Dee (furious): I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!
CharlieWell, somebody had to do it!
Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!
Charlie
Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)
Well, I do look kinda heroic--
What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!
Charlie (mimicking Dee): I was on fire!
Frank (annoyed): We gotta shoot this shit again!
Charlie (dismissively): Yeah, like fire hurts...
Charlie
OK, all right, I'm ready to rock.
And who are you supposed to be?
Charlie
Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?
Charlie
No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Whatever, let's just rock.
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Charlie
All right, where's my curtain?
Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
Charlie
I want a curtain blocking my face.
[to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
Charlie
All right, ready.
Charlie
[singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man. (At first, Mac and Frank appear to be cool with Charlie's lyrics, but when he starts in with the second part, they both stop playing and look at Charlie as if to say, "What the hell is this shit?")
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
Charlie
It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
Charlie
What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
We need a new front man...
Charlie
[singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
[Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Charlie
Hello, come right in!
Charlie
What happened to your band?
Charlie
[laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?
Hm. What's with the curtains?
Charlie
I'm living in a world of darkness.
Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie
Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]
Why don't we put the curtains back up...
Charlie
No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]
Charlie
[singing] Day...Day Man...Fighter of the...Night Man...Champion of the..
Charlie
You're the master of karate...
And friendship! For everyone.
Charlie
Day Man...
Charlie
Fighter of the Night Man...
CDCharlie and Dennis
[together] Champion of the sun...oooh-ahhhhhh. You're the master of karate and friendship to everyone...
How did you guys get a hotel room without puttin' a credit card down?
We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)
Frank (sitting up): Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?
Frank (panicked): You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?
Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)
We gotta put this stuff back together again!
Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!
Charlie
Glue is for huffing, dude!
It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!
THIS IS NOT ROCK AND ROLL!
Charlie
Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
Charlie
Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Charlie
The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Then why all the shady behavior?
I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie
No, you've been...what?!
(beat)
Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie
Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. A bang-maid.
Charlie
Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!
No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Charlie
Ohhh, dude....
Mac (panicked): That doesn't sound good!
Charlie
No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
--I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie (leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Charlie
Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS! (begins to scream)
Dennis is a prostitute now.
No, I'm not a prostitute, OK?
There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Charlie
To guys or...
No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.
Charlie
Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Charlie
Yes, I did.
Charlie
I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
[to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.
Charlie
Well how 'bout this, first I have to deal with this problem with the mob, you know how that is.
Charlie
So once I'm done with that, I'm coming back for that horse, because I feel like we had a connection.
BBuster
Ohh thats what I like to hear, you and that horse together it's perfect so come on you old son-of-a-gun and hey, while your at it let Buster do a line off your boner!
Charlie
Wwwwwhhhhoooo...[Gets up and walks away]
Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!
Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
CDCharlie & Dee
Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
CDCharlie & Dee
Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.
Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.dd>
Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Charlie
Whoa where'd you get a gun?
Charlie
Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!
[Noises from Charlie, Dee and Frank]
I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie
Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie
Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
