Poison Ivy quotes from Harley Quinn

Nora Freeze

How are you?

Poison Ivy

You know, just reaching a career low, enabling overgrown goon babies to destroy the world.

Nora Freeze

You know, it's customary to just say, "I'm good."

Poison Ivy

God, you're a bulldozer, y'know that? Do you wanna be my assitant?

Nora Freeze

Hmm, not really.

Poison Ivy

Well, then I'm gonna have to change the locks on this bathroom--

Nora Freeze

I'll do it!

Poison Ivy

You get one residency, and suddenly you're all, "Ooh-la-la, I'm Clayface, I'm a big uh, diva!"

Clayface

You dare call MOI a diva?

Poison Ivy

[makes plants grow] Do you know who you're fucking talking to right now?

Clayface

[increases in size] Do you know who YOU're talking to?

Poison Ivy

Yeah. I do. [Taps Clayface's nose, and a fight starts]

Alfred Pennyworth

[Giving out samples of White Collar Wine of a MalCon booth] It started with a single toilet booth with a crust of a bologna sandwich and now; White Collar Wine, is the official beverage of MalCon. [Chuckles with samplers clapping] Now let's start with the Chablis. [Pours glasses with samplers taking one and drinking] The nose of green jello pairs well with an aged gruyere and tax evasion.

Ooh, Penal Noir. Wow, what's with the feeling? It's like my head is spinning and my tummy is a-rumbly. But I also feel happy.

Lex Luthor

[Poison Ivy reaches for a glass with Lex slapping her hand] None for you. Alcohol dries out the vocal cords. [Ivy grumbles] There's someone I'd like to introduce you to. She's a woman, like you. Meet-

Poison Ivy

[To Alia Al Ghul wearing a tote bag reading: "I'm a moonver and a shaker"] Hey! Love the tote! Right? [They hug]

Lex Luthor

You two know each other?

God, you've been on the moon too long. We already met at the Evil Women in Business Luncheon.

Lex Luthor

Women's Luncheon?

[To Poison Ivy] Fucking Lex. You're the hot new blood here. Don't let that Ken Doll wannabe hold you back.

Poison Ivy

So he is fucking with me.

Lex Luthor

Ah! Steppenwolf's here! [Runs to him] Such an attention whore!

Poison Ivy

Gross.

Lex Luthor

God love him! Steppenwolf! Remember last year?! Wolfpack! [Steppenwolf's monster hound mauls a man's arm]

[To monster hound] Sit! [All convention goers sit on floor]

Repulsive.

Poison Ivy

You know what? I'm gonna get some facetime with Stepphenwolf.

Poison Ivy

[Rappeling down a crater with Mark Zuckerberg rappeling alongside] Hey Zuckerberg! Have fun in the metaverse, dweeb! [Undoes his carabiner link sending him floating into space screaming with Steppenwolf laughing and giving thumbs up]

Poison Ivy

[Having coffee with Steppenwolf] I just wanna say I'm really flattered that you wanted to get java with me.

You're the woman of the hour. I have unlimited resources. You have unlimited ideas. Let's collab- [chokes and coughs with his monster hound mauling a man sitting with Poison indifferent] excuse me, -orate.

[Poison walks up to him and Nora] There's the woman who conquered the moon. Saw you with Steppenwolf. [Makes gesture] Big ups.

Nora Freeze

[Holds up gift basket] This is from Talia Al Ghul.

Poison Ivy

Aw, this pretzel gun is so realistic. [Holds it up] Look at that.

The bullets are cookies!

Poison Ivy

So, while I was gone, what'd I miss?

Nora Freeze

I don't know. I thought when you were off, I was off. [Walks away]

Lex Luthor

Hey, careful where you those guns! They kill the waistline!

Poison Ivy

Oh, Lex. You look very taut! Your hair looks spiky and your cheeks are very much higher up!

Lex Luthor

[Lunges at her for a deep hug] Get over here, girly!

Poison Ivy

Hmm?

Lex Luthor

You killed it at the conference!

Poison Ivy

Really? Because you seemed a little mad when you screamed at everyone to get off your moon.

Lex Luthor

Oh, sudden rage is a side effect of forcing my body to accept falcon DNA. I came here to help bring you to the next level. I'm gifting you my PR team. [They approach] The Jons. They're the best in the biz.

Poison Ivy

Thank you, Lex. That's very generous. And also for you guys, love how all of your shoes are a slightly different shade of brown.

[Gasps] They're chestnut.

Teak.

Taupe.

Milk chocolate, but the European kind.

Poison Ivy

I really don't think I need a PR team. I think the work speaks for itself.

[Holds up gesture of a phone] Ring, ring, ring, ring. Uh, hello? Delusion. Girl, how'd you get this number? Excuse me, Ivy, it's for you.

Wow! Nightbitch is dead!

Another hero down! And on your watch, Ivy! It's a good thing I'm in the tub, because I'm soaked!

Poison Ivy

Ugh, I should call Harley!

Talia Al Ghul

No, the most important thing is to get your condolence statement out there. [To Spa staff] Bring us our phones. Veronica, you're starting to look too amazing. Get out before it turns you crazy.

Poison Ivy

What should I write?

Aah! You already posted six hours ago! You are on top of it! How long have you known?

Poison Ivy

Wait, what? Let me see that. [Takes phone from Veronica and reads aloud] "Thank you to everyone who's been reaching out about Nightwing's death. As I sit here in my power caftan, I feel grateful for the guidance of my dear mentor; Lex Luthor". I did not write that!

Who has access to your account?

Poison Ivy

Oh, my God. My PR team. My PR team!

They need to run things by you first.

My team always gives me three options. Funny, sassy, horny.

Poison Ivy

Wait, you don't give all your passwords and your PINs and your keys to your PR team?

The only person who has my PIN lives in a cage under my kitchen table.

Poison Ivy

Shit. I... I need to have a talk with The Jons.

Uh, wow, girl. Where would you even be without the Evil Women in Business Collective? [Giggles with all clinking glasses]

Poison Ivy

[Walks into room, sniffs and sneezes] Ugh!

Oh, uh, I... Ivy! You're back early!

Poison Ivy

Yeah, go ahead and give me my passwords to my socials and my laptop. Also, why do all of my bras have underwire now?

Excuse me, if there's no wire, it's an bralette.

Poison Ivy

Wait, there's more of you?

Yes, there is so much to do. [Snarls and cellular divides another replicant with squelching and a The Jon cuts the umbilical cord] Ta-da! [Jon 6 gasps] Jon, tell this boss bitch her new schedule. [Groans and gets off table]

[Opens binder and reads aloud] Your line of business corsets is about to drop so you'll be appearing on Good Evening Bludhaven. [A jon holds up an outfit]

And you'll need to take photos with the Poison Ivy doll once they're reissued with less realistic buttholes.

But, yay, top of your agenda, judging the first annual Lil' Poison Miss Ivy contest! That's right, sis! You're ready to appear with children! [The Jons applaud]

It's the coup de grace for PR.

If you hook 'em when their brains are mushy, you'll have a little Ivy Army to debone frackers and we'll be the most powerful PR team in the world.

Poison Ivy

Yeah, so I'm not going to be doing a kiddie pageant.

Oh.

We see.

No pageant, no problem.

Poison Ivy

Uh... [grunts and walks out door, glances at phone with news headline notifications reading; "Ivy's a-choo snafu" and "why it's okay to hate women who sneeze" with unflattering pics of herself, she glances at The Jons through a window with dramatic slide views of Jon 1 and her eyes] That's it! Those fuckers are done!

Poison Ivy

Obviously, guys, I've been owning the game, lately.

Fucking owning it, and all the haters along the way.

Poison Ivy

But we don't want to have owned it. We want to always be, present tense, owning it. Right?

Volcana

ABOI. Always be owning it.

Poison Ivy

No, no, no. That sounds like BO in the middle. Not everything needs to be a thing. Anyway, the Legion of Super-Heroes time-sphere is being moved to The Smithsonian at 3:00 p.m. And we are going to hijack it. [Legion of Doomettes cheer]

Sick! A time-sphere. I'm going to visit past atrocities and learn how to do them better.

I'd love to go back and tell my younger self that snake-eye contacts are more weird than intimidating.

Volcana

I can go back in time and do extra work without missing any work.

Poison Ivy

Okay, guys, we're not actually going to use the time-sphere. I just want it 'cause like, it's going to look really cute on my wall. Total power move.

Nora Freeze

Everyone, shut up! I have news! I'm starving! What are we doing for lunch?! Volcana, don't you dare; "you're fine with anything", again! I'd rather have a bad suggestion like all the one Tefé gives.

Hey!

Nora Freeze

Okay, screw you. I'm ordering gyros again. Oh, and they moved up the time-sphere transfer to, like, right now.

Poison Ivy

Oh, shit. We gotta go. [Poison, Tefé and Volcana run]

Wait. I'm not paying the delivery fee myself.

Harley Quinn

[Arrives to Poison Ivy attempting to hijack the time-sphere from a moving transport-truck] Listen, I need to talk to you.

Poison Ivy

Oh, man. People don't just show up at their partner's work like this.

Wonder Woman

Yeah, Harley. Imagine if the Supreme Court got Frenched on the bench.

Harley Quinn

I would not have come if it wasn't super important.

Poison Ivy

Can we just talk about this later?

Harley Quinn

I don't think we can.

Poison Ivy

Baby, are you trying to stop me from stealing the time-sphere?

Harley Quinn

Geez! There's a time-ball on this truck?!

Poison Ivy

Yes, I am a big deal super-villain! And sometime I steal time-spheres, okay?

Volcana

[Flying by] ABST. Always be stealing...

Poison Ivy

Enough with the fucking acronyms! Baby, I'm doing all this because I'm building something! So, when we're like, 60 years old and still hot, we can sip wine in our chateau and have plenty of time to talk.

Poison Ivy

Harley, what are you doing? Fuck! She is in no state to be messing with the space-time continuum. BRB.

Volcana

Her acronyms are so much cooler.

Poison Ivy

Hey, baby. Baby, look at me. You do not know how to operate a fucking time-sphere.

Harley Quinn

It's intuitive!

Poison Ivy

What?

Ugh! drama.

Mind the gap.

Poison Ivy

[Stepping out of time-sphere to see a war-ravaged Gotham street] Oh, cake dick.

Harley Quinn

Damn it.

Poison Ivy

What year did you take us to?

Harley Quinn

Hmm? Interesting. It may not be as intuitive as I thought, which is on the time-sphere.

Poison Ivy

What? Hey, Harley. Where are you going? We gotta get back to out time, okay?

Harley Quinn

Oh, what? Sorry. Do you have a hard-out?

Poison Ivy

No, I don't. I.. at least I... I don't think so. Let me check. You know what? There's no service. Fuckin' A. Argh! We shouldn't be here! This looks like a goddamn apocalypse!

Harley Quinn

Well, guess what? There's an apocalypse happening in my brain. The emotional chickens came home and they are roasting, Ivy!

Poison Ivy

Hey, shh! Let's not bring out whatever cursed beings...!

Harley Quinn

Cluck-cluck, Ivy. The chickens are fucking...! [militarized aerial drones approach and open fire on them]

Poison Ivy

Harley, get back to the time-sphere!

Harley Quinn

Batgirl did it! We're in!

Superman

What... what are you doing?

Poison Ivy

Mowing down tech, oil and cosmetic pharmaceutical companies in the name of socially conscious evil!

Harley Quinn

Oh, I love the plan, very emotionally cool, obvs, but maybe first, let's evacuate the buildings, huh?

Poison Ivy

I mean, do we really have to, or...

Batgirl

[On phone] I just remotely pulled all the fire alarms in Gotham.

Harley Quinn

Okay, now you're just showing off! [To Poison Ivy] Who are we going to blow up first, hot stuff?

Poison Ivy

Let's rain fire on EWBC! [Harley squeals and slams button] Veronica Cale's company, boom! Talia Wayne's company, boom! That overpriced oyster place that isn't even good, boom!

Talia al Ghul

[Mark Zuckerberg's corpse lands on her window] What the zuck?! What the fuck?

[Clayman is gambling at the Luxor Las Vegas casino] Evacuate the building immediately!

[Looks at phone] Drats! Bankrupt again! Curse you, White Collar Wine! [Detonates casino explosives]

Batman

[Witnesses explosion from prison window] The world needs Batman again. [Snaps finger and prison butler hands him phone] Do it. Call Judge Chase. Tell him his stepdaughter got an internship at WayneTone Records.

I'll have you out by lunch.

Harley Quinn

I love when we're in sync like this.

Poison Ivy

Yeah, like back in '53, when Dizzy Gillepsie [makes trumpet playing gesture] horned it up with Charles Mingus.

Superman

Turn that thing off! You're going to break the moon!