Mac McDonald quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Mac

Oh! Oh! Oh! Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of a sudden. Marriage is about procreation, okay? [Holds up two plugs] This is gay marriage! [Knocks them together] That's two dudes bangin' each other! What do ya get from that? Nothin'! Nothin'!

Dee

Uh, that's a persuasive argument. You should take your powerful "extension-cord" argument STRAIGHT to the Supreme Court.

Charlie

Mmm-hmm, they'll love it there.

Dennis

The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy top side, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse...because of the implication.

Mac

Okay you had me goin' there for the first half. The second half kinda threw me.

Dennis

Well dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Ah there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"

Mac

Okay. That seems really dark.

Dennis

It's not dark, you're misunderstanding me, bro.

Mac

I think I am.

Dennis

Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said 'no', then the answer is obviously 'no'. But the thing is she is not gonna say no. She would never say 'no', because of the implication.

Mac

Ok, now that's the second time you've said that word, what implication?

Dennis

The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.

Mac

... But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you..

Dennis

Why aren't you understanding this?

Mac

Let's talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there is nothing I can do about it. So speed is a must.

Dennis

Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests on this boat.

Mac

Yeah, we're gonna throw some P-Diddy style parties up on the deck.

Charlie

Can we talk shrimp for a minute. I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump amount of shrimp.

Mac

You should be writing this down.

Dennis

Why are you not writing this down?

Let me just see if i have this right here. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping vessel.

Charlie

You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

Mac

Hey bro, how'd you lose your hand?

Diabetes.

Mac

That's not much of an adventure is it? Kind of tragic.

Mac

I got us some turpentine, some wax and some high-gloss boat paint. This shit is really expensive.

Dennis

Aw, dude, you're telling me. I picked us up some new slacks and docksiders, so we could have the right look. Y'know, fit in and everything? We're running pretty low on remaining dick towel money though.

Mac

Plus, we gotta fill that thing up with gas.

Dennis

I know, man. We gotta pop by the department store, pick up the mattress--and I wanna get a nice one, too.

Mac

Wait, the--the what? The mattress? What do we need a mattress for?

Dennis

What do you mean, "what do we need a mattress for?" Why in the hell do you think we just spent that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside, so we can take them to a nice, comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse...because of the implication.

Mac

Oh. Uh, okay...you had me goin' there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.

Dennis

Well, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around, and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Aaah, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"

Mac

Okay, heh. That seems really dark though.

Dennis

Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.

Mac

I think I am. Heh heh.

Dennis

Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said "no", then the answer obviously is no.

Mac

"No", right.

Dennis

But the thing is, she's not gonna say "no". She would never say "no", because of the implication.

Mac

...Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. W--what implication?

Dennis

The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.

Mac

...But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Dennis

Why aren't you understanding this? She doesn't know whether she wants to have sex with me, it's--that's not the issue--

Mac

Are you gonna hurt women?

Dennis

I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!

Mac

I'm not getting it.

Dennis

Goddamn! [to old woman staring at him] Well, don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.

Mac

So, they are in danger--

Dennis

No one's in any danger! How can I make that any more clear to you, okay? It's an implication of danger!

Please don't curse.

Mac

You can't censor me bro, I'm kind of a bad ass.

Mac

We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, and the ones we've had we've squandered.

Charlie

We've squandered them all.

Hey, who's on the line?

Mac

Is that us?

Charlie

That sounded like us!

Mac

Uh, Mac from South Philly!

Alright, Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston & Steve.

Dee

Holy shit, he got on.

Mac

Holy shit, I got on!

Please don't curse. Alright, here is the question: what Philadelphia Flyer holds the franchise record for goals in a season? You have 30 seconds, go!

Mac

[to Charlie] Okay, this is a hockey question, go!

Charlie

Okay, hockey! Uhhhhhh, where's the "H" key? There's no "H" key-- there's no "H" key!

Mac

What are you talking about?

Charlie

Is there another way to spell "hockey"?

Mac

Dude--

Charlie

There's no "H" key on this key-

Mac

It's right there! Why did I put you in charge of this job? Aw, forget this, dude! I got this, I got this--think, Mac, think! Think--I gotta think like that guy that sits on the rock!

Charlie

[puts his fist under his chin] This dude, the one like that?

Mac

Yeah, with the big muscles and he puts his hand on his-

Charlie

He's big and green and he gets angry-- oh, the Hulk! The Incredible Hulk.

Mac

The Hulk doesn't think at all. Shit, I know this...

Dude, you gotta stop cursing!

Mac

You guys can't censor me, I'm a bit of a badass.

[chuckles] Can't censor him-- alright, let's go! Answer the question, come on!

Mac

Agh! I don't know, I don't know it. Damn it! Reggie Leach.

Reggie Leach is the... correct answer!

Charlie

AAAAAA--

They ain't American, I don't want to know them.

I know. I wish they'd all go back to the desert.

Mac

It does seem like they're bonding.

Charlie

It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's a racist conversation.

Mac

Mom was a manager of Jiffy Lube for many years.

I never heard about this.

Mac

Well, she doesn't like to brag. She started her way at the bottom and worked her way to the tippidy top.

Charlie

There's only three people at Jiffy Lube so it's not exactly a high climb.

Dennis

It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.

Charlie

And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.

Dee

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Mac

I feel like you say that all the time now.

Frank

You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.

Charlie

Wait a second, you definitely said that before.

Mac

Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.

Mac

I browned out that evening.

Frank

Browned out? What's browned out?

Mac

It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.

Dennis

You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.

Charlie

He eats theater people.

Dennis

No, he doesn't.

Mac

I think he might.

Frank

He does.

Dennis

Do you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is?

Mac

He might not.

Frank

He doesn't.

Charlie

I don't.

Mac

That's when Dee came in. Oh, hey, Dee.

[prolonged squawking]

Mac

Look, I do not give a shit about your problems, Dee, okay? I'm still pumped up from that ass-whooping I just handed out. Did you see that?

[squawking continues]

Mac

I don't give a shit, Dee, okay? I don't know how you're going to get all that milk off of you.

[squawks]

Mac

What is that supposed to mean?

[squawking]

Mac

Okay, you know what, shoo. Shoo. Get out of here.

Mac

A lot of great actors have done blackface.

Dennis

There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.