Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Hank

Dammit, Dale. Turn that thing off!

Dale

I'm just testing my new sound card.

Peggy

Dinner's ready! I hope you brought your appetites. We are having spa-Peggy and meatballs!

Did she say "spa-Peggy"?

Hank

Well, spa-Peggy is a lot like spaghetti. I'm not sure what Peggy does different - if anything. But it's the one dish she's kinda made her own.

Peggy

Rented snow machines, all these lights-- it's like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.

Hank

It's Christmas and Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels-- great.

Dale

Valet parking is five dollars. Valet of the Dale's is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.

Hank

Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.

Dale

That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house. [yells to Octavio, off-screen]

Nice pool. What say we jump in and see what floats?

Luanne

Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn. And quit trying to read my t-shirt.

You lose something over here?

Hank

I am making a citizen's arrest for trespassing.

I don't think so.

Hank

Believe me, I've done it before.

Hank

Well, how did you get Bill's key chain? Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.

He gave it to me. Now, get off our property, or I'll citizen arrest you.

Hank

Damn it, when Bill comes home...

[mockingly] "Weh Beh guh hum..."

Hank

What the hell are you doing?

"Whu de huh ur da doon?"

I believe you guys are first-time callers, so I'm only going to charge you a buck.

Bobby

For what?

Beer.

We'd better go.

Bobby

Why? Because beer's not TV-14? Set me up, my man.

What's the matter? 40 ounces for a buck is a good deal.

Bobby

Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ouncers, but hey, it's the weekend.

Bobby

[huddling up against Connie] Come here. Jus' think, Connie girl, when we're grown-ups and marrieds, we'll get to do this every night.

Yeah, I want a house just like this-- with soft floors and plastic windows.

Joseph

[staring at the ceiling] Look at the stars. There's... so many of them.

Bobby

Yeah.

Cool.

You know the best way to sober up? Bounce around a lot-- get it out of your system.

Hank

Bobby?

Bobby

Hey, Dad! I like beer! [immediately turns around and vomits.]

Hank

You, you, and you go home now! [Grabs Wally] You get the hell out of here! [Wally blows a puff of smoke at his face, and Hank drops Him to the ground.] That does it! [Storms up to Bill's house] I've had about enough of this Christmas crap! Bill! [to Bill] Dang it, Bill! Some of us are trying to raise kids in this neighborhood. Good kids. The kind that don't try to kill their parents in their sleep. Kids like Bobby.

Bill

Wally would never kill me. He told me so! That kind of communication is very important in a father-son style relationship.

Hank

What? Is that my belt Sander?

Bill

No. It's mine. Wally bought it and gave it to me as a present.

Hank

Yeah? Then why does it have the same serial number as my warranty card?

Bobby

I Did Ten Sit Ups And I Try To Do A Push Up Can I Go Back To Sleep Now

Hank

You Had A Chance To Sleep Last Night Mister But You Decided To Go Parting Instead Now Get A Rag And Start Washing Windows

Hank

Wally Was Not Your Family My God I've Thrown Out Propane Tanks It Would Make You Better Son Than Wally

Peggy

[during "The Flowers of Time"] Hank, are you crying?

Hank

No, just watching the movie.

Dale

Hank, you're scaring me. What the hell is going on?

Hank

I'm okay. Please continue to look at the screen!

Dale

Hank Hill is weeping like a little French girl!

Hank

Stop making train noises. It's not funny.

Bobby

Dad, it's not me. I think there's a... [a railroad signal beeps, Hank shrieks]

Hank

Bobby! Get away from the tracks, now!

Bobby

[after the train crashed into the Ford Ranger] It was a little more trucky than I would have thought considering how much train there was.

Hank

This is all your fault. You killed my truck!

Hank

I'm gonna kick your asses!

Dale

Why is it always about asses with you, Hank?

Hank

(outraged) You brought charcoal into our house!

Peggy

I didn't know what it was! Luanne asked me to hold it for her, I thought it was drugs!

Hank

There's soot under my boy's nails. You don't get that from a clean-burning fuel.

Bobby

Then you don't get the rich, smoky flavor either.

Hank

Shut your mouth! Now, we're going to sit here and pray.

Hank Hill

Dale, are you nuts!?

Dale

You'll never put that creep back together! I mixed him in with two chairs and a toboggan! Ha ha ha!

Hank Hill

You're next! I'm kicking your ass through that thing!!

Dale

[inhales chloroform] You wouldn't hit an unconscious maaaaa.... [passes out]

Perimeter Breach!

Dale

Perimeter breach? [Clicks through his different security cameras and sees the Bobby puppet looking at him through one of the cameras. Dale screams and inhales chloroform] You'll never catch Dale Griiiiib..... [Passes out. Scene cuts to the outside, showing Bobby holding the puppet to the camera with Hank looking on.

Hank Hill

Heh, you were right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun.

Hank

Bwaaah!!!

Peggy

He's gay now, if that makes you feel better.

Hank

BWAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Peggy

Of course it doesn't.