Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

[After finding out he was hallucinating about Sinbad and Rob Thomas] Ah, I should see a doctor I'm really messed up.

[Hallucination form] Psst! No your not, bitch!

Dennis

You know what I'm concerned about? I don't want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that Jesus on the cross look.

Sweet Dee

I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core.

Dennis

Oh absolutely. Jesus had like the best abs. He had the right idea. He knew no pain no gain.

Dennis

Ha! "Spin class," come on! Bunch of hamsters on a wheel.

Dee

Yeah, I'm gonna ride a bike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast, and oh yeah, I'm not gonna go anywhere.

Dennis

Yeah, and then when I walk out, I'm gonna put a bunch of metal onto a metal bar, and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.

Dee

You know, I gotta be honest with you. I feel like these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rate's up, things are going great.

Dennis

Absolutely, I feel good too. Look at how vascular I am! Look at how my veins are popping! I look good and I feel good!

Dee

I feel good too, apart from the recent bouts of explosive diarrhea.

Dennis

Oh? You've been having diarrhea?

Dee

Oh God, all over the place.

Dennis

Really? Well, you know what that is? That's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.

Dee

You think so?

Dennis

I do think so. I, on the other hand, have not taken a shit in days.

Charlie

What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?

Dennis

Hmmmmmmmmm...tacos.

Charlie

Tacos, buddy!

Mac

Charlie, can I bring something up?

Charlie

Yes.

Mac

Um, I think we have to be very careful about how we do the rape scene.

Charlie

W--what on God's green earth are you talking about? There's no rape scene.

Mac

...Well, sure. I pay the troll toll and then I rape Dennis. Classy--

Dennis

Tasteful!

Charlie

No, you don't rape him, you become him! You do not rape him.

Frank

He doesn't?

Charlie

No! [sighs] Look, let me just walk you guys through this, okay? Here's what happens: once you've paid the toll, I want you to come over to Dennis over by his bed here, okay?

Dennis

I'll be- I'll be lying back-

Mac

You want me to cross the stage?

Charlie

Yes.

Mac

Alright, this is a great opportunity to showcase some skills, just put on a clinic--

Charlie

I--I'd rather you didn't? I'd rather you didn't.

Mac

Well, I think the people are gonna want to see that... and then, I hop up like a cat. [jumps up] Like so. Meow.

Charlie

Oh, Jesus Christ, let's leave it at that. Okay, once he gets near you, you have to sense him, okay? Suddenly, you sense him.

Mac

What if I were to position him in a way where I get behind him, and then Frank could throw that blanket that he's got right there over us? And then that way you can't see the penetration.

Dennis

That's a good idea. You know what, Charlie? Because the blanket will make the raping--I'm sorry, the, uh...sexing from behind feel more classy.

Mac

That's good. And then what I could do is thrust this way, and you can struggle.

Dennis

No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, OK, absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear anything.....

Mac

In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.

Dennis

Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.

Charlie

Right, why get weird?

Charlie

All right, you're getting hung up on "can't", and I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.

Dennis

No, but it's not illegal.

Charlie

Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!

Dennis

I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro. It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.

Charlie

You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird law in this country--it's not governed by reason.

Dennis

There's no such thing as "bird law".

Charlie

Yes, there is.

Dennis

You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.

Charlie

Hummingbirds...hummingbirds are illegal tender!

Dennis

I'm going to get one.

Charlie

You cannot.

Dennis

To spite you, I'm going to get one.

Mac

Where are we with gulls?

Charlie

You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.

Charlie

I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!

Dennis

What guy?

Charlie

That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.

Mac

You want him to bang you?

Charlie

Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened

Charlie

. Take a look at this picture. What do you see?

Mac

I see two trannies shooting at each other.

Charlie

No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.

Dennis

How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?

Charlie

[slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...

Charlie

[giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.

Charlie

Nice tape job but, I noticed you stopped at the grill.

Dennis

Ran out of tape but, I measured the opening of the door and it's shorter than the height of the grill.

Mac

Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?

Charlie

Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.

Dennis

What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?

Frank

I want to bang your Aunt Donna.

Dennis

Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?

Frank

Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.

Mac

Jesus Christ!

Charlie

But if I'm being honest my problem is less with the fact he is drinking and more that he is doing it without me. And then I start thinking, what's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?

Dennis

Oh, no, no. Don't do that to yourself. You're plenty of fun to drink with. Trust me Charlie, you really get drunk and then you get reckless. Its a lot of fun.

You know I do offer group therapy.

Charlie

Yeah, okay.

Dee

What is this? What are you doing?

Dennis

What? What is that?

With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.

Dee

Yeah.

Dennis

Oh. you put wine in the soda can?

Dee

You didn't know did you?

Dennis

That is good.

Charlie

Ahh, you stole Frank's idea.

Dee

Yeah yeah yeah. Its actually is a pretty good idea.

Charlie

Well its a good idea. I mean the guy has great ideas.

Dee

He is a smart man, that is not what we're here about.

Charlie

Well I guess my letter would be about how Frank and I aren't really making memories together anymore. And you know how when we don't make memories together that's a hurtful thing for me.

Dennis

Okay. Uhh, you know let's just dive right in I'm not even going to try and suss out where you're going with that one.

Charlie

Right. Um, number one, when was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?

Dennis

Oh, uh, okay. Wha-what is that?

Charlie

Well, its not about you... why don't you just right it down and then... ?

Dennis

Yeah, but you said it... you said Night Crawlers. Now... now I feel like I can't... move past it. I gotta know what that is.

Charlie

It... its no big deal, you know. If I were you I'd just write it down cause its not really a big deal.

Dennis

What is it?

Charlie

Its... what it sounds like.

Dennis

What it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms at night. That's what it sounds like.

Charlie

This is not about you.