A whole bunch of tickets to the Jay Leno Show.
Who cares?
No. Listen to me. Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?
No one. No one wants to see him once.
S7 E9The Gang Gets Trapped
Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch. I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.
I hope they hogtie you. And then I hope they rape you in their basement for ten years.
Yeah, give me a chip.
No, you're not getting the chips. The chips are off the table, okay?
I want a chip!
Don't bring up the chips.
Give me a chip!
He wants chips, and I asked him in the store, Dennis, you were there. I said, "Charlie, do you want a bag of chips?" He said, "No, I don't want chips." If you wanted the goddamn chips, you should have gotten the goddamn chips at the hamburger store!
Frank! Little girl coming your way.
I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a peep.
It was weird that they were Asian, right?
GThe Gang
Yeah, yeah.
S7 E10How Mac Got Fat
Hey Charlie, you asleep? Charlie, are you asleep?
No...no.
I got a great idea.
I don't want to hear it. Frank, I'm a successful man now, okay? I need to maintain a certain level of excellence, so I can't have you like telling me terrible ideas all night, because that brings me off me excellence, okay?
Okay, but this is a great idea. We take--we take the M-80s that I have and we stick 'em in some lamb, and then PATCHYA! We blow it up.
What are you looking to do like flash cook a--a gyro sandwich?
Yeah. That's a good idea. Flash cook a sandwich.
Oh my God.
Cook the meat immediately.
I mean, what you're talking about is just a meat bomb, and that's just a waste of a good lamb. So if you're done coming up with good terrible ideas, um, I'm gonna go back to bed.
A meat bomb! You--you--you blow it up!
OH, GREAT AND ANGRY GOD, I COMMAND THEE TO SMITE MY FRIENDS!
S7 E11Thunder Gun Express
[Frank after stealing a tour boat] Charlie. He's my buddy. We sleep together, we hang out together. Once I pooped in the bed, I blamed it on him. [laughs] One time the guys got hooked on crack, it was really crazy. Well, they found a baby in a dumpster. They wanted to make some money with the baby, but nobody would buy the baby because it was white, so they had to turn it brown. We were fighting over the sword. And just about when we were about to hit each other with the sword, social services came in, thought we were killing the baby.
ATAsian Tourist
I...I don't understand this tour.
Charlie wrote this musical. Oh man, it was really funny. I played a troll on the musical. And it's called The Nightman Cometh. I could sing you my song, if you like. You gotta--you gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. Yeah, and, uh... But you gotta pay to get in. I was saying, "soul." He thought I was saying, "boy's hole." One of the things I like doing most is banging whores. I, uh, I go out and bang a lot of whores. Listen, here's the thing. I'm going to have to jump off here. So you guys enjoy the rest of the tour on your own, okay?
ATAsian Tourist
How are we supposed to get back to our tour bus?
That's your problem. Welcome to Philly.
S7 E12The High School Reunion
Sir Mix-a-Lot was not talking about women whose backs have recovered from a horrific spinal disorder.
AAdriano
Didn't you also give everybody ringworm?
No! No, that was a rumor, I only gave ringworm to Charlie. I--I got it from my dog, Poppins, and then Charlie and I were wrestling every day because we were trying out for the wrestling team, and then...you know, we just sort of passed it back and forth.
Yeah, we passed it back and forth. Although then we did try out for the wrestling team, and then I do think a couple of the guys got it on the team. So yeah, you're right. You're right.
AAdriano
Wow. Yeah no, that is really gross. Yeah, that is about as low as it gets.
They probably still have it 'cause they're so gay together!
AAdriano
Totally. Hey, Dee, why don't you come back to our table? You know, have a drink?
Oh yeah, sure, that sound cool. See you later, Dirtgrub and Ronnie the Rat. Hope you suck each other's rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer! [whispers to Mac and Charlie] For some reason, homophobia, it's just awesome to these guys.
TTim
Anyhow, I saw you standing over here alone. I wanted to invite you over to our table.
Oh, I won't be going anywhere with you, Tim.
TTim
Okay, why?
Don't you play coy with me, you little bitch. I'm going to stay right here and I'm going to wait for my minions to swarm me, and swarm they will, Tim. Alone you'll be. Ha. Such sad little...games we play, right, Tim?
TTim
Right. Same old Dennis Reynolds. Heh. You look good, Nicki.
Thank you, Tim! Thank you. Seems like a nice guy.
He's not. Go! Go away from me!
S7 E13The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang's Revenge
Do you remember Psycho Pete?
IIngrid
Unfortunately, yes.
Any word on if he's coming tonight or...
IIngrid
Well, I hope not. He's the reason we have extra security. He threatened to burn down the building.
Ha, that's...
He was probably just joking.
That's his sense of humor.
He has a very dark sense of humor.
You gotta lighten up around Pete.
IIngrid
Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner?
[pause] That doesn't sound like a joke.
Did that really happen?
Yeah, that sounds much more serious.
I want to be inside you. I want to do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a boring, worthless, piece-of-shit your husband really is.
CChristie
Wait a second, I'm confused. Why would you want to have sex with me?
Why the hell wouldn't I wanna have sex with you? I mean, bam, bam, boom.
CChristie
Because you're gay.
What?! I'm not gay.
CChristie
Dude, you're wearing makeup.
Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup. Who doesn't...
CChristie
And a girdle.
Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion. That's not weird.
CChristie
You've also been gossiping with me for the last twenty minutes.
I was speeding through the steps. I have the system that... I was demonstrating value on the dance floor, and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips. Now I'm nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband. Then I was gonna take you into an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit out of you. And then I was gonna neglect you emotionally. That's what I do, Christie. And it was working. I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want. What I want. And then now it's what you want.
CChristie
[getting away] Ew!
"Ew," okay, yeah, well, your husband is a liar, how about that, Christie? Yeah, stay with a liar! And a deceiver! [talking to everyone, or no one in particular] Yeah, Tim does not deserve to be the king of the mountaintop! I am the king of the mountaintop! I reign supreme over everyone in this school. I am the golden god of this place. I reign supreme! I! I!
Oh-ho-ho, you just couldn't stand it, could you? You couldn't stand Dennis Reynolds...reigning on high! King of all the school! Master of everybody! You couldn't stand it, so you had to turn everybody against me.
TMTim Murphy
Dude, listen to yourself. Nobody turned anybody against you. You were never really that cool to begin with.
AAdriano
Seriously, man. You would just come around saying weird shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap. And referring to all of us as your minions.
TTim
You always acted like you were better than everybody else, but then you'd just go and you'd hang out with Ronnie the Rat or Dirtgrub under the bleachers or behind a Dumpster or something. It was...it was really weird.
Okay. Well, if I wasn't the coolest guy in the school, then why did you have to try to tear me down by sleeping with my prom date?
TTim
I didn't sleep with your prom date.
YES YOU DID!
TTim
No, I didn't. [points to Mac] Ronnie the Rat did.
Wait, what?
TTim
Ronald McDonald slept with your prom date. Did he tell you I slept with her? I never would've slept with that chick. She was gross.
WWaitress
[drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?
[Just before Charlie can say anything, in comes...]
SSchmitty
How you doing, fellas? Having fun?
Schmitty, excuse me...
SSchmitty
Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.
WWaitress
Do you wanna have sex with me?
SSchmitty
Yes, I do.
'Waitress: Well, there you go.
SSchmitty
See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?
WWaitress
I don't know.
SSchmitty
We'll use mine, come on.
Schmitty.
Let's go back to the bar.
Yeah.
Let's go, Charlie.
Schmitty just...
Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.