Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
MacOh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Smooth. I would be a bear.
No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.
I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac
Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power-bottoms.
Mac
A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Mac
Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?
(notices that Corporate Guy has left)
Mac
Goddammit!
(Cut to the front of the bookstore. Frank and his gang buddies are playing jacks while Mac looks on in bewilderment and disgust.)
Mac (sarcastic): This is very intimidating, Frank.
Don't worry, we're sending out an strong message, Mac, don't you worry. (A man and his kids walk by.)
MMan
Hey, look, kids, it's a 50's doo-wop group.
Mac (does a double take): What?! No, we're not a 50's doo-wop group!
MMan
Hey, listen, would you sing us a song?
Mac (annoyed): We don't sing, guy!
Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing, we'll sing for you. Right, boys?
Mac (dumbfounded): You guys sing?!
Of course, we sing! We're a gang!
Mac
No, no, no, no, gangsters don't sing!
What're you talking about? You ever hear of gangster rap?
Mac
we're not gonna intimidate anybody if we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood!
Listen to this: (They break out into song.)
(Cut to the front of the bookstore. Frank and his gang buddies are playing jacks while Mac looks on in bewilderment and disgust.)
Mac (sarcastic): This is very intimidating, Frank.
Don't worry, we're sending out an strong message, Mac, don't you worry. (A man and his kids walk by.)
MMan
Hey, look, kids, it's a 50's doo-wop group.
Mac (does a double take): What?! No, we're not a 50's doo-wop group!
MMan
Hey, listen, would you sing us a song?
Mac (annoyed): We don't sing, guy!
Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing, we'll sing for you. Right, boys?
Mac (dumbfounded): You guys sing?!
Of course, we sing! We're a gang!
Mac
No, no, no, no, gangsters don't sing!
What're you talking about? You ever hear of gangster rap?
Mac
we're not gonna intimidate anybody if we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood!
Listen to this: (Frank blows a pitch pipe, and they break out into song.)
Bum-bum-bum....
Those darn Yellow Jacket Boys,
Buzz-Buzz-Bumble,
They don't pay for soda pop,
Cause they really rumble
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, Oooh, ooo-ooo...
(As they sing (with Frank adding buzzing noises and "stings" in the background), it slowly dawns on Mac that he's hitched his cart to the wrong star...again. One of the children puts money in the still-full cup of coffee he was drinking out of. He's had it.)
Mac
Goddammit! (He walks away.) Goddammit!
[In a retirement home]
Mac
These places are like prison...
Like people getting their ass raped?
What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!
Mac
No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Because they're getting their ass raped!
Mac
The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!
Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?
Mac
And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.
Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.
Mac
Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands
Yeah! And then there's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit and Kurt Russell fights him.
(The gang is watching the video of the burning factory. Dee's screams can be heard from the TV. Dee herself comes into the room, smudged and pissed.)
Dee (furious): I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!
Well, somebody had to do it!
Mac
Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!
Mac
Just barely!
Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)
Well, I do look kinda heroic--
Mac
What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!
Charlie (mimicking Dee): I was on fire!
Frank (annoyed): We gotta shoot this shit again!
Charlie (dismissively): Yeah, like fire hurts...
People love well stories!
I don't know. That well thing seems a little played-out. I mean, who gets stuck in a well anymore?
Mac
Kittens do!
Kittens? You put those kitties down there?
Mac
Well...
Dee (annoyed): Oh, man, okay, I'll do it! Just don't set it on fire, okay? I think this is dangerous enough!
Deandra, use your head! How are we gonna set a well on fire?
Mac
It's filled with water. Save the kittens!
I'm going! (She gets into the well)
Mac
Save the day! (Frank and Mac start to walk away.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Gimme the matches.
Mac (handing Frank the matchbox): Yep...
(Cut to the video of the rescue. Frank walks slowly to the well.)
OK, all right, I'm ready to rock.
Mac
And who are you supposed to be?
Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Mac
Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?
No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Mac
Whatever, let's just rock.
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
All right, where's my curtain?
Mac
Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
I want a curtain blocking my face.
Mac
You don't need one.
[to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
[singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man. (At first, Mac and Frank appear to be cool with Charlie's lyrics, but when he starts in with the second part, they both stop playing and look at Charlie as if to say, "What the hell is this shit?")
Mac
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
Mac
But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
Mac
We need a new front man...
Well, I just broke up with Kevin!
Mac
Dee, we're trying to practice!
I can't do it! I can't get it out of my head! I don't know if he's retarded or not, but I can't stop thinking about it!
Dee, we're trying to have band practice here!
I mean, I was gonna ride this guy to the top, you know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos!
Look, the guy's not retarded, okay?
(beat)
Yeah, I was just saying that to mess with you.
Why? Why would you do something like that?
It's not funny! It's not funny at all! This guy's perfect for me, and you've gone and blown it! You've ruined everything! You are a bad, bad person.
(points at Dennis' jumpsuit)
Mac
So, that guy's not retarded?
Oh no, he's totally retarded.
How did you guys get a hotel room without puttin' a credit card down?
Mac
We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)
Frank (sitting up): Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?
Mac
Yeah.
Frank (panicked): You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?
Mac
Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)
We gotta put this stuff back together again!
Mac
What?
Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!
Glue is for huffing, dude!
Mac
It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!
THIS IS NOT ROCK AND ROLL!
Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
Mac
What? No!
Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Mac
Let who out?
The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac
I'm not a serial killer!
Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac
I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
(beat)
Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!
Mac
No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Mac (panicked): That doesn't sound good!
No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
Mac
--I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie (leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Mac
Charlie.
Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS! (begins to scream)
Dennis is a prostitute now.
Mac
Good.
No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Mac
To dudes?
No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac
Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
