Jesus Christ, Dennis, you're coming in hot!
I am the king of the minions, not Tim Murphy, not that jerkoff Adri--jerkoff! (opens a compartment in his car)
What the hell are you doing, man?
She rejected me! Me, Frank! Me, the coolest guy in the history of this goddamn school! Oh, they're all gonna pay! THEY'RE ALL GONNA PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!
Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
TOOLS! Tools, this is, uh...duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
W--Why do you have a bunch of like weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Ffffetish, fetish shit! I--I--I--I like to bind, I like to be bound! I--uh...that's not important! D--don't ask me questions. I'm not taking questions. The golden god is not taking questions! I AM THE GOLDEN GOD! I--I'm taking action, I gotta go--
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, Dennis. Wait a second. I think we can help you, dude.
Yeah, we can help each other. We both want the same thing...revenge.
You're gonna be our new Psycho Pete, pal...and guess what? The freight train's back in service!
Let's get nuts in that school. Let's get crazy, alright? Come on, let's get some revenge here!
Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Yes... [points to Mac and Dennis]
You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Is he... listen to us? I can't tell-
He- He's listening. He's not understanding.
Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Okay, let's move on from thi-
What do you think is happening right now?!
(all the wedding guests are acting like zombies after drinking milk laced with bath salts)
Okay, it's time to get out of here. I mean, look at that guy!
PMPappy McPoyle
ALL THE MCPOYLES SPRUNG FROM MY LOINS! FULLY FORMED! ONE OF THEM BABIES... TRIED TO EAT ME! I ATE HIM FIRST! (sobs) I ate him first!
[obviously weirded out by the elder McPoyle's actions] Okay, I'm with Charlie. I'm leaving.
Wait. You guys are just gonna leave? You're just gonna go?
TTherapist
You seem very on edge.
Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm on edge! I hosted the shit out of that party, and that's just not "setting the table", okay? I made a playlist, I thought of cool shit to talk about, I provided security, I kept everybody safe! Safe! (sadly) Y'know, sometimes I feel like... I feel like they don't even understand me, and we're not even that good of friends. (pause) AAAAH BULLSHIT, THAT'S BULLSHIT! We're, like, the best friends in the whole goddamn world! Goddamn them for making me think otherwise! (maniacally laughs)
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking of something that Charlie said that was really funny.
TTherapist
Mac, let me ask you a question.
TTherapist
Do you often feel... strong emotion, felt in quick succession?
Oh yeah, and not just my emotions. I have had a slight... fluctuation with my weight recently.
TTherapist
I see. And how much weight are we talking about?
I gained and lost sixty pounds in three months.
TTherapist
...Wow, that's almost impossible.
Well, first of all, through God, all things are possible, so jot that down. And yeah, yeah, I had a difficult time there: I had to buy all-new clothes, and people used to cross the street when I would walk by. They'd be like, "Whoa, look at that monster coming towards us, y'know, barreling towards us."
[Dennis is giving a speech to the pub.]
I learned something very important today and it just dawned on me -- I wanna talk about faith.
It's not about whether something is true. Or-or-or based in fact or-or reality or the laws of physics or nature or- or even basic common sense. It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters. Aw, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no god? Who am I? Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better? Maybe it does. Or that this man -- Doctor Jinx... Who am I to say that he can't cure diseases with his sorcery? I don't know. I say maybe he can. And I believe that maybe he can. Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... If we just believe... Then we can do anything!
[The audience applauds.]
Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I feel it now! Do you feel it? Do you feel the spirit? Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter! Doctor Jinx feels it, yeah!
DJDoctor Jinx
I feel good!
We feel magnificent, yeah! And we can cure cancer with plants!
ABAsian Boy
Oh, hey, you must be Mr. LeFeve?
ABAsian Boy
Surprise. I'm all yours. I was told there'd just be one, but I can take both of you. Might get a little sore, but I'll manage.
Okay, well, I'm out of here.
Okay. Wait. What? Hey, hey, where you going?
LeFeve's into banging little Asian boys, so we're done, right?
If we're gonna do this thing, we need to see things through.
Dennis, are you gonna have sex with a tiny Asian boy?
I'm gonna see how far I can go.
SShareholder
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. If Brian LeFeve is dead... then who the hell are these people?
Just a couple of people who totally got off, bro.
What? You did? Are you serious? Just... during this?
Big time, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got off a couple times when we were watching the video presentation. Then when he called me out for not being Brian LeFeve? Whoo, that got me big time. Oh, man, did I get off. Yeah, and then he showed the finger. That was the big one.
A dead finger got you off?
That was the climax, really.
Oh, my God, it was amazing. It was mostly sexual.
[Witness for the Persecution: Frank Reynolds]
Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished collies, my client Frank here isn't really on trial today, you know. Common sense is on trial... and well, common sense would tell you that eatin' a bowl of cereal while operating a car is- well, it's reckless. It's moronic. One might even call it... donkey-brained.
It- it means to have the brains of a donkey or a donkey-type creature-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I know what it means, guy. But if anything, it's not donkey-brained to drive around with a bowl of cereal, it's donkey-brained to drive around without the use of your vision.
Oh, that's- that's interesting. So you do admit that someone who makes foolish decisions could be considered donkey-brained?
Uh- yeah, okay. Sure. Fine.
I'll take it! Now, Frank, if I'm correct, when you were a boy you were admitted into a... mental institution, is that correct?
That's correct. But soon after, it was discovered that I wasn't mentally disabled, so they let me go... and they let me go with the proper paperwork, clearing me of everything.
I would like to add into evidence Article 1. Uh, Mac, will you please read this document?
Mhm. "By the power of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, Reid Mental Institution hereby decrees Frank Reynolds to not have... donkey brains". [shows everyone the certificate]
That is an official document that says "donkey brain" on it?
Well, it's written right here in plain English! Frank, would you like to clear this up for everybody?
Well... all the kids in the neighborhood knew I got sent upstate, so they started calling me Frankie Donkey-Brains, and it was very traumatic. So I got my mommy to drive me back up to the loony bin, where they signed this official certificate exonerating me of all donkey brains.
Yeah, great- what does this have to do with anything?
Oh, well, Dennis, if by your own admission someone who has donkey brains could be considered reckless or moronic or idiotic, and my client Frank here has a state-issued certificate clearing him of having said donkey brains, then I ask you this: do... you have any such certificate?
Well, we don't want a donkey on the road eating cereal! We know Frank's not a donkey! How do we know you're not a donkey-brained man?
Why would I have a certificate-
You don't have a certificate?
No, no, no, the burden of proof is not on me.
The defendant will answer the question!
The defendant-? I'm not the defendant!
Just answer the question.
No further questions! [everyone except Dennis puts their gavels on the Trial Meter to Frank's side]
You gotta be kidding me- because of that?!
You don't have a certificate. I mean, y'know, what else are we supposed to... you may have donkey brains, I don't know.
No one can prove they're not donkey-brained except for him!
I just- I wish you had a certificate.
He's clearly using you. Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.
Oh, you're not using him?
Oh, good, good, good, good. So, you like him?
Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.
[scoffs] He's got... he's got all of his skin still.
And that he has plenty of... teeth... to get...
NNewscaster
Good morning, Philadelphia. With us today is Frank Reynolds - local business owner, and a man with a harrowing story.
That's right. A few days ago, three thugs tried to mug me. Now, I want to be very clear about something. (eats a sandwich)
These pieces of garbage, they don't know who the hell they're dealing with.
NNewscaster
Mr. Reynolds, excuse me? Do you think maybe you could eat that sandwich later?
I'm starving. You didn't have nothing to eat in this show.
NNewscaster
Let's get back to your... story-
Right, so these punks, I don't know if they wanted money, or they wanted something more sexual... but it's a lucky thing I had my pieces.
(pulls out two guns) My guns! Anyway, I started blasting. Bang! Bow! I don't see so good, so I missed, then they ran away. I ran after them, bang! Tried to shoot them in the back, but I don't run so good either. Anyway, you guys all think I'm a hero, and I'll accept that responsibility.
NNewscaster
Now, weren't you concerned that an innocent bystander may have-
Look, crime in this city is out of control. Thank God I went down to Gunther's Guns and picked up a spare. I don't think one woulda done it! I'm gonna go out and buy some more.
And I think you should, too. Don't be a victim, it's time to fight back.
