Hank Rutherford Hill quotes from King of the Hill

Dale

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.

Hank

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kicking dang ol’ ass, man.

Boomhauer

(speaking at normal speed very clearly) For God's sakes, Hank, act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.

Bill

Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

Bill

My face hurts.

Hank

And it'll match your ass when I'm done kicking it!

Dale

Come on, Hank, pick up the pace.

Hank

(Struggling to keep his damaged glasses on) I can't see where I'm going. (Turns to Bill) Damn you, Bill.

Boomhauer

Shh... Man, dang ol' disrespectful. (Also turns to Bill) Man... lift, Bill, man.

Bill

I am. It's Dale, he's faking it.

Dale

(Barely holding the casket with his arm) Am not.

Hank

Dale, no wonder my end feels so heavy. Get your hands on the casket.

Dale

It's bad luck.

Dale

Told you it was bad luck.

Hank

I've kept a journal of all the violations these three nincompoops have committed, and I'll be happy to turn it...

Dale

I've read that journal. It's all lies. (Points to Hank) Hank did it. (Then points to Bill) Bill did it too. I begged them not to!

Bill

You chicken-necked ass, I'll kill you! (Bill grabs Dale by the neck, resulting in Dale pushing Bill into Boomhauer and Bill pushing Dale into Hank, sparking a minor brawl between Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, and Hank.)

Oh, for heaven's sake. (Spraying the fire extinguisher on Hank, Bill, Dale, and Boomhauer to put an end to their brawl.)

Hank Hill

Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this, but I would be a bad parent if I didn't. Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.

Bobby Hill

Why do you hate what you don't understand?

Hank Hill

I don't hate you Bobby!

Bobby Hill

I was talking about soccer.

Hank Hill

Oh yeah, I hate soccer.

Hank Hill

Boys, the Welton Wolves have already left their mark on this bridge. Now, what does a cougar do when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?

Bobby Hill

Beats him in football?

Hank Hill

Yeah, that's where I was gonna end up.

Bobby

Dad, I would like you to meet a new friend of mine and Luanne's.

Hey-hey, there partner, name's Rad Thibodeaux [thi-buh-day-OX-ss, ]. Pleased to meet you! Here you go, businessman to businessman.

Hank

Isn't that pronounced "Thibodeaux" [TI-buh-doh, ]?

Well y'know, sometimes, by mistake, but no damage done.

Luanne Platter Kleinschmidt

Uncle Hank! Bobby's trying to get out of marrying me!

Hank Hill

Bobby, you cut that out!

Psst... have you figured it out yet?

Luanne

Hey, I think that's my seat.

Hank

Uh... no.

Bobby

[Bobby is presenting Jesus' miracles in the form of a magic show] Now, for my next trick, I'm gonna need a large wooden cross and a couple of volunteers...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Hank

[seeing the clouds in blue paint] Hey, that one looks like a propane tank; too! And you knoww what those little ones over there look like?

Bobby

Propane accessories.

Hank

Well, yes; but which one?

Bobby

A spatula.

Hank

Well, now you're just guessing! Peggy? [the screen cuts to black, names of executive producers appear]

Peggy

It's a grill brush.

Hank

"I know it's a long shot, but what if we make a movie about Arlen, and send it to the Cowboys?"

Nancy

"Do you really think we can make a movie, Hank?"

Hank

I know we can. We used to make movies all the time. Remember Dale? You practically slept with that little camcorder.

Dale

Practically? I was going to be the next Zapruder, except nobody shot a president after that - nobody who knew what he was doing.

Nancy

Arlen's a darlin'!

Hank

Cut!

Hank Hill

Wait a minute. I know that engine. [sees Dale riding his lawn mower to the Whataburger drive-thru] Damn it, Dale!

Hank, I'm only halfway done! You can't go out looking like that!

Hank Hill

You are officially the coolest.

Dale Gribble

Too late, I killed Shackleford! (the police gasp) No...wait, correction, Shackleford wants a pizza.