Sweet Dee Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

You crazy bitch! (Dee kicks him in the ass as he runs away from her.)

Dee

I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

Charlie

No I put the bar under the pride section.

Dee

No you put the bar under the prize section

Mac

What's up bitches?

Dennis

Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?

Mac

Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.

Dee

Looks like a shit ball.

Mac

No! It's an energy bar.

Dee

Why's it so heavy and big?

Mac

Because it's full of vitamins and shit.

Dennis

You put the bar up as a prize?

Charlie

No, check again - I put the bar under the pride section, the things that you're proud of.

Dennis

Pride section?

Dee

It's a Z, Charlie - prize!

Frank

Didn't you read that goddamn thing?

Charlie

I gave it a once-over!

Mac

Your illiteracy has screwed us again, Charlie.

Charlie

Your illiteracy is screwing us, man!

Dee

Aww! Not only did I get Charlie to eat a drug filled brownie. I got everybody in here to do it. Okay? Pretty soon people are going to be dropping like flies and it's just gonna be me and you two jerks. Good luck with those kegs boners.

Charlie

Bitch.

Dee

Frank. Frank. Hey, Frank.

Charlie

Hey, man. Hey, Frankie!

Dee

Hey, Frank, good to see you!

Charlie

Good to see you, man. Hey, look, can you get us some more of that human meat?

Dee

Bodies, please!

Frank

Are you still going on about the meat? I didn't feed you human meat. It was a raccoon.

Charlie

What?

Dee

What?

Frank

You ate raccoon meat. I told you it was people because I wanted to freak you out, because you're stealing my food.

Charlie

No! No, no. No, no. Then why am I always hungry? And stomach pains? And nothing satisfies the hunger?

Frank

You probably got a tapeworm. That coon meat is lousy with parasites.

Frank

You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!

Dee

That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?

Frank

Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...

Dee

What are you expecting to find?

Frank

Lot of shady shit.

Dee

Like what?

Frank

Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!

Dee

Why would that be shady?

Frank

Maybe the dudes are babies!

Dee

What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!!

Frank

I can't believe they're dead.

Dennis

I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.

Dee

What, are you crazy? They're not dead! They're definitely doing something stupid, but they're not dead.

Dennis

You saw the tape, Dee! My best friends went out in a blaze of glory, and they didn't even ask me to be part of it! This is terrible!

Dee

Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!

Frank

What are you talking about? That's their last will and testament, that is not demands!

Dee

It says at the top, "list of demands"!

Frank

Well, whatever. It's their wishes, and we have to honor them.

Dee

Oh, we do? We have to honor them? Okay, let's see, Frank. Charlie's number one: "My ashes are to be made into a tea and to be drinken by every-wan in bar."

Frank

Done!

Dennis

Ugh. Damn it. Gross. Fine, what else?

Dee

Mac's number one: "In lieu of a body - which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable - I would like the duster to be burned, and its ashes buried in an unmarked grave somewhere by the river."

Dennis

Okay, well, that's crazy. I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster.

Dee

Oh yeah, we also both have to name our firstborn child Murphy, because that was RoboCop's name.

Dennis

Goddamn it! Mac is dead, and he's still bossing me around!

Dee

Mac is not dead, Dennis.

Frank

How can you be so cold?

Dee

HE BLEW UP MY CAR!

Dennis

Not burning the duster...

Dee

YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT A COAT?!

Dennis

ABSOLUTELY!

Mac

Kaboom!

Dee

Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!

Charlie

Hahahahahaha!

Dennis

No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.

Charlie

Huh?

Dennis

Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.

Mac

How?

Dennis

'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.

Dee

Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?

Dennis

Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.

Dee

That's what I thought.

Charlie

So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?

Frank

Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.

Charlie

And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?

Frank

[Long pause] Yeah.

Charlie

Did I see you bang that thing?

Artemis

Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!

Dee

No, I didn't.

Artemis

...The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the...chocolate variety!

Dennis

You know what I'm concerned about? I don't want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that Jesus on the cross look.

Sweet Dee

I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core.

Dennis

Oh absolutely. Jesus had like the best abs. He had the right idea. He knew no pain no gain.

Ma'am if you just had a heart attack maybe you shouldn't be working out.

Sweet Dee

Well maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch!

Dennis

Ha! "Spin class," come on! Bunch of hamsters on a wheel.

Dee

Yeah, I'm gonna ride a bike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast, and oh yeah, I'm not gonna go anywhere.

Dennis

Yeah, and then when I walk out, I'm gonna put a bunch of metal onto a metal bar, and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.

Dee

You know, I gotta be honest with you. I feel like these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rate's up, things are going great.

Dennis

Absolutely, I feel good too. Look at how vascular I am! Look at how my veins are popping! I look good and I feel good!

Dee

I feel good too, apart from the recent bouts of explosive diarrhea.

Dennis

Oh? You've been having diarrhea?

Dee

Oh God, all over the place.

Dennis

Really? Well, you know what that is? That's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.

Dee

You think so?

Dennis

I do think so. I, on the other hand, have not taken a shit in days.

Charlie

Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.

Dee

He doesn't have a head, Charlie!

Dee

[aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?

Frank

Yes.

Dee

All right.

Frank

Shoot!

Dee

One, two, three..

Charlie

[comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing!?

Frank

I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!

Charlie

All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.

Frank

Shoot the pumpkin.

Charlie

Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.

Dee

OK.

Charlie

Gimme the gun.

Dee

Fine.

Charlie

Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?

Frank

Maybe she used her sorcery.

Dee

Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.

Frank

Damn your necromancy, woman!

Dee

Oh my God!

Charlie

Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.

Dee

You know what? OK, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, OK? I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!

Charlie

[points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]

Dee

Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]

Frank

Gimme that gun!

Charlie

She cursed the gun!

Frank

[aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!

Charlie

[pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]

Frank

Nothin'!

Charlie

Try me! [strikes a pose]

Frank

[pulls trigger but still nothing happens]