?

Hank Hill

Honey, bring me my BC headache powder and a glass of water.

Peggy Hill

Alright, Hank.

Hank Hill

Now you listen here. You see that boy? (music resumes) That's my boy! And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God, I'll tear ya a new one bigger'n the Grand Canyon! Now I want you to get out of my house. You're not welcome here! I mean NOW, before I give YOU a black eye! GIT!

Dale Gribble

Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your "quote-unquote" pollution controls. I heard on talk radio you don't even need them. They're just an egghead government plot.

Hank Hill

How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?

Dale Gribble

Open up your eyes, man. They're trying to control global warming. Get it? GLO-BAL.

Hank Hill

So what?

Dale Gribble

That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature's going to be in our outdoors. I say let the world warm up, see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska.

Hank Hill

Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. It's already 110°[F] in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Hank Hill

Bobby, you can't make an omelette without breakin' eggs, and you can't get on base without takin' a swing.

Bobby Hill

The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?

Hank Hill

Don't play lawyer-ball, son.

Hank

(Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.

Peggy

Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.

Hank

[Yelling furiously] I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!

Peggy

Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.

Hank

That's crazy, 'Course I love him.

Peggy

Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.

Hank

What are you talkin' about?

Peggy

I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.

Hank

Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!

(shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!

Peggy

Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.

Hank

Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...

Bobby

Uh-huh.

Hank

Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?

Bobby

No.

Hank

Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.

Bobby

I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?

Hank

Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)

Anthony Page

He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?

See what, twig-boy?

Anthony Page

(sighs) Never mind.

Hank

Hey there Peg-Leg!

Peggy

That was Bobby's principal. Some right-wing maniac just called the health teacher with a death threat and she quit.

Hank

Oh well. I'm sure it was just some harmless nutcase.

Hank

Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that sex-ed course, we can put all this ugliness back in the closet.

Peggy

Oh, no, Hank. They found someone. They found the Substitute Teacher of the Year.

Hank

Uh, 1995?

Peggy

[No, me, the winner of] 1996.

Hank

Hello?

(hoarse voice) You don't know who I am, but I know where you live, and if you teach that sex-ed class, so help me, I-

Hank

Dale? Is that you?

Dale

(normal voice) Oh. Hank. Uh, can I speak with Peggy?

Hank

Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.

Peggy

Y'ello, Dale.

Dale

(hoarse voice) You don't know where I am, but I know where you live...

Peggy

Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. VAAAGINA!

Peggy

Hey Hank, I just said...

Hank

I heard ya! The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing!

Peggy

It's not cussing Hank, to say the name of a god-given body part.

Hank

Well it is if it's the part of a body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.

Peggy

Well, Bobby ought to know about 'em. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.

Hank

Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap! It says right here that he can't take the class without permission from both his parents!

Peggy

Now, just hold on. Are you saying I'm not good enough to teach my own son?!

Hank

If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve. Permission denied!

Bill

[about the long honking sound] Sounds like your horn's going off!

Hank

You really think so, Bill?

Bill

Oh Yeah!

Dale

Dang it, Hank! You know I can't have loud, sudden noises while I'm meditating! I was a nose hair away from attaining inner peace!

Hank

Santa Claus is for babies!

Bill

[sad] You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch!

Peggy Hill

Do you... do you think my feet are too big, Hank?

Hank Hill

No, hon. Just... more of you to love.

Peggy Hill

Ow.

Hank Hill

Oh, sorry.

Hank Hill

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

I live in California last twenty year, but, ah... first come from Laos.

Hank Hill

Huh?

Laos. We Laotian.

Bill Dauterive

The ocean? What ocean?

We are Laotian--from Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in Southeast Asia. It's between Vietnam and Thailand, okay? Population: 4.7 million.

Hank Hill

So are you Chinese or Japanese?

[groans]

Bobby Hill

Dad, look. Ladybird and Doggie like eachother.

Hank Hill

Of course they do, Son, they're neighbors. [to Kahn] Y'know, Kahn, I just found a breeding partner for my Ladybird. If you're interested in having a real American dog, I can give-

Hank Hill

What the hell?! Get him off! Get him off of her! [Hank grabs Kahn's watering hose and sprays Doggie and Ladybird]

[laughter] Your Ladybird, she real slut!

Hank Hill

Ladybird is not a slut! She is in heat. Her hormones have overwhelmed her natural modesty.

Hank Hill

For Pete's sake, would you tie up your dog?!

You tie your dog. She seduce my Doggie.

Hank Hill

That's ridiculous, Ladybird can only love another purebred Georgia Bloodhound.

You know what I think, Hank Hill? I think you're a narrow-minded redneck!

Hank Hill

Oh, I get it: Just because I'm from Texas, I gotta be some kind of redneck! Chinese and their stupid stereotypes...

Get off my property!

Hank Hill

Please, Kahn. You're burning them! That's too much char.

Shut mouth and open mouth.

Mr. Kahn, I'll have a Mai Tai.

(offended) What- what you think?! I work for Hank?!

Hank Hill

Uh, dad, this here's my new neighbor.

Dale Gribble

(sotto, to Cotton) He's Japanese.

No he ain't. (visually inspects Kahn for a moment) He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?