You know, you can say what you like about the Nazis, but anyone who built a rocket fuel depot in our reach can't be all bad.
S3 E15The Hostage
S3 E16Carter Turns Traitor
All right- let's examine it. Now, we have received word from London that they think the Germans are up to something in chemical warfare. Right?
Right.
London wants the location of the factory turning it out. Who here knows anything at all about chemical warfare? Who else could convince the Germans that he was in chemical warfare before he was captured? Who else could get on the inside and find out the location of that factory? Who?
You really think I can do that, Colonel?
No. It's just that we don't have anyone else.
GWGeneral Wittkamper
What's this? You're not Gestapo!
Lucky for you, General, we're gonna get you out of the country. Both of you.
GWGeneral Wittkamper
But I don't want to get out of the country!
When your factory is blown up and you get the blame? You'd rather stay here?
GWGeneral Wittkamper
I'm coming with you.
S3 E17Two Nazis for the Price of One
You wanted to see me, sir? Oh, sorry, sir; I didn't realize you had company.
The Gestapo is not "company".
Frankly, I never thought much of 'em myself.
Hogan, you will show a little respect for Major Hochstetter!
Just a little, sir?
I mean a lot of respect! Hogan, please don't twist my words.
Tell me, Colonel, what do you know about... the Manhattan Project? What is it?
Maybe they're selling the island back to the Indians?
The 504th Bomb Group was assigned to the Manhattan Project. Is that right?
Were they?
You should know. You commanded the 504th Bomb Group.
Did I?
They have been taken out of combat and sent back to the States for special training. Correct?
How 'bout that!
Those are not answers!
Klink! Colonel, may I remind you that the Gestapo can be very unfriendly. Very unfriendly.
You know, I've heard that. And I've often wondered: What's a nice guy like you doing in an outfit like that?
Of course we could give you the time to think it over, in a special cell we have. It is not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.
Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.
During the day, the the temperature is 140 degrees. And at night, it is below freezing.
That's the hotel, all right!
S3 E18Is There a Doctor in the House?
Colonel Hogan.
Yeah, we know, Schultz-- roll call. But I want the men to finish their game.
There won't be any roll call.
Look, no arguments, Schultz. This is our exercise period.
I said, there will be no roll call!
And I said-(pause) No roll call?
That's right.
(Newkirk, Lebeau, and Hogan approach Klink's quarters) Halt! Who goes there?
Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels, and I'm Hermann Goering.
Jolly jokers.
Klink!
Major Hochstetter!
What are these men doing here?
I'm his personal physician.
I'm his night nurse.
What can I do for you, Major?
For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp. And you are ordered immediately to double your security force.
Double the security force?
With his record?
(miffed) What are these men doing here?!
He's right, sir. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area.
A French girl?
This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore.
Hmm. That's interesting. Very interesting.
Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo. It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp.
Oh, no, sir.
Impossible.
Ridiculous.
(full out Hochstetter angry) What are these men doing here?!?!
Sir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?
Yes, I think they're necessary!
Yes, sir, I think they're necessary, too. A very wise move. I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter. (Hogan "accidentally" spills liquid on Hochstetter's shoe)
Clumsy! Here, let me wipe that up for you.(Hogan uses cloth to clean the fluid, ruining the girl's scent on the cloth to throw off the dogs.)
Are you crazy?
I'm sorry. That's what you're using to find the girl.
S3 E19Hogan, Go Home
They want me to go home. They've ordered me home.
Who would issue an order like that?
I don't know, but whoever it was is gonna have me for a friend for life! Kinch, radio London, tell 'em orders are acknowledged. When do I leave? How, where? All the details! [Goes back inside his quarters, slamming the door.] YAHOO!
Yes, sir.
Personally, I think he's takin' the news pretty well.
Give me back my gun, or I'll shoot!
S3 E20Stiky Wicket Newkirk
Anything wrong, sir?
Hogan, get out of here!
I WANT THAT MAN IN HERE!
My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter!
Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you. But now, my feeling is much stronger.
Glad you finally cleared me, sir.
Exactly. Eighteen men have escaped from Stalag 6. Eight of them I have recaptured.
Excellent work, Major Hochstetter! But may I point out that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem. Never an escape, never so much as- [Hochstetter glares at Klink] as-as- until today, sir... but that was an official transfer...
Of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13. Do you have any idea why?
Bad sense of direction?
I do not think so.
Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp?
That is exactly what I intend to find out! I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel! Anyone trying to get out will be caught! Anyone trying to get IN will be caught!
Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.
I do not want your cooperation. All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners! I will deal with all of you! Later!
Major Hochstetter, may I point out that my relationship with the Gestapo has always been the most cordial-
BAH!
[Major Hochstetter storms out and slams the office door behind him.]
Open the door! I am going to count to three! If you don't open the door, I am going to break in! One! Two! Three!
[Sergeant Schultz rams the door open, but the men are no longer holding the door. He stumbles in and goes up to Hogan.]
Who was holding the door? I WANT TO KNOW!
Nobody, Schultz; it sticks in the warm weather.
It is freezing outside!
It's a pleasure to see your mind work.
Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar?!
Why would I do a thing like that?
Because your head is in the noose. You have been running a country home for prairie dogs. They dig while you sleep! WAKE UP, Klink! Enjoy the little time you have left!
Major Hochstetter, I shall... [Stutters nervously] certainly try.
S3 E21War Takes A Holiday
Shoot to kill? What do you have in the truck? Prisoners?
No, dancing girls. Of course, prisoners, you Dummkopf!
The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.
My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.
What is this man doing here?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-
Klink, did I ask for an introduction?
I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.
(miffed) What is this man doing here?
Schultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
(Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.
Yes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.
I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?
An escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-
You will be shot.
[fearful] That's another good one.
(Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.