[The men are about to get Schultz to parachute out of an airborne German bomber.]
Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute-jump!
Never too old, Schultz. Come on.
Colonel Hogan! I'm too big to parachute-jump!
Now there you have a point.
S2 E1Hogan Gives A Birthday Party
S2 E2The Schultz Brigade
Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!
You're right Hogan, I blew it.
Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!
Hogan, every man in my class has made general!
How many have been killed in action?
Quite a few.
How many have been shot by the Führer?
Quite a few more.
[Carter and Newkirk, disguised as POW camp commandants Bussie and Burmeister, have broken into General Burkhalter's quarters and are threatening to shoot him. General Burkhalter, terrified, is trying to stall them.]
This is all so unnecessary! I was thinking of retiring! I was just saying to Hilda, that who would succeed me, but one of you two? My dearest friends!
What of Klink?
Forget him! He's to be shot! I never could stand the man!
[Outside] Burmeister! Bussie! You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
What a wonderful friend!
That's two shots; they killed themselves. Come on.
Colonel Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?
S2 E3Diamonds In The Rough
I say we do it to him before he does it to us.
Right. Knock him off.
Hey, you can't just go around knocking off German officers; the ones that're left start asking embarrassing questions.
Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command. Understood?
Understood.
I don't want any special favors, any special treatment, any-
You are a private?
Yes, I am.
Shut up!
How dare you tell me-
Achtung! Eyes front! Put the helmet straight! Chest out, stomach in! Answer only when you're spoken to!
Jawohl!
Jawohl, what?
Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!
That's better! About face! Fall in with the rest of them, you dummkopf! [Klink falls in with the other guards; Schultz turns to Hogan blissfully] Oh, it feels so good!
SMSS-Major Hagel
There's a barn on this road, two kilometers beyond the town. Be there two nights from tonight with the diamonds.
And if we fail?
SMSS-Major Hagel
I will come to Stalag 13 and shoot you and your men.
How would you justify that?
SMSS-Major Hagel
Oh, I'll think of something at the last minute.
Hagel, you're a real fun person.
SMSS-Major Hagel
Whether you live or die is entirely up to you.
And Colonel Klink. We're still his prisoners. You'll have to shoot him, too, and take over the camp.
SMSS-Major Hagel
That'll take at least another ten minutes.
Colonel Hogan, in response from London concerning your request for $1 million dollars worth of diamonds: Quote: "Are you nuts?" Unquote.
S2 E4Operation Briefcase
Repoooort!
Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.
Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.
Hey, they're gonna surrender!
Good move!
Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!
PPrisoner
Who told you?
I just heard it!
[The prisoners all cheer and applaud.]
Colonel Hogan, control your men!
I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-
Who said anything about a surrender?
You did.
When?
Just now, you used the word yourself.
Only to deny it!
Well, I had to start somewhere.
Silence!
Okay, men, the surrender's off!
[The prisoners boo.]
Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.
Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!
GSGeneral Stauffen
Hogan, you saved my life, and our cause. How can I thank you?
When you see Hitler, make sure your meeting goes over with a bang.
S2 E5The Battle Of Stalag 13
Yesterday, I was only worried about the Russian front, today it looks like paradise. Hogan, what am I going to do?
[Hogan looks down at his watch]
Put your fingers in your ears.
[In the distance there is an explosion, Hogan drops casually while Klink and Schultz drop to ground cowering]
What was that?!
Sounded like a staff car blowing up.
[In the distance there is a second explosion]
Coincidence, another staff car blowing up."
You knew those cars were going to blow up! How?
It's obvious sir, the Wehrmacht and Gestapo double-crossed each other.
Do you expect me to believe that?
No sir, but it'll look neater in your report to Berlin.
S2 E6The Rise And Fall Of Sergeant Schultz
There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.
I can hardly wait.
The orders are to clean up the barracks-
[The prisoners join in sarcastically]
SNSchultz, Newkirk, LeBeau, Carter, Kinchloe
-Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.