Marshall Eriksen quotes from How I Met Your Mother

[listening in on another phone] Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's, you want anything?

Marshall

Mom, get off the phone!

[from yet another phone] Could you get some more Bugles, please?

Of course, dear.

Marshall

Marcus, hang up! Both of you, HANG UP! And we need ice cream.

My apartment building is so safe. My landlord even installed a security camera in my shower.

Marshall

Oh, honey...

Maybe I should feel weird about giving a stranger my Social Security Number, but the guy's a Nigerian prince!

Marshall

Oh, honey...

I just had a great TV audition... behind the KFC where the executive producer works on the weekend.

Marshall

Oh, honey...

Lily

Marshall, I'm going home.

Marshall

[pauses from game session with Ted, comes to Lily] What?

Lily

I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me.

Marshall

I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me.

Lily

Well, I guess it's been helpful for her for you to be here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day...

Ted

[surprised] You have Super Mario Kart!?

Marshall

Hell, yeah. [points to cartridge. Ted gets it and loads into the SNES]

Lily

...but your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you, it needs you really bad.

Marshall

Baby, don't go.

Lily

[kisses Marshall and leaves] Please come home soon.

Ted

Robin! Hey, remember Scooby? Well, he got out.

Robin

Got out? What do you mean?

Ted

He just walked right out of the apartment. Someone must've left the door open.

Marshall

It wasn't me.

Lily

Me neither. [gasps] He must have figured out how to open it himself!

Ted

He's so smart, we should get him on Letterman doing tricks!

Marshall

I know Paul Schaefer's sandwich guy. This can happen.

Robin

You're too young, it's unfair!

Marshall

We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.

Barney

Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?

Marshall

Yes, yes, of course, anything.

Barney

Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]

Marshall

Where did you get this-

Barney

[winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!

Marshall

[unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]

Barney

[gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!

Ted

Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas. [Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]

Barney

Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong...

Marshall

Um, those places shut down a long time ago.

Barney

Oh no.

Marshall

Oh No shut down too.

Ted

There's Where.

Jerry

Where's Where?

Lily

Where's where Was was, isn't it?

Barney

No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?

Jerry

Okay...

Ted

Not Okay. That place is lame.

Robin

Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?

Marshall

That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.

Barney

Guys, focus.

Robin

Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.

Ted

Where?

Robin

Not Where, Focus.

Lily

I thought Focus was closed.

Barney

No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.

Marshall

So Closed is open.

Robin

No, Closed is closed.

Jerry

I don't know. Third base, right?!

Robin

Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.

Lily

I'll go any place, okay?

Ted

Not Okay. Okay is lame.

Robin

Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.

Lily

Guys, shut up.

Barney

No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.

Marshall

Guys, just pick a club, okay?

Ted

Not Okay!

Okay is Lame! Gay bar!

Marshall

For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.

Barney

It's Hopeless, isn't it?

Barney

Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?

Marshall

Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?

Barney

Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?

Marshall

[infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!

Ted

We should buy a bar.

Barney

We should totally buy a bar!

Marshall

We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!

Robin

Really, the only sensible idea right now.

Marshall

Oh, oh, and ready?

Barney

What?

Marshall

It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!

Ted

Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.

Marshall

Uh, I'll allow it!

Barney

It's the only court where you show up, then get served!

Robin

You're judged by a jury of your beers!

Lily

Hey baby, how'd it go?

Marshall

Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.

Lily

Baby, come here.

Marshall

I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.

And Marshall slept...[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.

Marshall

Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.

Lily

I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ... I'm pregnant.

Marshall

This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant.

[reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret!

Ted

Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball]. A girl from my past. Any guesses?

Lily

Stella.

Barney

Zoey.

Marshall

Karen?

Lily

The girl who beat you up.

Barney

The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!

Marshall

The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?

Ted

You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels.

Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.

Marshall

[overhears instructor almost out of the door] Damn it! [Ted ushers him out]

Marshall

Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die.

Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights.

Marshall

First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop]

Boy or girl?

Marshall

I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why?

'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office?

Marshall

No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself.

Marshall

[seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.

Barney

[looks at Marshall] Boy...do I like babies!

Robin

Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!

Barney

Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.

Lily

AHHHH, I can't go through with this!

Marshall

Thank God, me neither.

Lily

You're too much like my dad.

Marshall

You're too much like my dad!

Lily

Your dad??