[On the telephone, impersonating Burkhalter] Hello! Klink?! You idiot, what are you doing in town? I am here, at your office, waiting for you! Are you arguing with me, Klink?! Now, listen, I want you back here right away! I am counting! One! Two! Three! [Klink hangs up] I think he'll break some records getting back to camp.
S3 E7How To Win Friends and Influence Nazis
Whose side are you on?
KSDr. Karl Svenson
I am not on either side. I am not a politician; I am a scientist. All I want is to end the war.
Good. And we wanna be the ones to end it. Doctor, I can get you out of Germany and over to the Allies in two days.
SDr. Svenson
No. As soon as I finish the formula-
You mean it isn't finished?
SDr. Svenson
Two or three more months' work.
That's good news. More time to swing you over to our side.
SDr. Svenson
I told you; I am not taking sides. You are wasting your time.
I don't mind wasting a little time, Doctor, if I can get you to see my point of view.
[Dr. Svenson laughs, but smiles at Hogan.]
SDr. Svenson
I am going downstairs for a drink. Will you join me?
I'd love to.
S3 E8Nights in Shining Armor
It's unbelievable! The most efficient POW camp in all of Germany, and we have no plumber!
Herr Kommandant, Corporal Schneider was our plumber.
Was?!
Before he was sent to the Russian Front.
Well, what idiot sent him to the Russian Front?! [Schultz looks pointedly at Klink.] Don't tell me what idiot.
I would be better off at the Russian Front.
When you are there, can you find Corporal Schneider?
S3 E9Hot Money
Everything ready, Schultz?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Alles in ordnung.
Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours; that's in a few minutes. Are the prisoners accounted for in the barracks?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! I even got extra guards. The prisoners are sleeping peacefully, like little children. Dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home, and seeing-
Schultz! I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story!
There must be a way. Think for a minute.
Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?
He always comes up with something, doesn't he?
Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!
Just like that, huh?
Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.
If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.
Me?
It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.
Right.
[Carter goes out and closes the barracks door behind him. After a few seconds a guard opens the door and pulls Carter back in.]
Just put it anywhere.
S3 E12A Russian Is Coming
[Hogan and his men are hiding a Soviet Air Force pilot on the run from the Germans]
Whose birthday?
Alexander Graham Bell. Very famous American.
LILieutenant Igor Grigorovitch Piotkin
Never heard of him.
He's the man who invented the telephone.
LPLt. Piotkin
Is not true! Telephone invented by Russian; every schoolchild know this!
American.
LPLt. Piotkin
Russian!
American.
LPLt. Piotkin
Russian!
American!
LPLt. Piotkin
[Pounding a fist on the table] Russian, Russian, Russian!
The Fuehrer said those Russians are cowards; they are always on the run!
The reports I hear, they're running the wrong way, Schultz.
Yes, Colonel Klink speaking. Lieutenant Bergmann, anything new to report? Nothing. No, you can't come here for lunch! Forget about eating; I'm hungry, too!
I wonder how far it is to the Russian Front.
I don't know, but it's getting closer every day.
S3 E13An Evening of Generals
This is a most important and secret meeting.
I understand, General Burkhalter.
I doubt it.
[Jacques Mornay, a Free French operative, has been sent to Stalag 13 to assist Hogan and his men.]
JMJacques Mornay
This is the most efficient organization I have ever seen.
Thank you very much, sir.
JMJacques Mornay
If all the armies were like this, the war would soon be over.
It'd be great for the world, but we'd be out of a swell job.
S3 E14Everybody Loves a Snowman
MCaptain Morgan
Now I know why the Underground didn't tell us where we were going.
The less you know, the less you can talk if you're captured.
CMCpt. Morgan
I knew the Germans were out to take prisoners, but I never knew you fellas were in business for yourselves.
Let's just say we've eliminated the middleman.
Are you here on business, or is this a social call?
I don't pay anybody a "social call"!
What can I do for you, Major Hochstetter?
Are you aware that last Monday night an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Heydrich, knocked the Fuehrer's picture off the wall, and... everything!
No, I was playing cards with Captain Bruennschmier.
It is a great personal loss to me.
It was a great personal loss to me; he took me for fifty Marks!
But the antiaircraft shot down the bomber...
That's good.
But, the crew parachuted to safety...
Ooh, that's bad!
But, we know where they are hiding.
That's good! Where?
Here.
Here? Impossible!
Impossible? We shall see. I am ordering my men to search every inch of this camp.
Sir! I am Kommandant of Stalag 13!
That is exactly why I am ordering the search.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.