Marshall Eriksen quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Lily

Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?

Marshall

Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.

Robin

What?!?

Ted

Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.

Lily

I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!

Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.

Barney

I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.

Marshall

All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?

Better.

Marshall

Good!

Ted

How'd you know I was going to be up here?

Marshall

Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.

Ted

But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.

Marshall

I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.

Ted

Thanks for sticking out to me, man.

Marshall

That's what I'd do.

Ted

Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?

Marshall

Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]

And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...(the holes in the wall are fixed and bits and pieces of furniture appear, ending with the Son and Daughter sitting on a couch)...is this house.

Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!

Marshall

His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!

Barney

[opens door] You guys bangin'?

Whaaaaaa!

Barney

Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.

Ted

[enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]

Robin

This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

Lily

You know what, Marshall, why don't you have a baby with your Dad?

Marshall

Oh okay, Lily. Why don't you have a baby with your butt?

Lily

What?

Marshall

AAARGH! [stands up] I can't think straight! Why do you have to wear that shirt? [referring to Lily's shirt showing much cleavage] This is NOT HOW I THOUGHT THIS NIGHT WAS GOING TO GO!

Lily

Don't worry, we'll just help Barney snap him out of this one.

Marshall

Or we could just let him have this one.

Lily

Are you kidding?

Marshall

Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home, he finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad, and he watched James meet his real father, it's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. Can't we just let the guy be black for a day?

Lily

But designing a building in New York City is your lifelong dream.

Ted

I do not want to work for GNB again. Those guys are evil. No offense, Marshall.

Marshall

Dude, None taken. Yes, GNB is the Empire from Star Wars, but the Death Star is gonna get built either way, and don't you think the architect of the Death Star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume. I mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that he let a single bullet fire into a particular vent that would explode the whole thing...

Ted

For all we know, that was the contractor's fault.

Marshall

... But that won't happen on your watch, 'cause you're Ted Mosby, and you're gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, Rebel-proof building in Manhattan...with clearly-marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.

Ted

I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.

Lily

No, you're not a New Yorker until you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks

Marshall

No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hand.

And Robin would do all three of these before the day was out.

Ugh, he thinks I like this [Marshall looks at Virtual Lily] and it feels disgusting.

Uh, it looks disgusting.

Marshall

[to Lily] Is this working for you?

[mocks Marshall] Is this working for you?

Of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like Lennie from Of Mice and Men?

Oh, you're bad!

More Cosmos? [share toast]

Marshall

How come the creepy kid in a horror movie is always a girl? Or twin girls, who speak in unison.

Lily

What about Chucky?

Marshall

A, he was a doll. B, he was possessed by an adult serial killer, and C, how could you bring up Chucky right before bed?

What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks? Here at GNB, We Care.

Barney

[holding a recycling bin] I care about our precious Earth. [puts in spent soft drink can]

[opening the door for an old woman] I care about old people.

I care about high-yield, offshore investments, and so does Tugboat here. Isn't that right, Tugboat? [plays with dog]

Marshall

[at his office, eating salad] Okay, get that camera out of my face before I flip you like a cheese omelet!

Marshall

The Blitz isn't something that can be bought or sold.

Zoey

Yeah, it's not like Ted's integrity.

Ted

Oh, what was that? I was distracted by the four-karat diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you.

Facial!

Ted

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turturkeykey to baste.

Zoey

I'm coming with you.

Ted

No…I baste alone.

Zoey

Oh, I'm sure you're a master baster, Ted.

Ted

Hey guys, Zoey just told me about this great Frank Lloyd Wright retrospective, who's in?

Lily

Sorry, I'm ummmm...I don't know, washing my hair.

Marshall

Running the water.

Robin

Holding the towel.

Barney

I'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited me to the big hair washing party.

Lily

Okay, now you're being ridiculous. An hour ago, you didn't even think there was a problem.

Marshall

I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it - we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. [high-fives Lily] Obviously, I'm the problem.

Barney

Problem? You can't get a girl pregnant -- that's the dream! I'd give my first-born to not be able to have children.

Marshall

You guys don't get it, okay? None of you do. My dad was my hero. And he was my teacher...and he was my best friend. He always came through for me...and now he's just gone. And what am I left with? [holds up his phone with scratchy electronic sounds; looks to sky] Thanks a lot, God. Thank You! You took my father...the greatest man that I have ever known, and You whipped him off this Earth way too young! [to Lily] And he'll never get to meet our kids, Lily. But we got this voicemail. [to the sky] Thank You so much for the voicemail. It's a great comfort! 'Cause whenever I'm starting to feel lonely, or sad or, you know what, maybe a little bit cheated, at least I have the sound of his pocket to console me.

Lily

Marshall...

Marshall

How is this fair? An entire human life, and it just ends for no reason, and what are we left with? [phone cracks in]

Marshall? Looks like I've been calling you for almost five minutes. How's my pocket sound? [laughs] Oh, sorry about that, buddy. Anyway, your mom and I had such a great time seeing you. I love you. [hangs up]