Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?
MacHey Charlie.
No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?
Mac
No. No.
No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.
What are you talking about? Will you shut up?
Mac
You don't have to smoke Charlie.
You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]
That's what you get Charlie.
Hey get the hell out of here.
Mac
Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.
You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!
Mac
Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.
(Frank has just been informed by his ex-wife Barbara that he is not Dennis and Sweet Dee's father.)
MSMac's Dad
Let me get this straight...you come to me empty handed, and now you want my help?
Mac
I know we let you down, but I promise to you, if you help us out with a certain situation, we will come back to you with our butts filled.
Oh, so filled! So filled for you!
TETanning Employee
You want to put your baby into the tanning bed?
Mac
We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes or so.
Just to get nice base roasting, golden brown or real tan
Mac
[exaggerated] Just to get a base.
Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.
Mac
Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.
Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.
Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.
Mac
You're tripping?
Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.
Mac
Oh, Jesus.
Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?
Yeah, we're going to be famous.
Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.
Mac
Yeah, just go over there.
Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.
Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.
Mac
Frank, What the hell are you doing?
He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?
What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)
I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!
I think he took a dump in there.
Mac
Can you give us a second, please?
Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.
All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?
(Frank whips his gun out)
Mac
Great. Walk me through the plan again.
The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.
Mac
That's a great plan.
CCharlie (as Green Man)
Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?
Where? Where? I don't like lizards!
Mac
We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!
(Frank cocks the gun and points it at Mac and Dennis)
Mac
Dee, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I know what you're trying to do. You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team--
Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.
When she jumps up on the stage we'll blast her with the water, the crowd will go crazy, the other girls are gonna wanna join in, and we will save the bar and then she'll break up with Charlie ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.
Mac
I agree with the first part but the second part seems incredibly harsh.
It's the best goddamn part.
Mac
You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!
Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?
Mac
Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!
Mac
You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!
Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!
Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--
Mac
Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!
What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?
Dude, you hosed yourself down!
Mac
You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!
C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?
Mac
I don't care!
Mac
Yeah!
Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!
I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Mac
Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
How are you going to be wood?
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
