Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Hank

Hello, I'm Hank Hill.

And I'm Roger Sack.

Hank

Tonight's episode dealt with racial stereotypes, particularly the myth that white people do not have butts.

And as you can see from the man standing next to me, that is simply not true.

Hank

It says here I owe $40 and that can't be true. I always bring back my tapes. Look for yourself, I've returned The Great Santini 23 times.

Okay, Hank Hill, June 23rd. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.

Hank

I've never even heard of that. Have you?

Peggy

Nuh-uh. Unless it's got the name Merchant, Ivory, or Billy Crystal above the title. I am not interested.

Bobby

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They're buying me a movie for my birthday. That's why we're here, right?

Luanne

Really, Bobby. They haven't said anything.

Hank

Bobby, you ever heard of a movie called Cuffs & Collars?

Bobby

Ooh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along, but then they do, but it's too late, cause he's dead, but not really.

Hank

So you've seen it?

Bobby

No.

Hank

How about you, Luanne?

Luanne

(shakes her head "no")

Bobby

Oh no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby (laughs). You are so smooth.

Hank

No, we didn't rent it. So if you could please erase the $40 and penalize yourself whatever you think is fair, we'll be on our way.

I am sorry, but the computer won't let me erase anything until you either return the tape or pay the $40.

Hank

I told you I didn't rent the tape, now who is calling me a liar, you or the machine? 'Cause I wanna know whose ass to kick!

I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

Hank

Fine. Now where's the ass on this thing?

Peggy

(sighs) I need a dryer, Hank. Just pay for the tape.

Hank

Absolutely not. I won't pay for someone else's screw up. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now. Where would Cuff's & Collars be, Action Adventure, Action Comedy, Action Action?

Make a left.

Hank

Okay. (realizes he's in the Adult Section and he rushes out in horror) BWAHHHHH!

Hank

(phone rings) Strickland Propane. "Taste the meat, not the heat."

Hank?

Hank

Speaking.

How ya doin'? It's Matt.

Hank

Oh, hey, Matt. How ya been?

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Hank

Uh-huh.

So, how's, uh, Peggy?

Hank

Uh, she's fine, and how's uh, do I know you?

Hank, if you like "Cuffs & Collars", you're gonna love "Rugburn", Too and by "Rugburn", Too I mean "Rugburn" also. "Rugburn II" isn't very good.

Hank

What?! But, who is this?!

You know, Matt, from "Consenting Adults", the country's largest supply of mail order adult entertainment. How many can I put you down for?

Hank

ZERO! God, please, watch your mouth! This is an interstate phone line! How did you get this number?

Not important. What is important is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.

Hank

What?! Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?! Uh, (Sees Buck Strickland and his co-workers and gasps), who plays the most hits? Y104! Heh, okay. Ah-heh, crazy morning zoo.

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt

Mama got outta prison! (runs to the garage)

Peggy Hill

(gasps and drops Ladybird's food dish in shock) Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I told them medium security would not be enough to hold that woman!

Luanne Platter

No, she didn't escape, She was released! She's coming to visit on Saturday!

Hank Hill

Uh...she's coming here?

Luanne Platter

Oh, I can't wait to tell Daddy! Oh, we're gonna be a family again! (excitedly exits the garage)

Peggy Hill

I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house!

Bobby Hill

Whoa.

Hank Hill

Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.

Dale Gribble

(spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.

Bill Dauterive

Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.

Boomhauer

I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"

Hank Hill

Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.

Bill Dauterive

AAAAOW! OHH!! My foot! I think it's broken!

Hank Hill

Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.

Bill Dauterive

No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.

Hank Hill

Don't be silly. Just let me - (tries to remove Bill's shoe) What the...?

Bill Dauterive

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

Dale Gribble

I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.

Bill Dauterive

It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. "Quick working" my ass.

Hank Hill

What did the doctor say?

Bill Dauterive

The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.

Hank Hill

You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.

Bill Dauterive

Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.

Hank Hill

Hey, Leanne. How's that job search coming along?

Leanne Platter

Not so good. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

You don't know me, I am unknowable.

The law says that if we catch someone doing drugs on the job, we can fire him. So here is what you do: Put on your best suit, hop a Greyhound to Dallas, buy every pill, pipe, and powder you can, then return here and spread the stuff around like roach traps. We will get that boy hooked again!

Hank Hill

All due respect, sir, I have a better plan.

Anthony Page

Hello Mr. Hill, I came as fast as I could. From the tone of your phone call it sounded like you had fallen victim to some kind of disability. Tell me all about it.

Hank

Yes, I too have realized I suffer from a disability. It is known as GWS, or Good Worker Syndrome. I believe doing a full day's work and giving 110%, and get sick to my stomach I don't see everybody else doing the same. The symptoms include pride, enthusiasm, and a feverish devotion to duty. Used to be a common condition among Americans.

Anthony

Ugh! People like you who game the system make it hard for the rest of us, the truly disabled. Anthony holds up hand to show he is wearing a wrist brace, likely associated with carpal tunnel I am leaving. Call me if you gives you any more trouble, Leon.

Don't call me Leon any more. That was the name I used drugs with. From now on, I want to be known as...Hank Hill.

Hank Hill

What?! No, that is going too far; I cannot accommodate that.

Anthony

It is not up to you, Hank, it is up to "Hank". This man is not your slave, you do not get to name him!

Hank

I hate to do this but you leave me no choice. Sir, I quit!

What do I do now?

Hot dang, Hank, you have done it!

Why, thank you sir.

Not you, you are fired. Leon gasps, as does Anthony, who is now powerless. Buck turns on lights OK, listen up everyone. Strickland is now small enough to skirt the law. Y'all get back to work this instant or you are fired. Loafing employees get themselves in gear; including Debbie, whose rear end was facing everyone when she was lying on a couch Oh no, not you Debbie. Your job is to stay right where you are.

Bobby, I need a soda!

Bobby

Yes, Mr. Witchard.

Not that way! Just run across.

Bobby

But the track?!

Don't back-talk the boss man! Ain't you ever cross the highway?! Run where there ain't any cars!

Bobby

They're going too fast!

Do it you- you monkey boy! I'm the boss of you!

Hank

What the hell?! BOBBY NO! (Hank restrains Bobby.) What are you doing?

Bobby

I'm going to cross the track and bring Mr. Witchard a soda.

Hank

That's crazy! Why would you do something like that?

Bobby

I'm giving 110%, Dad.

Go-to here, Go-to boy. I want a soda! Go-to now, you!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

There's a crazy man on the track!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!!

Oh, and there goes Gordon into the wall!

You're up!

Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Boomhauer, Yeah!

Ah! (laughing) You can't get me!

Hank

BWAAAAAHHH!!! (breaks the caged fence and chases after Witchard)

(screams as Hank kicks his ass)

Luanne

Buckley said he'd hire me at the Mega-Lo-Mart.

Hank

Mega-Lo-Mart?! Well why don't you just go down to hell and work for the devil!

Luanne

Good thing... that I don't have dangerous brain powers, or right now you'd be in a thousand little pieces!

Bobby

[voice only, screams] No, not my eyes!

Hank

I thought he'd stopped having those nightmares.

Tilly! Did you make this Stuffin'? 'CAUSE IT TASTES LIKE GARBAGE!

Hank Hill

(in a worried tone) Uh, Dad?

Did I ever tell you about the time she tried to poison me with a baked Chicken?

(sighs) It was Chicken Almondine.

IT WAS CYANIDE, WOMAN!

Hank Hill

(exasperated) Dad, could you please show Mom some respect while Bobby's in the room?

You heard him, Bobby. Leave the room! (Bobby gets up to leave the room)

Hank Hill

(frustrated) Sit down.

Bobby Hill

Grandpa, could you at least respect Grandmom until we get to dessert?

Didi's your Grandmom too, Bobby..... Your pretty Grandmom! 'Course, bad as Tilly was in the Kitchen, she was even worse in the Bedroom! (Everyone is shocked, Tilly is especially mortified) I Said.... The Woman was lousy in the sack.

Bill Dauterive

(tapping glass with knife then getting up to propose a toast) To the Stuffing! Might taste like Garbage, but it sure fills you up!

Hank

[seeing that some random kid on the street shot him] Bobby, stop playing dead! Get up before someone sees you!

Bobby

[weaker] What was that? Dad, is that you? Everything's so dim.

Hank

Bobby, get up.

Bobby

I'm not going to make it.

Hank

You're not injured!

Bobby

The gold is buried. [coughs] It's buried! [coughs]

Hank

[grabbing Bobby's back with his arm] Please stand up!

Hank Hill

Bill, can't you see that this whole Lenore thing is your problem? The iguana, these presents, this old tree, get rid of the stuff!

Bill Dauterive

No! No, I couldn't. I couldn't. See, when, when she comes back--

Hank Hill

She's never comin' back, it's so obvious. She doesn't want this stupid stocking!

Hank

"Heck, I thought I'd go ahead and sharpen all the axes."

Dale

(singing) Hank's a lumberjack and he's okay...

[to Dale] Hey, shades. Plug in my Alamo sign, will you?

Hank

Better not, Dale. It doesn't work right, remember?

Dale

[as he sings, he sits back and tries to plug in the sign.] (singing) Be-a-bay, be-e-be, be-i-bickey-bi-be-o-bo-bickey-bi-bo--

Hank

I said, "not to."

Dale

Be-u-bu...