Hogan's Heroes · Season 1
(After Hogan revealing Newkirk in a Gestapo uniform)What a relief, if the Gestapo...Colonel Hogan...what is he doing in a uniform! Colonel Hogan please, oohhh you went to far. I must report this, it would be worth my life if I do not report this.
It's only until tomorrow, then he's gonna take it off again.
Aahhh.
After he steals the tank.
Ohh...
From the Panzer division.
Oohhh...
And brings it here into the barracks.
Oh I see nothing. I was not here. I did not even get up this morning!
Eine, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben...acht...neun...zehn...
Elf is next, eleven, Schultz.
I know how to count.
So do many of the young guards, I think it's how they're taught.
[General Hofstader gets out of his staff car and marches over to Klink.]
What an honor to have you here --
Where is my tank, Klink?
Hasn't it come back yet?
No. Klink, I released a tank to you to put down a riot by prisoners. I see no riot, I see no tank! All I see is a Colonel about to become Corporal!
Please, General -- it will turn up! I have searched the barracks, the surrounding areas, the prisoners--
[sarcastically]: The prisoners? Nobody had it in his pocket?! We are talking about a Tiger tank Klink!! Not a toy dump truck!
(Shaking his head)
Steal a German tank?!
We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Well, how do we get ahold of it?
How do we get it in here?
Where are we going to hide a tank?
Where do we take it apart?
Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.
It is impossible to hide a tank! Therefore I suspect you! (in regards to Col. Hogan and his men hiding the Tiger tank)
Tell me, Schultz, which colonel is running this camp, Hogan or me? I sometimes wonder.
Me, too, Herr Komman…
[Klink gets up.]
I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.
Boy, are you running the camp!
You said "aimed at England," yeah?
Mm-hmm
For your information, half of the airfield of Hamburg is missing, destroyed! I must see Major Hauser at once. Maybe he has a better lie than yours. [grabs his hat and storms out of the room]
Another day, another rocket.
So, England, they made a big hole in Hamburg. [clicks tongue] Naughty naughty.
What could I do, Schultz? My aim is terrible when I'm in a hurry. [feeds him a grape]
I am well aware, Colonel Hogan, there is nothing you and your men would not do to try to undermine my position, even to have me replaced.
Replace you, are you kidding? We'd do anything to keep you here.
[After Kinchloe switches on a tape of a BBC broadcast in the presence of Klink, Schultz, and the Inspector General von Platzen.]
Schultz! Where is that radio?
They didn't tell me!
Find it at once!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
[as the Schultz and the other guards search] Hogan! Where does that voice come from?
From the accent, I'd say England.
[Hogan brings in a "disguised" woman in male uniform.]
Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back!
What is it you want?
Cleveland.
Cleveland?
I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.
If the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the American prisoners have a German prisoner? If we're wrong, what are they gonna do, lock us up?
We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.
What do you mean by that?
It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.
Bribe me, eh? I will throw them in the cooler for life. Even after the war. Even if we lose!
If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing. You - are - ignorant.
Oh, I can handle that.
I know.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
