We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
MacWell, I don't know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn't that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we'd get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Mac
That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick's car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac
You abused alcohol, and that's OK, that's OK, but it's very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
No, I don't like where this is headed.
We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac
You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah...mm...Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac
No way!
[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.
Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac
No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac
Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
FFrenkel
Israel. It just got to be too dangerous. I mean, you know with everything that's happening.
Well, that's a tough situation you got over there.
Oh yeah, you got that whole tsunami and the...
Mac
No, not that...
Well, the superdome thing.
Mac
No, there's no superdome...
Well it's one of those places over there.
Mac
It's a different country, Charlie so why don't...
Well I'm just trying to help the guy out.
Mac
Why don't you just shut up!
[Dennis has TP'd Frenkel's house]
Mac
This isn't gonna do shit!
What do you mean this isn't gonna do shit?
Mac
There needs to be a next step, or something-
Hey! Do you know how hard it is to get toilet paper off of a building, especially when it rains? This Jew's in for a ton of work—
Mac
Come on, man! You can't say things like that!
I don't know what I said. What'd I say?
You dropped a hard "J" on us.
Mac
Yeah. Yeah.
Mac
Shhh! You can say it, but it has to be like, in context-
You guys—you guys said I could say Jew.
You can, but in the right context, man.
Mac
It's gotta be in the right context.
Well, what's the right context?
Mac
Person of the Jewish faith in a group of other people from the Jewish faith.
"This guy's got a ton of work to do! I think it's okay that he's Jewish."
But that's not what I'm saying—
Mac
That's not what he's saying. Now, hold on a second, this is...if—
You guys don't know what the hell you're talking about.
"This man is in for a ton of work! He's Jewish."
Mac
We know—we know what we're talking about.
Yeah, we know what we're talking about.
Mac
No worries about that.
Mac
All right, kids, how you feeling?
Mac
Good? Doesn't sound good. Are you drinking the Red Bull? Come on, chug 'em down!
DPDucks' Player
I feel sick.
Mac
That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach. That's a good thing, trust me.
Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Mac
That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Why would you do this to us, dad?
Because you're crackheads, children.
Mac
Charlie look, I normally wouldn't come to you with this sort of thing because you're incredibly unreliable... but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly connected to this. Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Mac
Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it...
I think you should do it!
Mac
What?
Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Mac
Right!
And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac
Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis and Dee's Mom...
Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac
That doesn't make any sense...
It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac
You're right! I'm gonna do it!
LLady
Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?
Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them fight the terrorists.
LLady
You're very handsome.
This is going very, very well man.
I know people are really responding to me.
They love the bone structure.
Mac
[walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.
What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.
Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.
Mac
Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?
"What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.
You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.
Mac
All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.
Mac
Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.
Mac
Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.
WWoman
You know, I'd rather not.
Mac
[stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.
WWoman
You know what? Please leave me alone.
Mac
OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.
Mac
Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]
This is campaign suicide, dude...
Ok,ok, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
That's why we call it Charlie Work.
No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]
You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.
What is he talking about?
You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.
Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.
Mac
Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.
Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.
Mac
Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.
If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
I work in this bar. I work here.
But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.
Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.
Mac
Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.
Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.
You're practically a Vietcong.
Is that right? Ok. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.
We're gonna go America all over their asses!
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
