Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

Alright, well just let me do the talking.

Charlie

Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell]

Dennis

No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise."

Charlie

But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.

Dennis

Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats...

Charlie

Yes, we do! She's gonna...

Dennis

Hello ma'am. Well, uh, what a lovely house dress.

Charlie

Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good!

Dennis

Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today.

Charlie

Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want.

Dennis

Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service...

Charlie

Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us.

Dennis

Please let me do the talking. Please.

Charlie

Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what?

Charlie

Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!

Dennis

Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.

Mac

Why's he talking like that?

Dennis

Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.

Charlie

Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!

Dennis

Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

Mac

Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.

Charlie

Ah, the generator!

Mac

No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.

Charlie

Alright.

Mac

It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.

Go go go...

Charlie

Okay okay...

Charlie

I'm gonna go pick up some diguises.

Dennis

Why?

Charlie

So people don't know who we are.

Dennis

People already don't know who we are!

Charlie

Later dudes. S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.

Mac

Why would he not wear a C?

Dennis

I don't even know what he's talking about half the time, bro.

Dennis

Is this supposed to be dirt? it smells like shit!

Frank

It is shit! Its a barnyard!

Dennis

Frank, nobody is gonna step in shit!

Dennis

Seriously Rex? You're just gonna step right in there?

I wanna win bro, billboard.

Charlie

Just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies.

Dennis

Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?

Charlie

I... diiiid... noooot.

Frank

This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.

Dennis

It's the safest way, Frank.

Frank

Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

Frank

I can't believe they're dead.

Dennis

I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.

Dee

What, are you crazy? They're not dead! They're definitely doing something stupid, but they're not dead.

Dennis

You saw the tape, Dee! My best friends went out in a blaze of glory, and they didn't even ask me to be part of it! This is terrible!

Dee

Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!

Frank

What are you talking about? That's their last will and testament, that is not demands!

Dee

It says at the top, "list of demands"!

Frank

Well, whatever. It's their wishes, and we have to honor them.

Dee

Oh, we do? We have to honor them? Okay, let's see, Frank. Charlie's number one: "My ashes are to be made into a tea and to be drinken by every-wan in bar."

Frank

Done!

Dennis

Ugh. Damn it. Gross. Fine, what else?

Dee

Mac's number one: "In lieu of a body - which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable - I would like the duster to be burned, and its ashes buried in an unmarked grave somewhere by the river."

Dennis

Okay, well, that's crazy. I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster.

Dee

Oh yeah, we also both have to name our firstborn child Murphy, because that was RoboCop's name.

Dennis

Goddamn it! Mac is dead, and he's still bossing me around!

Dee

Mac is not dead, Dennis.

Frank

How can you be so cold?

Dee

HE BLEW UP MY CAR!

Dennis

Not burning the duster...

Dee

YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT A COAT?!

Dennis

ABSOLUTELY!

Dennis

Um, okay well, I guess this is probably...is probably gonna be it so we should get started. Um, what to say about Mac. Umm...he certainly was...angry.

Frank

Burn the duster!

Dennis

Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.

Mac

Kaboom!

Dee

Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!

Charlie

Hahahahahaha!

Dennis

No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.

Charlie

Huh?

Dennis

Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.

Mac

How?

Dennis

'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.

Dee

Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?

Dennis

Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.

Dee

That's what I thought.

Charlie

So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?

Frank

Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.

Charlie

And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?

Frank

[Long pause] Yeah.

Charlie

Did I see you bang that thing?

Frank

Nah. I did it.

Dennis

What?

Frank

I did 'em all! I did all the poops!

Mac

Really?

Frank

Yeah, I did every one of them, I even did one while she was wrapping up right here!

Charlie

Why would you do that, dude?!

Frank

Because poop is funny!

Dennis

All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.

Mac

DUDE! Why did you do that?

Charlie

I really don't like this guy!

Yo, punk, wake up!

Dennis

What the hell?!

Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.

[Inhales]

Shut up!

Dennis

Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.

Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?

Dennis

No, no, no.

Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!

Dennis

No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.

Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!