Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Hank

So help me God. Hey, this isn't the Bible, it's a Harry Potter book.

We're not allowed to bring the Bible to school.

Hank

Why couldn't it have been me and Boomhauer that did something horrible to you guys?

Bill

'Cause Boomhauer's a saint.

Hank

You leave your face open, you're gonna get popped. See? Pop! Pop! Pop!

Bobby

You left yourself open, Dad. Pop pop!

Oh, my God, what the hell are you doing?!

Hank Hill

Nothing! I swear! I was just calling for help!

Hank Hill

How about this one?

Peace!? I bet you would like that! Why don't you get one with a flag-burnin' on it? Besides, we're a Joy family.

Hank Hill

Dad, it's Jesus peace, not Hippie peace...

Hank

[sighs] I'm sorry, dad. It was a bad idea to try to get everyone together. I guess I just...

GOD...DANG IT, Hank! Don't apologize! You did everything right... I screwed up. Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose; it ain't your fault. You gave it everything you had. That's all I ever asked of my men. Thanks for trying soldier.

That's all we ever wanted to hear; 'You did your best [sniffles] thanks for trying.'

Well I gotta say I'm surprised you fellas are as good as you is. [pause] Shoot, you captured Cotton Hill, the whole Nazzy army couldn't do that. As commanding officer of the local VFW Post, I would be honored to have you fellas join our organization. On the one condition: that you stop all this GOT DANG BAWLING!

We'll uh... we'll do our best, colonel.

Oh, what're you smiling about? Oh, you think you're getting your propane bill paid? Well, you ain't! You're in a long line behind cable, hooch, and scooch. [goes to the One-armed Vet, Hank is still smiling]You ever get shot?

I got a metal plate in my head.

No kidding?! I got no shins!

Hank

Where are you going to keep it, smart guy? It doesn't even fit inside your garage.

Uh, Maybe I keep garage inside SUV! (laughs) Kiss my ass!

Dale

What are you asking Bill for? The army destroyed all his brain cells with their deadly placebo drug. No wonder he's an ignor-anus.

Bill

What did you say?

Dale

"Ignor-anus." It means "stupid," you moron.

Hank

Dale, you said "placebo."

Dale

Yeah, I read it in Bill's file. That was the name of the drug they gave him: "Placebo." I think it's made by "Puh-fizer."

Hank

He's...he's gone! Bill's dead!

Boomhauer

[Crying] Oh, dang 'ol, dang 'ol Bill, man!

Dale

[Taking his hat off in tribute] Bill was a good friend. He gave his life to save ours. I can safely say I would not have done the same for him.

Hank

[Sighs] The last thing I told him was he had bad breath. I wish I would've told him that he was a brave man...honest...sweet...[starts tearing up]...like a...big old stuffed teddy bear...[The otherwise-stoic Hank breaks down sobbing.] Oh God...I'm gonna miss him...

Hank

Bill?!

Hank

[relieved] You're alive! You made it out in time!

Bill

Somehow I got blowed out by the asplosion...that hurt. Ow. Hey look, my- my carpal tunnel is gone.

Dale

That is gross.

Bill

I heard what you guys said though - that I was brave and honest and a good friend. Do you still think that, now that I'm not dead?

Hank

Yup.

Dale

Yup.

Boomhauer

Mm-hmm.

Dale Gribble

What happens if my tee shot lands on a bird's back and he carries it out of bounds but then is attacked by a larger bird who grabs the ball and drops it in the hole? Is that still a hole-in-one? Because that's how I'm going to play it.

Hank Hill

Dang it, Dale. It already happened once. What are the odds of it happening again?

Hank

Can I ask you something? What and what accessories do I sell for a living?

Ted

Tractors?

Dale

To be fair, Hank, you used to sell tractors.

Hank

Yeah, well, he didn't know that.

Hank Hill

They're temporarily diverting beer down to Mexico. Alamo will be back on the shelves in five days.

Bill

Five days? We can wait that long.

Dale Gribble

I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.

Bill

Oooh, tacos! Can I buy one?

Hank

No!

Bill

How about some pig's feet? They look clean.

Hank

No! No food! You're going to get sick and this isn't some two-mile ride home from a pie-eating contest.

Bill

How about a banana? It comes in it's own wrapper.

Hank

Uhh.. ¿Por favor? ¿Cervezas Alamo?

Hank

Yup.

Dale

Yup.

Boomhauer

Yup.

Bill

One beer's not going to hurt my driving. Look how fat I am!

Hank

Sorry, Bill. That's what you get for having a mouth full of banana when we all said "Not It."

Hank

Dang those bananas!

Dale Gribble

Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

Oh my god, Hank! Are you gay?

Hank Hill

What?! No! I sell propane!

Hank

Hey, John Redcorn.

John Redcorn

Hank.

Hank

Uh, yeah, John Redcorn, I had a dream last night. You got a minute?

John Redcorn

Come in. I'll brew some chamomile tea.

Hank

...and the woman in my dreams, the one without the clothing, was not my wife. And needless to say that is not a dream I intended to have.

John Redcorn

My people believe that dreams of the unconscious mind trying to solve a problem with the conscious mind cannot. Is there anything unusual going on with you?

Hank

Nope. Everything's the same as it's always been for as long as I can remember. Yep, same old, same old.

John Redcorn

Is it possible that after 20 years of marriage, you're a little tired of your wife?

Hank

What?! That's crazy! Our romantic life is as good as the day we were married. It hasn't changed a bit. Yep, we've got a great routine. If I were bored of Peggy, I'd be having dreams in which I was bored of Peggy, not grilling naked with the neighbor's wife.

John Redcorn

(laughs) Minh.

Hank

Uh, no.

John Redcorn

It's Nancy? My Nancy? You're having dirty dreams about my sweet Nan-Nan?

Hank

Say, is that a new suede vest?

John Redcorn

Nancy used to like it when I kept the vest on during sex. Do you want it?

Hank

Oh, God!

John Redcorn

Here, take it! Take it all!

Hank

Bah!

John Redcorn

(crying)