Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Lily

Why are you in our bed?

Barney

I took the Drunk Train. I got stuck out here, oh God I'm so hung over...[excited at Lily's cleavage] Oh God, Lily, not wearing a bra!!!

Barney

Bummer. Anyway, let's make our own bets about this sex tape. I've got Marshall with a surprise piercing at 5-1 odds, Lily with a landing strip at 10-1, Marshall with a landing strip, even money.

Ted

I don't believe this. You were in love with Robin, you find out she's single, and all you've got to say is "Bummer"?

Barney

What do you want me to say Ted? Whatever I thought was there, she thought differently. So, no, I don't care if Robin is single again.

Ted

So if Robin started dating someone else, you wouldn't mind?

Barney

Nope.

Ted

Even if that somebody else was me?

Barney

Did I deserve this? Absolutely. I've told some outrageous lies. I have told women that I was famous, a war hero, that sex with me would cure their nearsightedness...

Barney?

Barney

I probably deserve everything you did to me and more, but I have been trying and trying hard to be a better person. Thanks for showing me I had it right before. [leaves Lusty Leopard]

Barney

And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.

Robin

Barney!

Barney

The two ladies will kiss!

Robin

Uh, Lily.

Lily

Sorry.

Barney

And now the gentlemen...

Ted

DUDE!

Barney

And now the gentlemen! [Marshall and Ted kiss] I was going to say "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Barney

Wa-wa-wait a minute. Who's Melanie?

Ted

Come on, if there's one thing I can count on not changing, it's you walking with some random girl under your arm.

Barney

No. No, I don't want that. For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has. I want to be with Quinn. [heads for the door] Guys, you're gonna see a lot more of Quinn.

Marshall

We've been to the Lusty Leopard, we've seen plenty.

Barney

I kinda walked into that one. Alright, byebye.

Barney

Because...I'm dating a stripper.

Ted'

Yeah, I've seen the bus ad. I get it.

Barney

No you don't. Every night, between 9pm and 4am, I'm in Hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing, and where she is doing it, and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you could just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.

Ted'

Wow, you're in love with this girl -

Barney

I really am, Ted. I mean...she's a stripper.

Marshall

Hope Lily's okay.

Barney

Okay, that's it bro, we're turning off our phones for one hour.

Marshall

Motion denied.

Barney

Okay, you leave me no choice. Proposal, you give me one hour of phone-free bro time during which we - and by "we" I mean you - get magnificently, mythologically drunk, I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk. If you can give me that, I...will wear this. [shows Ducky Tie]

Marshall

The...the Ducky Tie. I thought you threw it away.

Barney

I did...it came back.

Barney

Sir, this man is having a baby tonight. Instead of going to St Marcus Hospital, we're going to Buffalo - and I've seen women from there, the city's aptly named. Look, I'm a screw-up; I'm having something special with this girl Quinn and I ruined it. But this guy [gestures to Marshall], he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoting since he was 18 years old. There are a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them. He deserves to be at the birth of his son. So what do you say?

Unless it's an emergency, I'm not allowed to stop so sit down, watch Cocoon 2, and shut up!

Barney

It's mine. Did you have to replace the luggage too?

Quinn

By the time we land again you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.

[sees box in bag] What's that?

Quinn

Yeah, what is that?

Barney

It's a magic box. You see, I'm something of a magician.

Open the box, sir.

Barney

[laughs] I can't do that. [K9 barks]

Sir, are there drugs in that box?

Barney

Oh no, he's probably barking because of the explosives. [officers draw firearms]

Quinn

Oh my God.

Tell us what's in the box right now!

Barney

I can't. Magician's Code.

Ted

Oh my God, Barney -

Barney

You unjinxed me! I'm free!! If the bison on the nickel could heard you talk about them, they would diminish their population even further on purpose. If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number. And I'm sorry you took all the rap for the farting on the car ride up here, that was me. [sighs]

Ted

The ring, what's the ring?

Barney

Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.

Barney

Jinx! Good, I need to say some things without you interrupting. Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk, you'd say I'm crazy, or that I'm overcorrecting, or that I'm moving too fast. But you would be wrong. Look, I've banged my way through every bimbo in the Tri-State Area and it left me feeling nothing but...but broken. But now with Patrice, for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy. I want to feel this way forever. So tomorrow night, on the roof of the World Wide News building - that's Patrice's favorite spot - I'm gonna ask her to marry me. [cuts off Ted] You're jinxed. I'll unjinx you if you follow these two rules: one: you can't try to talk me out of it, and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed? [sees Ted assent] It's a jinx swear, so if you break it, I get to hit you in the nuts three times with a Wiffle Ball bat. Thank you, Ted. [Marshall and Lily enter the car] Hi, guys!

Marshall

No, but you're jinxed!

Barney

I tricked Ted into saying my name.

Barney

Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha! The reign of terror is back! [Evil laugh] Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke or fart in here, just speak up. Nothing? Great. Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.

Robin

[enraged but almost in tears] Seriously, Barney? Even you, even someone as CERTIFIABLY INSANE as you must realize that this is too far! You lied to me, manipulated me for weeks - do you really think I could ever kiss you after that? Do you really think I could ever trust you after that? [refers to Playbook page] This, this is proof of why we don't work, why we'll never work, so thank you. You've set me free because how could I be with a man who thinks that this trick, this enormous lie could ever make me want to date him again?

Barney

Turn it over. [Robin flips page to read Step 16: Hope she says yes. Barney presents ring] Robin Scherbatsky, will you marry me?

Robin

Yes.

Quinn

I have to pay 2,000 dollars every time I gain a pound?!

Barney

Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.

Barney

Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, [shoots T-shirt roll at Ted] I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again! [continues shooting rolls; one hits woman] Sorry about your eye, I'm available!

Ted

[reads shirt message] Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal.

Robin

Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal.

Barney

Robin, I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening. [puts cap on Robin's head]

Marshall

Guys, guys, guys, okay alright!! Obviously, none of you knows what it means to be a parent.

Barney

[scoffs] Obviously, neither of you two know what it means to be a friend anymore.

Marshall

[offended] What are you talking about?

Ted

Think about it. This is the most we've seen of you two in, five months.

Robin

You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.

Marshall

Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.

Lily

Yeah, the days of closing down MacLaren's are over ... unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning to a screaming baby.

Ted

So, that's it, the end of an era, just like that?

Marshall

Look, we're sorry if we don't have enough time to sit down at the bar listening to silly little dating problems. When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing. When are you guys gonna get that?

Ted

Think we get it. [leaves with Barney and Robin]

Barney

She can't go home with you, Nick.

Robin

Barney!

Why not?

Barney

Because Robin and I are in love.

Robin

Barney, what are you doing here?

Barney

Taking care of something you clearly can't do on your own. [to Nick] I'm sorry but you and Robin are done.

What? Robin, what is this?

Robin

Barney, look I know what you're doing, ok? Please stop.

Barney

Robin doesn't want to hurt your feelings because you're a nice guy, but she thinks you're stupid and she hates you. [To Robin] You're welcome.

Robin

Stop doing this!

Barney

I love her, Nick!

Robin

[stands up] But, he doesn't love me. He's just saying this because he's -

Barney

I love everything about her, and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to - and there have been times that I wanted to. [Robin looks at him] It has been... overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.