[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]
Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Going to movies with his mom.
A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
MarshallPrepared to die a virgin.
Prepared to paint his sister's nails..
Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
You're a tropical depression.
[Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie]
Don't let him tempt you, baby.
Marshall
I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy.
[Marshall and Ted have an epiphany for apparently missing the entire Groovaplooza show]
Marshall
I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know.
I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know.
Marshall
We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night.
What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes!
[Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents]
Marshall
Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.
Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.
Marshall
'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers....as a family.
[Lily is frustrated that her father paid little attention over the phone that she was pregnant]
Marshall
Hey baby, I'm sorry. I want our kid to believe that the universe is magical, you know, like my dad taught me.
You know what my dad taught me? Nothing, 'cause he was never there. [grabs Marshall's Enigmas of the Mystical book and makes a fake reading] June 22nd, 1996. Brooklyn, New York: A man misses his daughter's high-school graduation. Later, she discovers that his babysitting money has been spent on a game called "Who Stole the Babysitting Money?" He never saw the irony in that. December 31st, 2011: A woman calls her father to tell him she's pregnant. He says "Great. Thanks," and hangs up on her.
Marshall
...and after pushing her to call him, "I am a Bigfoot" is discovered in her husband's mouth.
I'm glad you're a believer baby, but I'm never gonna believe in an enigma of the mystical if I don't see it with my own eyes. Truth is, my father never taught me to believe in anything ... but myself.
Marshall
Well, if it helps at all, I believe in you too.
There's a pretty good chance I don't exist.
[Marshall has become fed up with Lily's father pushing them around in their own house]
Marshall
That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
MAMickey Aldrin
Well, I'm just trying to help-
Marshall
We don't need your help!!!
[In 2003, Ted comforts Marshall about making it into law school, but in 2006...]
...and look what happened. You got into law school just like I said you would. See? Things aren't so bad.
Marshall
[cries] Lily left me...and now I'll never have a mustache!!!
[Barney takes offense at Ted's prediction of him in 2015]
Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?
Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.
No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.
Marshall
We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.
I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.
[Marshall and Barney work the AC casinos]
Marshall
Hope Lily's okay.
Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.
Marshall
Motion denied.
Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I...will wear this. [shows Ducky Tie]
Marshall
The...the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away.
[Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered]
Marshall
In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -
I can't wait. What is the name?
Marshall
The name is Wait For It.
[screams while pushing] AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!
[Barney has shown Ted a diamond ring]
You unjinxed me! I'm free!! If the bison on the nickel could heard you talk about them, they would diminish their population even further on purpose. If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number. And I'm sorry you took all the rap for the farting on the car ride up here, that was me. [sighs]
The ring, what's the ring?
Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.
Ted and Barney: Are you serious?
Jinx! Good, I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say I'm crazy, or that I'm overcorrecting, or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. Look, I've banged my way through every bimbo in the Tri-State Area and it left me feeling nothing but...but broken. But now with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night, on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. [cuts off Ted] You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you follow these two rules: one: you can't try to talk me out of it, and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed? [sees Ted assent] It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle Ball bat. Thank you, Ted. [Marshall and Lily enter the car] Hi, guys!
Marshall
No, but you're jinxed!
I tricked Ted into saying my name.
Barney, Marshall and Lily: Aw, come on, Ted!
Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha! The reign of terror is back! [Evil laugh] Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke or fart in here, just speak up. Nothing? Great. Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.
[Lily and Marshall tell Ted and Robin their plans for a night out]
My dad just gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever. Our first night away since Marvin was born.
Marshall
Twenty-four hours straight without that little bastard.
Oh, this will be a nice memory to share with Marvin when he's older and deciding whether or not to put you in a home.
[Arthur Hobbs has had enough of the couples' squabbling over Barney and Quinn's pre-nups]
AHArthur Hobbs
Enough, ENOOUGH! [couples stop] You all have someone who loves you and you're screwing it up over what, who has the most power? That's not love. Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you - and you know what? That's what we're gonna do. [to Marshall] You, start!
Marshall
[to Lily] When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you. You're an amazing mom, and I will look up to that.
I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me, but I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.
HHobbs
[to Ted and Victoria] You, next!
Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.
I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty of how happy I am with you.
HHobbs
[to Robin and Nick] Next!
NNick
I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same way about me.
I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.
NNick
Oh... That's cool. [leaves with her]
HHobbs
Look at that, no legal documents needed, just honesty and vulnerability. That's love! You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough. Now I wish I could say it everyday - hell, I don't care if its crazy, I'm doing it. [calls ex-wife] Hello Darlene? Put Tugboat on the line. Hey buddy! Hey it's the man! [leaves conference room]
FTFuture Ted
And for a moment, all felt right with the world, but that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.
[Barney, Ted, and Robin bicker over the results of Who Wants to be a Godparent?]
Marshall
Guys, guys, guys, okay alright!! Obviously, none of you knows what it means to be a parent.
[scoffs] Obviously, neither of you two know what it means to be a friend anymore.
Marshall
[offended] What are you talking about?
Think about it. This is the most we've seen of you two in, five months.
You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.
Marshall
Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.
Yeah, the days of closing down MacLaren's are over ... unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning to a screaming baby.
So, that's it, the end of an era, just like that?
Marshall
Look, we're sorry if we don't have enough time to sit down at the bar listening to silly little dating problems. When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing. When are you guys gonna get that?
Think we get it. [leaves with Barney and Robin]
[Marshall explains why the Force Majeurs recruited Nick as a ringer]
Marshall
If Joel uses ringers, so can we, and Nick is our best player, so as far as I am concerned, he can both keep your groins on ice.
"Groins On Ice"... Least popular Madison Square Garden holiday show ever.
Why are you so into this basketball league?
Marshall
Robin, its the Little Ivies Professionals Over 30 Who Work In Midtown League. It's The Show!
You know, it's kinda funny imagining people icing their groins. First it would get a little cold... then the ice would start to melt... things will get all wet, and steamy...
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
