Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm…how about your favorite food, what would that be?
DMDennis and Mac
(simultaneously) Hmm?
I'm not putting milk-steak.
MacJust put regular steak and then-
Don't put regular steak, put milk-steak, she'll know what it is.
No she won't know what it is! Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright what's your favorite hobby?
Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac
Playing with magnets?
I'm just gonna put snowboarding. We'll just put snowboarding.
I don't really snowboard.
What are some of your likes?
Mac
Son of a bitch. What are you talking about?
Just funny little green ghouls.
W-What like in movies, or in cartoons?
Little green ghoul buddies!
Mac
Don't write ghouls!
I'm not! I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes?
Oh come on dude! Come on!
Mac
Bro, you gotta be kid-you know what we'll just make it all up.
We'll make the whole thing up.
Mac
We'll doctor the picture.
We aren't even going to use you for this.
Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.
I hate to tell you this bro, but you do not have the core strength to scale the facade of Citizens Bank, you just don't.
Mac
What?! I work out all the time!
Yeah but you only work out your glamour muscles and you know it.
Mac
I work out my core.
No you do not work out your core. You're totally arm heavy, you're all bi's and tri's and everything else is just fat and, and ribs.
Mac
Bro I can do way more push ups than you and that's like 16 different muscle groups I think.
That is beyond retarded what you're saying right now. I can do way more push ups then you even though I was just hit by a car...
You drew a man's buttocks on a towel!
Mac
Yeah. You get out of the shower in the college dorm, they got the butt, right, people are laughing --
Mac
Your buddies are laughing. And then, and then you give 'em one of these. Boom.
Mac
That's a big monster dick.
Mac
That's the biggest dick you ever seen.
Mac
Right?
That's not how you see yourself, though...
Mac
That's funny.
Mac
That's funny.
Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that.
Mac
But that's just a setup.
Mac
For this. Ding-ding-ding!
Mac
Yeah. We're gonna sell a million of these.
We are gonna sell a million of those, dude.
Mac
We'll do black ones and yellow ones, for the Asians.
Mac
This is probably more Asian than anything else.
Mac
Maybe a little bit more bush.
Well, you know what we should do? We should set up a website for it.
Mac
Already did it.
Mac
Dick towel dot com.
Mac
Yo, where you been?
What do you mean? I was getting the movie.
Mac
Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls. I've been, I've been calling you sort of over and over again.
I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.
Mac
Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency.
Yeah, I saw that. What was the emergency, Mac?
Mac
Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude. I almost called the police.
The police? That's a bit of an overreaction. I was gone for what, an hour?
Mac
Yeah, but I thought we had a deal. You know, you would check in every once in a while and then that way I would know that you were okay.
Okay, I'm okay. Uh, I'm sorry, can we watch the movie?
Mac
Yeah, great, sure. The Transporter 2 ?
Yeah, I, look, man, I... , I know you wanted to see Predator again but I feel like we've seen that 30 times in the last two months and thought maybe we could mix things up. Video store clerk guy said this movie is awesome, so...
Mac
The video store clerk guy. I feel like you won't stop talking about him.
I asked him for a movie recommendation, okay?
Mac
Yeah, you got one.
It's really not that big of a deal.
Mac
Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn't even consulted on the decision, okay? And this is a big deal to me, as well. It's also my night. Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1 which means we'll be completely lost... Plus, Jason Statham's physique is nothing like the line-up in Predator.
Okay, will you stop? I don't want to have conversations anymore about dudes' physiques and whether they can...
Mac
Dennis, in body mass alone...
That's what I was trying to avoid. A conversation about body mass, okay? We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month because we keep watching Predator and all you talk about is Weathers and Jesse "The Body" Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on...
Mac
It's important to pack on mass. You're talking about carbo-loading.
I don't want to, I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore.
Mac
No, you'd rather have conversations with video store clerks.
You know what, man, if you don't wanna watch the movie with me, that's fine. I will watch it by myself. Goddamn it!
Mac
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where is this coming from?
I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said and I do think... maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.
Whoa, what the hell are you doing here?
Mac
I'm swooping in on your chick.
Wha-? No, dude, I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick so I can shove it in Dee's face. What is this "swooping in" business?
Mac
Oh, that's my system, the M.A.C.: Move-in After Completion. I wait 'til you're done with them and I swoop in, give 'em a shoulder to cry on and then we hump.
You've been humping these girls after I'm done with them?
Mac
Oh yeah, dude! I come in as the sensitive intellectual type. Why do you think I'm always reading books and shit when we do the spider routine?
I thought you were just my wingman.
Mac
No...no, I'm swimming in your wake.
What are you two dickheads doing here?
What do ya mean? I'm here for the scraps.
Mac
Frank, I haven't had a chance to get in there yet, okay? So just--
What do you--what's taking you so long?!
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, you have a system where you come in after Mac?
That's right. I come in after Mac, but he's taking like forever this time. I got my magnum condoms, I got my wad'a hundreds, I'm ready to plow!
Mac
You should see him feast. He's like a mantis. It's amazing.
Oh, that's good. Call me that from now on. Mantis.
No! Nobody's calling you Mantis-- [Frank makes mantis noises] Look, you guys gotta back off, okay? I'm trying to re-D.E.N.N.I.S. this chick.
Mac
Wait, wait, wait a second, Frank. He's right, it's a delicate ecosystem, we gotta--we gotta stick with it. Just let him do his thing and then we'll come in for seconds...and scraps. Just play it cool. Hurry up though.
Magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds. Idiot.
What if he can smell crime??
Mac
...what if he smells crime?
Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
Mac
Holy shit dude, that's amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!
WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.
Mac
(Disappointed and looking down) Ah, shit....
I'll pull a Good Will Hunting. (To the frat boys) What's your major dude?
(In Boston accent) Oh, I bet you read a lotta Gordon Wood, huh? You read your Gordon Wood and you regurgitate it from a textbook and you think you're wicked awesome doin' that, And how 'bout 'dem apples? And all that Gordon Wood business.
FBFrat Boy
I have no idea what you're talking about.
OFOther Frat Boy
You are an idiot.
Mac
You are an idiot.
Does no one know who Gordon Wood is?
Mac
Why are you jamming me up, bro?
GMGym Manager
I'm not trying to jam you up, I just don't believe you.
Mac
What is not to believe? I'm absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
GMGym Manager
This picture looks nothing like you.
Mac
Well, thank you, cause I've actually packed on about fifteen to twenty pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken. It's actually a testament to your gym.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
