Hans Georg Schultz quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Schultz

Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!

Schultz

[reading graffiti] "Hess is a mess." "Himmler is a rat fink." "Göring is a fat rat fink." [starts laughing] "Colonel Klink is bucking for rat fink!"

Schultz

I know nothing! Sometimes I even forget who we are fighting.

Schultz

Give me back my gun, or I'll shoot!

Schultz

(After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform)What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went to far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.

Col. Robert E. Hogan

It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.

Schultz

Aahhh.

Col. Robert E. Hogan

After he steals the tank.

Schultz

Ohh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan

From the Panzer division.

Schultz

Oohhh...

Col. Robert E. Hogan

And brings it here into the barracks.

Schultz

Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!

Schultz

Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.

Schultz

I know how to count.

Col. Robert E. Hogan

So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.

Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.

Schultz

Me, too, Herr Komman…

I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.

Schultz

Boy, are you running the camp!

Klink

You said "aimed at England," yeah?

Hogan

Mm-hmm

Klink

For your information, half of the airfield of Hamburg is missing, destroyed! I must see Major Hauser at once. Maybe he has a better lie than yours. [grabs his hat and storms out of the room]

Hogan

Another day, another rocket.

Schultz

So, England, they made a big hole in Hamburg. [clicks tongue] Naughty naughty.

Hogan

What could I do, Schultz? My aim is terrible when I'm in a hurry. [feeds him a grape]

Klink

Schultz! Where is that radio?

Schultz

They didn't tell me!

Klink

Find it at once!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

[as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?

Hogan

From the accent, I'd say England.

Klink

If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.

Schultz

Oh, I can handle that.

Klink

I know.

Schultz

(In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.

Schultz

You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)

Carter

Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.

Schultz

Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.

Carter

Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.

Schultz

All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.

Klink

You know, it is most gratifying to have the confidence of one's superior officer.

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Too bad that's not the case with you, Schultz.

Schultz

I'm only a humble Sergeant, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Yes... An accident of war.

Klink

Schultz, did you hear that? There's a war on, and yet (Hogan) calls (Stalag 13) a "home".

Schultz

I think he's stir crazy.

Klink

Silence! You will speak only when you're spoken to.

Schultz

You spoke to me, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Next time, don't answer.

Schultz

May I ask you something? Why are we building a boat? What are you up to?

Hogan

You really want to know, Schultz? Well-

Schultz

Please don't tell me. How about Captain Michaels? How are you going to get him out of the camp?

Hogan

(inhales to speak)

Schultz

Please don't tell me. Why am I asking you? Schultz, where is your sense of loyalty? Helping the enemies? Schultz, Schultz! What is happening to you?

Hogan

Ah, c'mon, Schultz. If you're gonna psychoanalyze yourself, go find a couch. We're busy here.

Schultz

How about the Kommandant?

Hogan

(now talking about the officers' club) He gave me his word he wouldn't peek. Wants it to be a surprise.

Schultz

Oh, BOY, is he going to be surprised.