Dennis Reynolds quotes from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dennis

As a matter of fact I'm starting to think think we need to intervene on you for your goddamn illiteracy.

Dee

Yeah, Charlie, you are getting real dumb.

Charlie

Come on, alright, this is what I'm talking about. Illiteracy. You know, what does that word even mean?

Intervention! Intervention!

Charlie

Whoop! Whoop!

You're trapped! You're trapped! You're trapped!

Charlie

Oh my god. That was a terrible experience for me by the way.

Dennis

Of course, nobody likes salting the snail but she gives you no choice.

Dee

She doesn't leave you with any options.

Charlie

Horrible thing. I'm all worked up now. I feel bad I feel like maybe... I should have some more wine in a can.

Charlie

Do wasps make honey?

Dennis

No wasps do not make honey.

Charlie

Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.

Dennis

Hey yo! Hey what's..what...what are you doing there buddy?

Charlie

Argh! I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey, but they keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face and I think I just swallowed one.

Dennis

As I tried to explain before, you can not get honey from a hornet's nest.

Charlie

I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.

Dennis

There is some very basic science out there supporting that.

Charlie

No, no.

Dennis

Trust me, pal. Okay, it's actually a fact. It's not even science.

Dennis

Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm…how about your favorite food, what would that be?

Charlie

Oh, milk-steak.

(simultaneously) Hmm?

Dennis

What?

Charlie

Milk-steak.

Dennis

I'm not putting milk-steak.

Mac

Just put regular steak and then-

Charlie

Don't put regular steak, put milk-steak, she'll know what it is.

Dennis

No she won't know what it is! Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright what's your favorite hobby?

Charlie

Uhh…magnets.

Dennis

Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets?

Mac

Playing with magnets?

Charlie

Just magnets.

Dennis

I'm just gonna put snowboarding. We'll just put snowboarding.

Charlie

I don't really snowboard.

Dennis

What are some of your likes?

Charlie

Uhh…ghouls

Mac

Son of a bitch. What are you talking about?

Charlie

Just funny little green ghouls.

Dennis

W-What like in movies, or in cartoons?

Charlie

Little green ghoul buddies!

Mac

Don't write ghouls!

Dennis

I'm not! I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes?

Charlie

People's knees.

Dennis

Oh come on dude! Come on!

Mac

Bro, you gotta be kid-you know what we'll just make it all up.

Dennis

We'll make the whole thing up.

Mac

We'll doctor the picture.

Dennis

We aren't even going to use you for this.

Charlie

Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.

Charlie

You don't know shit about chicks!!!

Dennis

oh! we don't know shit about chicks?? so guess what bro, the waitress is getting marriage so suck on that!!!.......

Dennis

I hate to tell you this bro, but you do not have the core strength to scale the facade of Citizens Bank, you just don't.

Mac

What?! I work out all the time!

Dennis

Yeah but you only work out your glamour muscles and you know it.

Mac

I work out my core.

Dennis

No you do not work out your core. You're totally arm heavy, you're all bi's and tri's and everything else is just fat and, and ribs.

Mac

Bro I can do way more push ups than you and that's like 16 different muscle groups I think.

Dennis

That is beyond retarded what you're saying right now. I can do way more push ups then you even though I was just hit by a car...

Oh! Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is!

Charlie

And I will toss on Green Man and run around the field and go crazy as Green Man.

No, no, no, no, no.

Mac

Whoomp, there it goes.

Dennis

Can I stop you guys for one second? What you just described, now that just sounds like we are singing about about the lifestyle of an eagle.

Charlie

Yeah.

Mac

Mm-hmm.

Dennis

Well I was under the impression we were presenting ourselves as bird-MEN which, to me, is infinitely cooler than just sort of... being a bird.

Charlie

Look at this, dude. That's just a bucket of chestnuts.

Dennis

Who has-

Mac

What, is he just foraging for his food?

Charlie

I don't know, why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts, bro?!

Dennis

You drew a man's buttocks on a towel!

Mac

Yeah. You get out of the shower in the college dorm, they got the butt, right, people are laughing --

Dennis

Oh, okay, yeah.

Mac

Your buddies are laughing. And then, and then you give 'em one of these. Boom.

Dennis

Oh, that is big.

Mac

That's a big monster dick.

Dennis

That's huge.

Mac

That's the biggest dick you ever seen.

Dennis

Yeah, that's really --

Mac

Right?

Dennis

That's not how you see yourself, though...

Mac

That's funny.

Dennis

That is funny.

Mac

That's funny.

Dennis

Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that.

Mac

But that's just a setup.

Dennis

What is it?

Mac

For this. Ding-ding-ding!

Dennis

Oh, it's a baby dick!

Mac

Yeah. We're gonna sell a million of these.

Dennis

We are gonna sell a million of those, dude.

Mac

We'll do black ones and yellow ones, for the Asians.

Dennis

Yeah, that...

Mac

This is probably more Asian than anything else.

Dennis

Dude, yeah, oh my gosh.

Mac

Maybe a little bit more bush.

Dennis

Well, you know what we should do? We should set up a website for it.

Mac

Already did it.

Dennis

What? You did?

Mac

Dick towel dot com.

Dennis

Oh,do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.

Dee

No, no I'm not gonna peel an apple for you.

Dennis

But Mac always does it for me.

Dee

Why does Mac peel apples for you?

Dennis

He doesn't like for me to eat the apple with the skin on it. He said the skin is loaded with toxins.

Dee

Ok, well good news Mac's not here.

Dennis

I know he's not here and that's why I need you to do it for me please, please.

Dee

Ah! Jesus just eat it with the skin on.

Dennis

[panicking] I do not like it with the skin Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin, I'm not allowed!

Dee

Oh my god alright if you just shut up I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me, give it to me. I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?

Dennis

Heyo!

Mac

Yo, where you been?

Dennis

What do you mean? I was getting the movie.

Mac

Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls. I've been, I've been calling you sort of over and over again.

Dennis

I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.

Mac

Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency.

Dennis

Yeah, I saw that. What was the emergency, Mac?

Mac

Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude. I almost called the police.

Dennis

The police? That's a bit of an overreaction. I was gone for what, an hour?

Mac

Yeah, but I thought we had a deal. You know, you would check in every once in a while and then that way I would know that you were okay.

Dennis

Okay, I'm okay. Uh, I'm sorry, can we watch the movie?

Mac

Yeah, great, sure. The Transporter 2 ?

Dennis

Yeah, I, look, man, I... , I know you wanted to see Predator again but I feel like we've seen that 30 times in the last two months and thought maybe we could mix things up. Video store clerk guy said this movie is awesome, so...

Mac

The video store clerk guy. I feel like you won't stop talking about him.

Dennis

I asked him for a movie recommendation, okay?

Mac

Yeah, you got one.

Dennis

It's really not that big of a deal.

Mac

Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn't even consulted on the decision, okay? And this is a big deal to me, as well. It's also my night. Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1 which means we'll be completely lost... Plus, Jason Statham's physique is nothing like the line-up in Predator.

Dennis

Okay, will you stop? I don't want to have conversations anymore about dudes' physiques and whether they can...

Mac

Dennis, in body mass alone...

Dennis

That's what I was trying to avoid. A conversation about body mass, okay? We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month because we keep watching Predator and all you talk about is Weathers and Jesse "The Body" Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on...

Mac

It's important to pack on mass. You're talking about carbo-loading.

Dennis

I don't want to, I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore.

Mac

No, you'd rather have conversations with video store clerks.

Dennis

You know what, man, if you don't wanna watch the movie with me, that's fine. I will watch it by myself. Goddamn it!

Mac

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where is this coming from?

Dennis

I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said and I do think... maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.

Dennis

Hey, you want a skinless apple, bud?

Charlie

Yuuuuup.