Hogan's Heroes · Season 3
Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]
[Shakes his head] Oh, Schultz, you idiot, you don't salute him, he's your prisoner! And see to it that it stays that way!
[Salutes Klink] Jawohl, mein Kommandant!
And bring Carter back! Diiismissed!
[Klink goes back inside the camp office.]
Colonel Hogan. What are we really going to do?
Well, Schultz-
Tell me nothing!
Why did you keep calling from a beer hall?
Because there was a phone?
Carter, I don't know what I'd do without you. But sometimes I'd like to try.
Hogan. Bit of a dirty trick, flying you to London for an hour of being a free man and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.
Breaks up the day, sir.
[Laughs] You're a good man. [Pulls out a marked map of Europe] Guess what this is.
D-Day, sir?
D-Day. And forget you saw it. [Puts the map away] Now, I can't tell you the exact date. Even to tell you this much had to be cleared to the highest level of intelligence. The Old Man himself. But- the date will be soon.
It's been a long time coming, sir.
A long time. And we don't want any mistakes. Not on our part.
Yes, sir.
Of course, we could use a few mistakes from Jerry, and that's why you're here, Hogan.
Are you in or out?
After all this time, I am to help out with this crazy scheme which has no possibility of realization?
It's up to you.
For laughs. Yes.
Thanks. You'll have a million.
[Major Hochsetter sends a female Gestapo Spy to Stalig 13 to confirm his suspecions about Colonel Hogan; he has one possible lead, Sergeant Schultz, who may have information without knowing it]
[about Schultz] This one looks stupid enough.
Why not? He studied under Klink.
Kommandant Klink says you can have ten minutes with the prisoner.
Ten minutes?! Oh, come on, Schultz. Hardly long enough to eat a chocolate bar.
[Hogan takes out a bar of chocolate.]
Twenty minutes?
Eat slowly. [hands the bar to Schultz]
[Klink and Hochstetter summon Group Captain James Roberts, a recently-captured British officer, to Klink's office. He enters and comes face-to-face with a man identical to himself.]
In Heaven's name.
Group Captain Roberts- Leutnant Baumann.
He could be my twin!
In a way he is! He is!
Fantastic.
They do wonderful plastic surgery! I had this friend in Dusseldorf. A Mrs. Schmidt; charming woman. Slight sag around the chin, but you know how it is. Anyway, see saw this surgeon. He advised her-
[visibly annoyed] Not now, Klink.
This is monstrous.
The Leutnant looked a great deal like you from the start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no?
[realizing] The pictures. That's why you took those pictures of me.
Yes, indeed, Group Captain. From the beginning it's been rather a lark. Jolly good fun, actually.
He's even imitated my voice. Of course, the recordings.
Well, I am satisfied.
So am I.
I'm glad. I don't think we need to attend to Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.
Of course not, Major! I think it's time we moved him to slightly less comfortable quarters, but, shall we say, more colourful?
Whatever it is your planning, you won't get away with it. I promise you that.
Now, is everything crystal clear?
Major, it cannot fail because it is simplicity itself.
Exactly. I knew you would understand anything simple, Klink.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.
By all means, let him come in.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Our fish is nibbling at the bait.
My fish.
Colonel Klink.
Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it?
You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF. I want to see him.
He wants to see the prisoner. That's not surprising.
That's not surprising.
Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.
He says we'll deny it. We will?
We will?
As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it. If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.
Very well, you may see the prisoner.
You may see the prisoner.
And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger-(pause) What did you say?
I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.
There you are, Hogan. Your request has been granted.
You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.
Really?
Yeah. I faint very easily.
But this is can't be. I just sent the report that the "Englishman" was sent across the Channel earlier this morning protected by the Luftwaffe... [realizes] KLINK! I WILL mention you in my report!
Remember, the enemy is everywhere.
Me, an enemy?! I'm just as loyal a German soldier as anyone here in this room!
We know that, Schultz, and we respect you for it.
This Gestapo agent sounds like real trouble.
Never known one who wasn't.
Just say the word, Colonel, and I'll make sure he's no trouble at all.
Sure, then we'll really be in trouble. When a Gestapo agent's been killed?
Who'll know he's been killed? I'll make it look like he died of an accidental cut throat.
Klink, my policy has always been one of complete cooperation with the Gestapo, provided I found their requests were reasonable. Fortunately, I have found all of their requests reasonable. No matter how unreasonable they were...
Come on, Colonel! If the High Command's so smart, what're they doin' on the Russian Front?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
