CVCount von Waffenschmidt
This is all a crushing bore. [Gestures irritably at Marya, Klink, and the suitcase chained to his wrist] You, him, this, the Russian front- everything!
S5 E3The Klink Commandos
S5 E6The Kommandant Dies at Dawn
My Herr Ex-Kommandant!
What is it, Schultz?
I have good news and bad news.
Give him the good news first, Schultz.
They ordered you to be shot first thing in the morning.
That's good news?! What's the bad news?!
They're not giving you a blindfold.
It's hard to believe, even for the Gestapo.
They're asking for volunteers for the firing squad.
Ha! They'll never get any volunteers from my men!
I beg to report Herr Kommandant, they did.
How many volunteered?
Seventy-six.
How many men do you have?
Eighty-two.
At least six of my men are loyal.
No, Herr Komandant. Two are in the hospital and four are on furlough.
Well that makes it unanimous.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We only have EIGHTY men!
Not counting the two deserters. But they came back this morning when they heard you were going to be shot.
S5 E8The Big Picture
Now. How much would you and your men like to give to the Winter Relief Fund?
Are you kidding? We want you to lose the war, remember?
S5 E14At Last- Schultz Knows Something
Hardly knew the man. We went to school together for ten years, saw each other every day, but what's that?
SBSS-Captain Bormann
You were also best man at his wedding.
Oh. Well, uh, I had nothing else to do that afternoon.
Oh, boy, am I in trouble. When I send my wife only half the money she usually gets- oh, boy!
Straighten it out when you go home on leave.
She'll straighten me out.
Then don't go home.
She'll come and get me.
S5 E19Gowns By Yvette
Hold it, hold it! What seems to be the problem?
I made the mistake of asking an Englishman to taste a gourmet dish.
It's not a gourmet dish; it's ruddy fish stew!
Well, I don't have to tell you how lucky a man would have to be to get Gertrude for a wife. She's a wonderful woman. Jolly disposition- great shot-putter.
Get to the point!
Well, sir, this is very difficult for me to say, but- I feel in my heart that I am not worthy of Gertrude.
I feel the same way.
Then why do you want me to marry her?
Are you crazy, Klink?! It's my niece Frieda and she's marrying Count von Hertzel!
[Trying to hide his relief] Count von Hertzel?
You thought I would ever let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?
But I understand Count von Hertzel is going to the Russian front!
He has changed his mind. I mean, uh, his orders have been changed.
S5 E20One Army at a Time
Good riddance!
Major Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.
There's one thing nice about his being here; it feels so good when he leaves!
S5 E21Standing Room Only
STOP IT! STOP IT! What are you doing?! Going for a little walk, huh?
PPrisoner
Yeah, goin' for a walk!
YOU'RE WALKING RIGHT INTO THE COOLER, YOU UNDERSTAND?!
Hold it, Schultz, you can't arrest this man!
Who says so?!
He was just airing his blanket, isn't that right?
PPrisoner
Yes, sir!
Schultz! Schultz! What's going on out there?! What's all the shooting?
He was just airing his blanket, Schultz. [Hands Schultz a chocolate bar.]
You want me to believe that? [Hogan gives him another chocolate bar.] Herr Kommandant, false alarm! The guards in the tower are trigger-happy!
There will be no more trigger-happiness tonight!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Take him back to the barracks. [To the prisoner] And you! Wait until after the war to air your blanket, you understand?!
But Hogan, why would you go to all that trouble?
I'm doing it for my men. They've developed a fond affection for you, sir. When they see you go by with your riding crop and your monocle, they say, "Look, there goes Klink! He's embarrassing, but he's ours!"
I'm not sure, Hogan, but I think I should be offended.
Work on it.
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