Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Peggy

Hey, you wanna be my coach?

Hank

A Boggle coach? What would I do?

Peggy

Well, Hank, you don't have to do anything, you just have to be there. Unless you want me to go up to Dallas by myself.

Hank

Dallas? I don't want you going to Dallas at all! That place is crawling with crack heads and debutantes. And half of them play for the Cowboys.

Hank

Checking in. The name's Hank Hill.

Hmmm… nope. I have a "Peggy Hill".

Hank

Yeah, that's it, "Hank and Peggy Hill".

I have a "Peggy Hill"!

Hank

She's my wife.

Okay, uh, "Mr. and Mrs. Peggy Hill".

Hank

[hits the table with his fist with each exclamation point, ringing the bell and summoning one bellhop behind him each time] Now you listen to me! The name is HANK! Hill! Mister! Hank! Hill! Peggy married ME! I didn't marry HER!

Hank

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!

Peggy

[crying] I am so stupid!

Hank

Aw, you're not stupid. Heck, you're smarter than me.

Peggy

Oh, big deal!

Hank

Well, you're smarter than anyone else in Arlen.

Peggy

Well, whoop-dee-do! I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbillytown!

Hank

I-I'm trying Peggy. I just… hey, you know Coach used to say something that would fire us up when we were behind?

Peggy

Yeah? What?

Hank

[furiously]] LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?! WELL, YOU SHOULD BE CAUSE YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANT A BOTTLE?! A BIG DIRT BOTTLE?!

Peggy

[crying harder] WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!

Hank

Uh, well, I'm trying to be your coach. I… It's… It's inspiring!

Peggy Hill

Well, thank you, cause I feel worse than ever!

Hank Hill

Well, it worked for the team.

Peggy

No it didn't! You went to State and lost!

Hank

Ah, jeez! I think I need one of those $8 beers.

Hank Hill

Is this John occupied? ¿Es esta Juan occupado?

Bobby Hill

Sí.

Hank Hill

Bobby?

Hank Hill

For God's sakes, Bobby, what nationality are you?

Bobby Hill

American.

Hank Hill

Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?

Bobby Hill

Why does it matter?

Hank Hill

That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.

Peggy Hill

Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.

Hank Hill

Really? Well, I better check that out.

Hank Hill

Heh-heh-heh. Well, I found the "tile" — thank you very much, Peggy — and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.

Peggy Hill

You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.

Bobby Hill

Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!!

Hey, there, why don't you tell us your name and how long you've been smoking.

Hank Hill

Uh, I'd rather not.

I understand. It's not easy to admit we're weak.

Hank Hill

You're calling me weak?!? Look at your little birdy arms, they're no thicker than a cigarette! I could smoke them little arms!

Is this your son? It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.

Bobby Hill

I'm a smoker, too.

Oh, no. How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?

Bobby Hill

Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.

Hank Hill

Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.

Can I get a new buddy?

What is wrong with him?

You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!

Hank Hill

Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!

Luanne Platter

Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen. To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!

Hank Hill

My God, are you still talking?!

Bobby Hill

Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!

Peggy Hill

I will not sit here and have my work insulted! What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?!!

Luanne Platter

I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.

Hank Hill

Why is she still talking?!!

Peggy Hill

Okay. Women and children first. I take the first puff, Bobby here get's the second, if there's anything left...you.

Hank Hill

Who are you trying to kid? We all know there won't be anything left. Lets you and me split it Peg! It'll be romantic! You know like the old days, before he came along!

Bobby Hill

Momma. It's your son. Nine months inside remember? Those were good times too!

Peggy Hill

I don't know. Now this is just happening too fast, I just don't know.

Hank Hill

Well I do! Come on Bobby, you and I can take her! You go high, I'll go low!

Hank Hill

[After just noticing Dale] DALE!

Dale Gribble

Oh, man!

Hank Hill

Dale, you went too far this time! Come back here! [Starts chasing Dale] Come here! I'm gonna kick your ass!

Dale Gribble

No! NO!

Hank Hill

I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come over here!

Dale Gribble

[desperate] You shouldn't have fired me! You know what I'm like! I'm capable of any crazy thing!

Hank Hill

But my lawn, Dale! You don't mess with a man's LAWN!

Dale Gribble

I had no choice! I tried planting the ants in your driveway, but they didn't take! They couldn't bite through cement! They're weak, like me! [Wheezes]

Hank Hill

(remorseful) Oh... oh, God. You sacrificed your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn... What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even...

Dale Gribble

While I was blacked out, was anything inserted into me?

Hank Hill

(relieved) You're alive?

Dale Gribble

...answer the question.

Peggy Hill

I know it is not my fault. If anything, this is your fault. You made him go to that camp with no toilet doors.

Hank Hill

Don't point your finger at me, woman. You're the one who parks him in front of the TV and makes him watch all them Muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did they think was going to happen?

Hank Hill

(Seeing Bobby freeing the practice head in the cabinets) Well that just tears it! I have tried to be patient, but now it's time for a little tough love! (snatches the practice head away from Bobby)

Bobby

No...wait!

Luanne Platter

What's going on?

Peggy Hill

I don't know.

Bobby Hill

NO, DAD, NO!

Peggy Hill

Hank? Stop Hank! Please!

Luanne Platter

Oh no! PLEASE DON'T UNCLE HANK!

Luanne Platter

(inconsolably screaming) MY TEST! WHAT ABOUT MY TEST?!

Bobby Hill

This gun is very nice.

Hank Hill

Yeah, they’re all nice guns and all guns are nice.