MacKaboom!
Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Mac
How?
'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Did I see you bang that thing?
I did 'em all! I did all the poops!
Mac
Really?
Yeah, I did every one of them, I even did one while she was wrapping up right here!
(Frank points towards some poop on the floor. The Gang reacts in disgust as Frank laughs)
Why would you do that, dude?!
All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
Mac
DUDE! Why did you do that?
I really don't like this guy!
Mac
This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac
Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac
Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac
Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac
[singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!
You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! OK! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
Mac
What the hell are you talking about?
This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.
Mac
Jesus Christ, Charlie!
That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, OK? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! There...is...no...Carol in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac
OK, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Mac
What?
We're not gonna get fired.
Mac
We're not?
Because we've already been fired.
Mac
We've lost our jobs!
Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac
If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having a panic attack.
Well, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac
I am, bro.
All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him]
Mac
Huh? Who?
Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac
Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow.
Mac
You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!]
Mac
Charlie, can I bring something up?
Mac
Um, I think we have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.
W--what on God's green earth are you talking about? There's no rape scene.
Mac
...Well, sure. I pay the troll toll and then I rape Dennis. Classy--
No, you don't rape him, you become him! You do not rape him.
No! [sighs] Look, let me just walk you guys through this, okay? Here's what happens: once you've paid the toll, I want you to come over to Dennis over by his bed here, okay?
I'll be- I'll be lying back-
Mac
You want me to cross the stage?
Mac
Alright, this is a great opportunity to showcase some skills, just put on a clinic--
I--I'd rather you didn't? I'd rather you didn't.
Mac
Well, I think the people are gonna want to see that... and then, I hop up like a cat. [jumps up] Like so. Meow.
Oh, Jesus Christ, let's leave it at that. Okay, once he gets near you, you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly, you sense him.
Mac
What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him, and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got right there over us? And then that way you can't see the penetration.
That's a good idea. You know what, Charlie? Because the blanket will make the raping--I'm sorry, the, uh...sexing from behind feel more classy.
Mac
That's good. And then what I could do is thrust this way, and you can struggle.
No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, OK, absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear anything.....
Mac
In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.
Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!
I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro. It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.
You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird law in this country--it's not governed by reason.
There's no such thing as "bird law".
You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.
Hummingbirds...hummingbirds are illegal tender!
To spite you, I'm going to get one.
Mac
Where are we with gulls?
You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.
I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.
Mac
You want him to bang you?
Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened
[shows gang history book]
. Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac
I see two trannies shooting at each other.
No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
[slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...
[giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.
Mac
I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Mac
The whole thing?
Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Mac
The stem and then the, and the core?!
You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
Mac
Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
Mac
Of course it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
I eat stickers all the time dude!
Mac
Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...
Mac
Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?
Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.
What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?
I want to bang your Aunt Donna.
Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?
Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.
Mac
Jesus Christ!
Mac
Okay, Frank, here's another idea..
Whoa! Whoa! Where'd you come from?
Mac
I've been walking next to you the entire time.
Sorry, I'm a little...I'm a little lit. I've been going over this thing, I'm trying to figure out how...
Mac
How to bang Donna. I know. You've been talking about it for the last 5 miles.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
